Jeremy and I decided this morning that this year (and every year following) on July 12, we are going to celebrate Jacob's Gotcha Day. As it stands now, we'll do a cookout/pool party with family and friends. It's a no gifts kind of party. It's a 'we're glad you're here' kind of party.
In adoption world, Gotcha Day or Adoption Day, is the day that the papers were signed and the adoption was final. Jacob's adoption certificate, the piece of paper that made him our son legally, was signed by the judge on July 12, 2006. His Gotcha Day.
I've been reading a book, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew. I've been focusing on the different types of adoption (closed, semi-closed, and open) and how these work, what effects these different types have on the child, and how we should handle them as the adoptive parents. It's been an interesting read and I'm willing to loan my copy when I'm finished. I've kept quiet on the adoption front for a little but - only because I've been holding onto some thoughts about the responses to Jacob's adoption and birth family.
As Jacob is getting older and understanding more, I'm finding more of a need to work adoption into everyday conversations with him. It's getting easier. We're talking to Amber a little more and Rob's parents are putting forth a huge effort to make a relationship with Jacob as well. I think, I'd rather address adoption openly and up front with Jacob, rather than have him question me later. I know he'll always have questions but, I think bringing adoption out into the open will make it easier for him to talk when that time comes.
Which leads me to this our family and friends, please, we need your support and we need your help, now more than ever. There is zero shame in the details of how Jacob came to be our son. If you're harboring negative feelings about adoption or Jacob's birth family, the time has come for you to drop them! We need you to be ready to answer Jacob's questions too. He needs to know that his birth family are good people, that they love him, and that it's okay with you that they want to be a part of his life. Jacob will also need reassurance that we all love him, he's safe here, and that Jeremy and I will never give him away or that we all will never stop loving him.
Jacob's birth family will never replace what Jacob has with Jeremy and I or with our families and our friends. Just the same, our family and friends cannot replace Jacob's birth family. Jacob's birth family can't come in and take him back. Our lawyer, he crossed every T and dotted every I. It's not legally possible. Jacob's birth family - they're not perfect and neither are we. I can't imagine how they feel. Their flesh and blood has a home with complete strangers. I couldn't imagine knowing one of my nieces or nephews was being raised by another family. I can't imagine how they're hurt. Most of all, I can't keep it a secret from Jacob. I know that I couldn't bear being the person responsible for shutting them out of his life - especially if one of them died before meeting this sweet child.
From here on out, I will discuss the adoption openly and honestly from time to time and I'm sure I'll post about it. I'll talk about Amber and Rob too - we'll get frustrated, confused, angry and 9000 other emotions. I hope you can be supportive of us and talk about these feelings when Jacob and I have them. BUT, and I'm going to ask you to do this as well, I will not tell anyone outside of my circle of friends and family that Jacob is adopted. I ask that you don't either. Everyone who needs to know already knows. From this point, Jeremy and I will reveal Jacob's biology for medical treatment only. This decision is not out of shame, it's out of respect for Jacob and respect for what he holds personal. I hope you can understand.
I pray you can learn to talk more openly with us about adoption and help our little family to celebrate Jacob and his Gotcha Day. I hope you can understand how important a role everyone plays in our lives and how valuable you are to the success of this adoption.
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