Happy Father's Day/Happy Birthday!

I didn't want to celebrate birthday #36. Jeremy, Jacob, and I are having a nice dinner later tonight (T-bone steaks and king crab legs) with a cake that Jeremy and Jacob baked for me. I've cried a lot on the way here. I knew coming in that today was going to be tough. I knew I didn't want to share this day outside of my home. As I get older, I want to share it less and less. I'm content to stay home, have my birthday with my family and let Jeremy have his day as Jacob's dad, while I remember, and I can cry the tears I have and miss my father.

My dad and I always enjoyed having my birthday and Father's Day so close together but we both thought it extra special when it worked out on the same day (like this year) so we could share the day. I'd go to visit him for Father's Day and I'd peek around the door frame and call out "Happy Father's Day!" and his eyes would sparkle and he'd give me his biggest, deepest dimple smile with his laugh, and he'd call back "And Happy Birthday!" I remember his smile and I can still hear his voice. Some years, my sister Karen and her kids would meet Dad and I with a cake. Some years, he'd just fill me in on who had called or come to visit. I loved sharing that time with my dad.

My dad had the BEST smile. You could always see it start. First a tiny spark - really, you could see the flash - that turned to a little twinkle in his deep brown eyes. Then his dimples would get deeper. Those dimples - he had the deepest dimples I have ever seen. They were always there though - even if he wasn't smiling. Finally, one side would pull up, then the other and there it was. He always tried to hold back a laugh when he smiled. I find that I do the same thing.

My dad was always SO proud of his kids. When I'd visit, and the nurse would come to check him or someone would pop in to say hello, my dad's eyes would get that sparkle, the corners of his mouth would turn again as he began to smile and he'd say "This is the baby, here's #6, or this is Gail Ann." It was always one of the three, hmm, sometimes all three.

It was hard for me to have a relationship with my dad. I never knew him when he wasn't sick. He left home when I was 8. It was a very complicated situation and I was always disappointed that he never explained or talked to me about it though I do understand why it was the way it was. I spent many years torn between my dad and Edna - not knowing what to believe. Every child wants to trust and believe in their mother...and their father.

It's hard to lose a parent. I was only 26 when I lost my dad. I was still learning who I was, how I was and where I was, and I still had so much growing up to do. He was gone before I knew how sentimental I am and how much my family means to me. I have a lot of guilt for not spending more time with my dad. I wish a lot of things would have been different. Now he's gone and it's too late. I can't change it, I can't undo it, nor can I get the time back.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. We sure miss you today.