I don't speak openly of my faith in God. I've mentioned my faith, here and there. I've been angry with God. I've touched on having my faith slip through our infertility challenges. I've alluded to having my faith restored. Through everything going on in my life, I have never said, "That's it! There is no God!"
Did you know that Footprints in The Sand is my favorite poem ever? I wear a cross pendant everyday. It's a very special pendant and I rarely take it off. It's a symbol of my faith that has been restored and also, a cherished gift from my husband. On the front of my cross, are footprints in the sand, on the back are the words "It was then that I carried you". I look back on our time of infertility and I see NOW, yes God was there and yes, he did carry me. He carried me through that to be Jacob's mom!
I was baptised in a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church. I grew up in that church. I attended their school. I was confirmed in that church. I memorized bible stories and verses. I know the holidays of the church. I know the seasons of the church and how long Lent, Advent, and Pentecost are - and I know what those seasons mean to the church in Jesus' life. I learned The Lord's Prayer and The Apostle's Creed. I can still recite them from memory.
After I moved here, I wanted to get involved in a church. Due to a lack of choices in Lutheran churches, Jeremy and I joined an Evangelical Lutheran church. It was okay. The people were nice. But, it just wasn't me. They change the tunes of the hymns, they changed the rhythm to reciting The Lord's Prayer. And their greatest sin - Holy Communion by intinction! I didn't like it and I couldn't do it anymore. We stopped going.
We live in a very small town. There are 2 Lutheran Churches. Both are ELCA. The nearest Missouri Synod Lutheran Church is over 30 minutes away. I hope that once spring comes, we'll go and check out a few. I have tried other churches and they're just not right for me. I sit politely as my parents said to do. They said, "it may not be your house but, it's still God's house".
Jacob was baptised in the ELCA church. I'm not happy about that though it's where we were when he was born and he is baptised. I am happy with the choice that we made in his Godparents. Jacob will learn of faith. I will teach him. His Godparents will help and make sure that I do. That's why I chose them. Should I not be here to teach my son, they will!
I believe that faith is something very personal. I believe in living your life right and following the commandments as Moses set them before us. I believe that going to church and participating is important as a Christian. I also believe that attending church should be done as a family. I don't like to go to church alone...I never have - even in my dad's church.
I'm not always the perfect example of a good Christian. I try very hard. I am aware of my sins and I pray to my God for forgiveness of those sins. I try to treat others as I'd want to be treated. I try to turn the other cheek and forgive seventy times seven. Then again, I seem to remember that God never expected for us to be perfect...
I can so empathize with your struggle to find the "right" church. The one we count as our own is probably the closest to our current and collective set of (rather liberal) beliefs, but it lacks the familiarity of the denominations in which I grew up. Because of that, even though I feel like I can sit there and be okay with it, ideologically, I have failed to "connect." It is so hard finding what my parents would call a "church home." I am also with you on the going to church as a family thing. I am not someone who would be okay with Mom going to church alone while Dad sits at home. It's gotta be a togetherness thing.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to hear you speak of your faith. I don't get into it very heavily on my blog, either, but it is so true that faith is tested during the trials of infertility. I, too, have never gotten to the point of saying, "You don't exist, God." But I have been very, very angry with Him/Her lately. I like to think of being carried, as is written in the Footprints poem. I think all of us go through times in our lives when we need to be carried, because we lack the strength to continue through it on our own. I am so glad that He carried you through those dark days and made you Jacob's mom. I still marvel at the timing of it all--another indication that there is Someone up there who knows what s/he is doing. Such things are too perfect to be coincidental.
I really enjoyed this post and Em's comment. I know it is a faux pas, but I like talking about faith, about both the good times that it carries me though and the times that I feel abandoned by it. During my college years I also struggled with finding the right church home. I tried lots of different churches and lots of different denominations - nothing just felt quite right. Now that I have found my home it provides me with the strength I need to make it through the tough times. I will pray for both of you, that you find the perfect home because it really does make a difference when you find yourself connecting on Sunday morning.
ReplyDeleteI am inspired by your bravery. I was never one to shy away from something just because it could be viewed as offensive. But I find as I get older, I worry more about what others think. Perhaps it is because now I am a mother, and not only do my actions affect me, but they will also reflect on my children. So when I left the Catholic church, I never have admitted it to my family. Sure, my mom and brother know. But not my extended family. We switched because like you all, I view church as a family thing. I don't want to go alone (although I have on many occasions.) And while Darrell still will not admit to having any faith...I believe the church we've joined is the perfect place for him to sit and ponder.
ReplyDeleteI love your parent quote of "it may not be your house but, it's still God's house". I will have to remember this. My favorite religious quote that has almost haunted my recent life is from Queen Elizabeth I (I know, weird huh??) "There is but one Jesus Christ. The rest is trifles."
I hope we all can find the happiness we seek. I know that having friends like you certainly makes it evident to me that it is out there. We just need to "Keep the Faith!"