Milestones

This past year 2008/2009 has sure presented it's challenges. And, I'm sorry I've been such a roller coaster. I have a couple more dips to get through...though I can't promise it'll all be sunshine and roses on the other side as I'm sure I'll fall in the shit more times than we can count but, I wouldn't be the same old stubborn me if I didn't. I'm just looking to getting out from under this cloud of grief that keeps chasing me.

I have some great milestones that I keep - Jacob's first laugh, his first steps, his first word, all those things from his first year, they're all written down in his baby book. Jeremy and I are always talking about how much progress Jacob has made in his speech and development. Even the SPD (sensory processing disorder) has seemed to calm down. So many great milestones for him and they're all wonderful memories. His 4th birthday is creeping up and we'll make even more.

Jeremy and I had our 7 year anniversary this past year. 8 years since we met. I'm looking forward to 10 years coming up too.

I have these other milestones though. Milestones that I don't have to write down for they keep haunting me and kicking me in the ass. I don't like them. I don't like the thought that soon - 10 years will have passed since the last time I saw my father's smile. I don't like knowing that will soon be 10 years ago when I sat in my friend Joe's parent's kitchen listening to the details of his suicide. It's incredibly sad that 25 years have passed since the morning I last spoke to my sister. I look at my life and I think of everything these people are missing. Then I wonder if they're truly missing it or are they here beside me, pushing me through the rough spots. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just afraid I'll forget them. (You know - I was typing about Joe and I got this strange warm feeling on the side of my leg, like when someone is sitting right up next to you. I'm sitting at my desk, in my cubicle, alone, and it's almost cold in here. I often get that feeling when I think of him - and ALWAYS if I have a dream about him and only in my right leg!)

I have experienced so much loss and I've always tried to be strong, to not make grief a visible part of me. I tell Jeremy all the time, that unless you have experienced loss and grief you cannot comprehend it. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I have ever done - ever experienced. It's hard enough to manage through it when it happens and when these milestones come around it's as if you're grieving the loss all over again.

I mostly wanted to thank you guys (I can't say 'and ladies' it sounds too corny) for being here. I want you to know that I consider myself blessed to have connected with each of you. I'm always thankful you're here to share a laugh or a tear - sometimes a tear brought by a laugh. Thanks for helping me through all of these milestones. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know!