What we've been doin'

This time of year is always so busy for us - for everyone! The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is nothing but a whirl. Maybe that story is better told in pictures...

Yes, those are underwear. On his head. They're clean - I think.


Playing games with the "girls" at Daddy's work on Thanksgiving.


The fixer man at G & G H's.

Cowboy.

Kickin' it at home with Daddy.

the Police Station from his birthday.

"Mommy, I wost my candy cane!"

And...the GIANT firetruck from his birthday!

Some trains.

We had police cupcakes instead of cake this year.

Blowing out the candles with Daddy and Grandpa H.

Leaving for our horse drawn wagon ride (and my dirty truck!).

Our wagon. The horse on your left is Bird, on the right is Lark.

It was sooo cold!

After the wagon ride, we visited Santa. "Can I sit in your chair?"

Two rounds in the horse drawn wagon + 1 visit with Santa = a pooped out kid!

And the next night, the kitty crashed out too!

As always, more to come on Flickr!

We have also been driving all over our little town to look at "Christmas" (Christmas lights on houses). Last night, we took a trip up to 5/3 ball park, home of the West Michigan Whitecaps - to see Nite Lites. You drive around the whole ballpark/parking lot and they have all of these light displays - such as Santa in a helicoptor, a train and plane. Santa playing baseball and football. A lot of angels and a nativity scene. It took us about 20 minutes or so to drive through and look at everything. Jacob enjoyed it as did we. I can't say the 2 1/2 hours there and back in the backseat of my truck was enjoyable for me. We also took a little side trip to a neighborhood in Grand Rapids to see some more lights. And WOW! We saw some lights! Jacob, he fell asleep in the car on the way home. :(

I do have his 4 year and Christmas pictures too. I'll scan and post them soon.

Thoughts and Prayers

I'm temporarily going to interrupt my regularly scheduled programming.

Friends of Jeremy's parents lost their son in a car accident last night.

Authorities believe Eric lost control of his truck due to a medical event. He then struck a tree. He was pronounced dead at the scene of the accident. Eric was only 30 years old and leaves his wife, Sarah, 2 young children, Ethan, 4 and Claire is 3 or close to it.

Please, keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. They sure need them.

Happy 4th Jacob!

My little boy is turning four today and I look back at all of the things I have given up, have changed or no longer exist since becoming a mom. Most of them, I don't miss.

I am no longer allowed to go to the bathroom by myself. EVER. The door is rarely even shut.

Every shower I take, I'm greeted with - "You're in the showder Mommy?"

I cannot flush the toilet for myself. I have had him walk in and try to lift me from the toilet saying, "Hey! Get off of that poop!"

I cannot take a "quick trip" anywhere. Every trip from our house in a car involves a drive through the police/sheriff station or Fire Department.

I have to check my oven for cars, or pans of marbles before baking.

I don't get to bake alone. I always have a helper and egg shells in my cakes.

I've also gotten used to a small amount of grounds in my coffee.

I have to check ALL pots and pans before use.

I have a step stool in front of each toilet.

And there is nothing, NOTHING in this world that prepares you for sitting on cold porcelain at 3:00AM with your bare ASS - because he left the seat up!

I no longer take steps when I walk through my house in the dark. I tend to shuffle to make sure I don't step on a toy. Little cars and building blocks hurt the most, though a good toy siren in the dark will make you pee in your pants.

My bed. We bought a bigger bed - a king - then added another person to it.

Sleep.

At least one sip from any beverage I ever have. Sometimes, I lose the whole beverage.

The car radio.

My butter cream frosting bath gel/shampoo/bubble bath from Em for my birthday. "I wanna fmell wike a cupcake!"

A throw blanket my in-laws gave one Christmas.

Freedom to go and do as I please.

Telephone conversations always consist of a little voice in the background yelling, "I wanna talk!" followed by, "Who is that?"

A drawer in my fridge that now always contains juice pouches, juice boxes, pudding cups, and an occasional yogurt.

I get to yell things like, "Wait until your father gets home!" or "Don't make me stop this car!" or "Quit jumping on that cat!" and I sound just like MY mother did.

Maybe "given up" isn't quite the right phrase, I've gladly traded these things. Traded them for phrases such as "Mommy, you're my best friend.", "Mommy, can we talk?", "I love you sooo much!", and "Mommy, wook at this face!" or "Thank you, Mommy!"

I have become a better speller.

I swear less. That came into play on a road trip where Jeremy missed a turn and Jacob piped up with "sonuvab*9$%".

I now know the difference between a police siren, an ambulance siren, a firetruck siren, and a volunteer firefighters vehicle siren.

I have never worried more, feared as much, or cried as hard. I have never smiled more, laughed harder or loved as unconditionally.

I often tell Jacob, that I am luckiest mom ever.

He asks "why?",

"Because I have you. Because I have You." and then he looks at me as if I'm batshit crazy while I cry...again.

Happy Fourth Birthday, my sweet boy! It's all worth it and I love YOU!

In love

I've been in love a few times, I mean, I've had a couple of serious relationships, I'm married and I have a kid. I love them both but, once in a while, something comes along and next thing you know - love strikes again.

If you haven't had the experience of this stuff, well, I feel sorry for you. It smells fan-freaking-tastic! Though there is a set going on a popular Internet auction site for $5.99. Ah-hmm...Jeremy?

It's really much more affordable when taken from the hotel in which you stayed. It's a perk, that I already paid for, right? And well, we all know that I do have a rather nice collection of hotel shampoo, conditioner, soap, pens, paper, phonebooks, cups, coasters, and anything else that is small enough to take yet won't result in any extra charges to the room. There's no point in hiding it.

Heaven's Special Child

I'm a daily reader of Dear Abby. I like her wit, her matter-of-factedness, and sometimes her inspiration but, mostly I like when she shares poetry of others that pertains to something I'm familiar with.

The author of this poem, Edna Massimilla, wrote it after her daughter -- a child with Down syndrome -- was born.

Abby said "I have always found its message to be very moving and, when I spoke to Edna, she told me it was written to emphasize that every creation is for a purpose. She's in her 90s now and still writing poems and songs -- especially for children with disabilities."

I have a niece with Cerebral Palsy. Thankfully, hers is a fairly minor case. She does walk, play and communicate - though as she grows only the Lord knows what is in store. It's been very important for Zoe to be normal. I admire her mother for that. I had to share.


HEAVEN'S VERY SPECIAL CHILD

A meeting was held quite far from Earth.

It was time again for another birth.

Said the Angels to the Lord above --

"This special child will need much love.

"Her progress may be very slow,

"Accomplishment she may not show.

"And she'll require extra care

"From the folks she meets down there.

"She may not run or laugh or play,

"Her thoughts may seem quite far away.

"So many times she will be labeled

"'different,' 'helpless' and disabled.

"So, let's be careful where she's sent.

"We want her life to be content.

"Please, Lord, find the parents who

"Will do a special job for you.

"They will not realize right away

"The leading role they are asked to play.

"But with this child sent from above

"Comes stronger faith, and richer love.

"And soon they'll know the privilege given

"In caring for their gift from heaven.

"Their precious charge, so meek and mild

"Is heaven's very special child."

"Go For It"

It is amazing how stubborn a 3, almost 4, year old can be. And they are almost always just as funny.

While getting Jacob ready for bed we decided that I would read a few books to him before hand. Gail kept asking Jacob for a hug and a kiss. The stubborn one of course kept refusing. She promptly reminded him that it was her that brought home the cupcake that he had for a snack earlier, still no hug and kiss. Then she was the grumpy old troll and wouldn't let him past her to the books until he sang a song for her. After another wonderful rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider I said "Jacob, you know what I'd do right now?".

"What daddy?"

"I'd give mom a big hug and a kiss right now."

"Go for it daddy! Go for it!."

Hesitant

I've been thinking a lot over the past two weeks. I thought about letting this blog go and never coming back to it. I thought about starting a new one that no one could ever see. I thought about never writing another word again. I've barely updated Facebook. I haven't been emailing. I can't hide forever but, I'm still hesitant to say anything at all.

Jeremy and I often say to each other, "Perception is reality." I feel as if the perception I have given of myself or this blog isn't my reality. I feel as if I don't always use the right words or come across with the tone I intend to convey.

I'm a sensitive. My feelings get hurt easily. More so, by those closest to me. You see, I don't trust many people. I'm not a fake. I believe in quality friends, not quantity friends. I try to do good things for those I have chosen to let in. I don't always have the means but, I always have the heart. I don't like to be portrayed as bossy, know-it-all, bitter, or my favorite - spoiled. I don't like to be that person. A lot of times I am, though it's not always for me - it's me trying to make something the best that I can for someone else. I want to make someone else happy, to make them feel better, to know someone does care for them.

I would do anything for anyone (within reason, of course) at most anytime. I love to make people happy. I love to give them things because I want to. Most people, I find are quite appreciative. I'm not talking about thank-you notes or reciprocation. I'm talking appreciation - there is a difference. You can see appreciation in the light of some one's eyes, the excitement in their voice, or pictures they send. It's hard to continue to do for anyone, no matter who they are, without appreciation. And when the light finally goes out, you can't do for that person anymore. It doesn't matter how many thank you notes come with it. If the appreciation isn't there, why give the gift? Even if the gift is the friendship.

If I've learned anything here, I've learned that I am very blessed to have really great people come into my life - by their choice. A wonderful husband and soulmate, longtime friends, and some new friends too. I have a greater appreciation for Jeremy's parents. I've softened my heart considerably in regards to someone I have admitted an extreme jealousy over. I'm working to accept these things and to move on as they are without expectation.

I'm going to work harder on perception going forward, though I can't control what anyone takes away from what I write. I'm going to plan my words more carefully from here. I'm going to still try to be me. It's good to be back.

Thankful

Be Thankful
by Author Unknown

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something
for it gives you an opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times
during those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
they will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you are tired and weary
because it means you made a difference.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Squat

The following is an actual conversation.

"Jacob, we need to have lunch and take a nap. You're being VERY naughty"

"I'm not tired!"

"Jacob, we'll see. Sometimes, if you don't eat, you are naughty and you haven't eaten squat today."

Whining, "I don't wanna eat squat! I don't like squat!"

"Mommy, do you like squat?"

Scene from McDonald's

We went for lunch after having Jacob's "4" pictures taken this morning. There were some turkey shaped cut outs on the walls. Jacob says, "Boggle, Boggle, Boggle! That's what the turkey says, Daddy!"

Lucky Me

We woke up yesterday morning and Jacob informed us that he was poopie. I asked him if his mommy could change him. "No! It's too stinky for mommy. You do it."

yet my mouth put me there anyway!

I need to clarify a couple of things from my previous post.

I try to be very careful of what I say. I try to remember that writing and email rarely come across as intended - for anyone. We can all read the same thing 10 times and have 10 different interpretations of what we read. I certainly don't want to offend anyone. I guess, maybe I do get a few digs in here and there - and you can take those as you will, I think I have too big of a heart to really tell anyone off. I would hurt myself a hundred times over before I could intentionally hurt anybody. If I do continue here, I will certainly be more conscious of that.

There is nothing, NOTHING, I love more than to have my family together for Jacob's birthday or any time for that matter. This year, we planned to downsize, a lot of things. Jacob's birthday included. All I had planned for was to have a simple dinner and cupcakes with Jacob's family that live close to us, as in nearby. I feel, that it's not right to have people coming and not offer a full meal - especially from out of town. Then if I include my whole family, I have to include Jeremy's whole family and then I have 25 people to feed! I simply didn't want to do it all this year. It was not my intention to make anyone feel left out. I'm sorry I didn't word that better.

I have to apologize to all of you. Those I have hurt with my words or my digs. I certainly didn't intend to hurt anyone. I feel horribly that I did. I never intended this blog to be a vehicle for that. I always wanted to be honest, from my heart and just plain real.

I'm going to take a break here, from blogging, for awhile. I need to decide how/if I want to write this blog going forward. Do I want to have a 'sunshine and roses' blog that gives you the shiny details of Jacob's life or do I want to continue to write from my heart? Do I even want to write at all?

I've enjoyed the friendships that I've found out here and I'll continue to read and comment (carefully) as I sort myself out. We'll see what the future brings for me.

My apologies and certainly my regrets,
Gail

Staying out of the Devil's Workshop

I've been sitting here this morning with this window open, wondering what I was going to write about. I haven't posted in a while. It's not that I don't have anything to say but, I don't have anything to say. I do have a lot on my mind - Edna for instance. I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks. We seem to argue about everything as of late.

I had told Jeremy the other day that I feel like I have hundreds of things to do but, I really don't. I have some busy things to do yet, nothing on a deadline.

Jeremy's niece, Natalie, her birthday is tomorrow. I love my nieces, and Jeremy's too, I really do, but that Natalie, I just can't help it - she's got my heart and my purse strings! I'm thanking God today that I'm as organized and ahead of the game as I usually am - I had her birthday on my calendar a week LATE! Thankfully, I had finished her shopping at lunch yesterday and after a frantic wrapping frenzy, my MIL will pick up her gift tonight!

We're waiting to see if Jeremy has to work any part on Thanksgiving. His restaurant will be open this year. We're traveling to my sister's for Thanksgiving. I'm tired of not getting an RSVP or counting on 8 people for dinner and have only 2 show up. I don't want to go far without Jeremy. I don't want to travel alone with JJ either. I might cook a small meal for us to have leftovers.

The day after turkey, we'll start putting our Christmas tree up and decorating for Christmas. I have 3 (now) sets of ornaments/themes to decorate my tree. We have all of our special or gifted ornaments. I have a set of Disney collector ornaments and recently, Edna gave me back the Hallmark Mary's Angels ornaments that I had bought her every Christmas since 1991 (I'm missing 4 to the whole set!). I'm still not sure how I feel about that, though I did decide to continue the collection until I've resolved my issues with it. I can't decide what set I want to use!

I have to get Jacob in to get his '4' pictures done. The coupons came yesterday!!

Shortly after Thanksgiving (December 7), my little boy turns 4! We're having lasagna with G & G H., G & G S., cousin Whiz, and I invited my brother and his family too. And rather than cake this year, Jacob and I are making POLICE cupcakes! It's just a little get together at home on a Monday night. Enough to celebrate with him. He's so excited for his birthday this year! I think the kids with December and January birthdays get the short end of the stick! People lump their Christmas/birthday together into one gift - where other kids get 2! They have to wait ALL year for both! That's not fair! And there's Edna, who will send him $4 for being 4 and nothing for Christmas.

I've been working on my Christmas gifts - or trying to. I had the majority together last February. I have a couple of things to assemble yet. I'm working on personalizing them now.

Soon, it'll be time for Jacob and I to tackle Christmas cookies. He's really into 'baking cake' these days. He pulls a chair over to the counter to 'help'. We'll likely just stick to cut-outs - not that we need anymore cookies than that in my house anyway!

I am looking forward to Christmas. Jacob is really into it. We have G & G S. to share in it with us this year. I have a week off from work. We're not traveling. The shrimp and crab legs are in the freezer already, along with the bacon wrapped filet for 2! Jacob's gifts are all stashed away, waiting to be wrapped. Jeremy and I are still wavering if we're shopping for each other or what we're doing this year.

I have a few other projects that I'm preparing for. My friend Ember, is pregnant (I love saying those words) after a lllooonggg road with infertility, with her daughter, and I'm putting some very special, homemade lovies together for them. It's so hard to finish the things I have going already when I really, really, really want to make PINK things! I can't wait to spoil this little girl!

As if this wasn't enough, I went and ordered a new library book - our library has something called MeL (Michigan E Library). If my library doesn't have a book that I want, I can request it from MeL and a library that does have it, will send it to my library for me - free of charge. Isn't that great? So, I have this book, The Lives They Left Behind: Suitcases from a State Hospital Attic to read. Imagine that!?! A book about an abandoned mental institution! I've been waiting a while for this one!

I'm also, going to start making soy candles. Another adventure! As if crochet, quilting, reading, sewing, and baking weren't enough!

I looked back over this post, and WOW! It does seem like I have a lot going on. Yes, I still read to my child, we still check out police cars a few nights a week and we try to walk when it's nice out. I'm not a person that can sit, idle. I can't watch a movie or TV without my hands being busy. It's just my nature, I guess. After all, "idle hands are the devil's workshop"!

Edna's Future

Some of you know that I went to Manistee on my 'vacation' a few weeks ago. Part of my time there was set aside to go and see Edna.

She hired a doofus to put new windows and new siding on her house. You know what I'm going to to tell you, huh? Yeah, you do. Edna got taken to the tune of approximately $25,000.00. The guys showed up. The did 'some' work. Shitty work. And they left!

She didn't get any estimates. He's not licensed - his wife holds the contractor's license and he 'works' under her license. Edna didn't check any references. She didn't ask any of the 5 of us kids for help. She paid most of the money up front and they kept adding little things and charging her $300 -$500 each time and she just kept writing them checks. The best part = they came door-to-door. The 'shakes' in the below picture are on the 3 peaks of the house. All 3 peaks, are different shades of gray!

We all have been pushing to get her to leave this 5 bedroom, formal living room, dining room, family room and library with 2 1/2 baths, that is bigger than mine, house for years. This project was Edna's plan to show us that she was fine and she's smarter than we are. It kinda backfired.

Her new deck. The red parts were the existing deck built when I was 3 or 4 (1976 or 1977).

There is about a 2 inch gap between the bottom ledge and the bottom of the window. This window is the only window with individual panes of glass. And, this window is the only window they ordered in the 'correct' size. All the rest are too short and they put in wood at the top to cover the difference.

Sue him, you say? For what? Can't revoke a license that he doesn't have. Can't log a complaint against his license. If he'd even show up for court, yeah, they'd issue a warrant, big deal! You can't get blood from a turnip! He'd never pay any judgement. Then too, Edna would be out the legal fees ON TOP of the repair costs! Is that worth it?

I also brought these boxes back with me. Four of them. Full of expired food. We're not talking a few months expired either. I realized I had taken all she'd let me have when I found a can of beef broth expired in March 2008 and she wouldn't let me take it. "It's only a year expired!", she said.

This is a jar of honey. From Edna's parents farm. Grandpa and Grandma had bees and they canned the honey. Grandpa died in 1992.

No, it's not your eyes. This cocktail sauce expired Sept-10-1986!

And this jelly in October of 1988!

Did you know that tomatoes do this to the can when they rot in the can? ME neither!

How about some antibiotic ointment that expired in 1978! Aw, why not?

So, I drove the almost 3 hours home, with this in the back of my Explorer along with 10 ton of Avon from 1964, praying the ENTIRE time that nothing would explode, to throw it all in my trash so she couldn't go back for it. I did catch her hoarding some of that Avon before I left.

At one point, sorting through this stuff out in my driveway, I started to tear and sniffle. Jeremy asked if I was okay. "You know, it's not easy taking pictures to document that your mother is losing her mind!", was my response. Though, it's been a long time coming, it was hard to admit that's what I was really up to.

I have to go back to the Avon a minute. I remembered some of that stuff from when I was a kid. I remember the coveted Avon closet that we weren't allowed to go in. There was amazing stuff in there that any little girl would want. And I did! I wanted those crayon lip glosses, the pins with the little girl perfume wax, the little lipsticks in ice cream cones, the pig in a tub soap, oh, I wanted them in the worst way! All those years, 20 years, they sat in that closet. I couldn't have them, I couldn't touch them. WTF am I going to do with them now!?! (If you're wondering, it's sitting in my home office while I watch some identical pieces on an internet auction site to see if I have anything that anyone would want.) Anyone interested in old Avon?

What's going to happen to my mother? I don't know. I guess this is my first step to document what I see and what happens. It has always been difficult (to say the least) with Edna and it's not going to get any easier. I didn't share these photos to make fun of her or to shame her. I couldn't keep it all to myself anymore. There is a long road ahead, a very long road, of figuring out where to turn with her or what to do with her and she is less than willing to take any turn at all.

I'm not sure who's going to travel this road. At some points, I think it'll be me alone. Then again, I'm sure some will be Cindy on her own. Some Karen alone. Some Gloria alone (I don't think my brother will talk to Edna through any of this - though, I'm sure he'd help behind the scenes). At other points, I think the four of us girls will be on the same road just at different intervals. One in the lead with the others lagging behind licking our wounds. I hope there will be some points where we are all at the same point but, Edna likes to turn us against each other. I hope we're strong enough to fight her without fighting ourselves.

Please, dear God, give us STRENGTH! Amen!

Happy Halloween!

This was our first Halloween with 2 set of grandparents that are close enough to visit. I told Jeremy, 'you know, some people complain about running to both parents for Halloween - I think I kinda liked it!'

We went out to the fire station by Jeremy's parents for a Halloween party. Of course, Jacob had to see the firetrucks.


And we stopped in to see Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Gordon. Jacob was thrilled to see them, do you think they were happy to see us!?!


Jacob was "a police officer, just like Chris!" If you asked him what he was going to be for Halloween, that was his answer. He donned all of his Novi garb and away he went! He had his gun, handcuffs, and a "talkie-talkie" on his belt.

Lastly, our pumkins. We carved them in a cat theme this year, in memory of Brady. Jacob came down the morning after we carved them and said "Wow! Those are cool cats!"

Pumpkin Patch 2009

And you thought we didn't go!

It's been busy (I know, everyone says that) trying to get costumes and treats and pumpkins carved and decorated. And then to sit down and post?!?

This year is our 4th trip to Gene's.

Jacob and our loot.

Remember? Everything is orange.

2009

2008

2007

2006

Wishing all of you a safe and Happy Halloween! Trick OR Treat?!

Underwears

We just finished Jacob's first haircut at home, what a treat. I highly recommend everyone giving a kid with sensory processing issues a haircut. The fun part though was getting dressed. I asked Jacob to go pick out some underwear.

He said "Underwears?".

"Yes." I said.

Jacob comes out of his room with a big grin, "I'm gonna wear my toddy woddies!" (tighty-whiteys)

You can't help but smile, can you?

and saying "Good-bye"

2 weeks before Jeremy and I were married (7 years ago, 8 in April), we brought home a goofy, gray, cross-eyed, lanky kitten. He was 8 weeks old, newly neutered with a white face of the SOFTest fur. He had a gray smudge on his nose and his chin. It looked like someone had smeared paint on his face.

His name, Brady, after the QB from U of M - now the New England Patriots - Tom Brady.

He was my cat. My first real pet. That Edna couldn't give away.

We were packing for the Bahamas, for the wedding and I had to keep pulling the little snot out of my suitcase! I remember that whole week we were gone, I was worried about our new kitten being home without any grown-ups.

Brady was never a lap cat. He liked to rub against your feet or have his back scratched right above his tail. He waited for me outside the shower every morning to lick the water from my feet. I'd wake up to him sleeping in the crook of my knees and he'd jump down and wait for me to go into the bathroom. He'd mew (loud and annoying) until he was given a piece of toilet paper - to eat.

A few months ago, Brady stopped meeting me in the bathroom. He stopped sleeping in my bed. He started peeing in our basement and we knew something was wrong. We took him to the vet for a sleepover and she found crystals in his urine, meaning he has urinary tract problems. We gave him the medicines prescribed and Brady became VIOLENTLY ill! Throwing up, constantly. We stopped the meds. I bought a cat drinking fountain to give him fresh, clean water. We changed to wet food and a dry food designed to promote urinary tract health. We cleaned the basement and the litter boxes and that cat - he went right to my clean floor and he PEED!

Jeremy and I discussed options for Brady. The vet said there was nothing else she could do. We knew to take him to a shelter, they would eventually put him down. We knew we couldn't give him to someone else - who wants a peeing cat? We knew we couldn't send him to a farm as he's always been an indoor cat, he's declawed for Pete's sake!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009. I took this last picture of my cat.

I packed him in his carrier and Jeremy drove us to the vet's office. I hadn't planned to go in but, I couldn't leave him there alone. I knelt on the floor while my cat lay on the cold metal table. They gave him an injection to calm him and he put his head down with his tongue sticking out. The vet came back to give Brady the lethal dose and I sat with my cat, petting his head, bawling giant tears and apologizing to him for my failure to make him better. They left us alone with him while he died. The vet's assistant popped back with a box of Kleenex for me.

The vet came back a few minutes later with a stethoscope, checked Brady's heart and said, "He's gone.", I cried even harder and I couldn't leave him. Finally, Jeremy said, "It's time to go, honey, he's gone". We left the room and left my cat there alone and dead. I looked back as we walked out and I cried harder for Brady, to have to leave him there, alone. I shouldn't have looked back as all I can see is my cat - dead, on that table.

My house seems empty now that Brady is gone. Woody, my other cat, still cries for him so he can eat - Brady always ate first. Brady used the box first. Brady did everything first and Woody had to wait. I keep listening for his 19 lb. body thumping up the stairs but, he doesn't come.

I try not to think of what happened to Brady after we left the vet office. How the vet 'disposed' of him. We couldn't bury him at home (our house is built on an old cement dump and we can't dig that deep). I didn't want ashes. Maybe I don't want to know.

Jacob came into the bathroom this morning and told me that Brady died and he's in kitty heaven. I hope Brady's spirit is happy in kitty heaven. I hope he's chasing rubber bands and eating toilet paper. I wish he was still home, with me. I sure miss him!

Moving On

I'm still here. We've been on 'vacation' this week and honestly, I don't know where the time went. I do have some highlights from this past week and I'll get to those soon. I wanted to say some things regarding my last post though.

I used to think that infertility was something you got through or got over, maybe got past and I'm learning that it's really just something to live with. It's always going to be here. It's always going to be a part of me. Some days it's more of a silent partner. It's there but doesn't say or do much with my day to day responsibility. Some days, it wants to be the spoiled brat and jump out in front every chance it gets. It rips things from my grasp and takes them far away and it hides them. It doesn't share or play nice with others. It just wants center stage.

I've found more and more that it's really not events or pregnant women who bring it out. It's stupid people. People that are so busy painting pictures to see what their life is really like. People who are too ignorant to realize that there are better things in life than what other people see. People who only care about themselves or their own, with no regard to any one else - even their own children. And of course, those people, whom we all agree should have NEVER been blessed with children in the first place! Too, maybe I need to work on avoiding those triggers...

Really, though? After 7 years of this, I think I get to feel bad and be hurt once in a while. Why did I think I couldn't show it?

I'm not going to hide for comfort's sake anymore. If it hurts, this is my space to have that hurt. The place where I can leave it, safely. I don't want you to worry about me or feel bad for me. Please, don't feel sorry for me. Just know that I'm a little hurt, and I'll be back. I'll move on, again.

Plan? What Plan?

I'm not one to cry. I try to avoid it. I try to hold it back. I try to swallow my tears and get past all the shit. I hate the tight feeling around the eyes - the one that comes after you couldn't hold back any longer.

Why do people find it so hard to understand why we infertiles hurt? Why do we have to pretend that we're okay ALL of the time? We're not allowed to hurt once in awhile? Why do you want to change the subject? Why can't you just let us hurt? Why can't you talk to us about our hurt? Why can't you just let us cry? Why can't you hold us while we do?

I think that I have come to pretty good terms with our infertility - 99% of the time. I really, don't think about it much anymore. It doesn't consume my life anymore. I am able to be genuinely happy (thrilled!) for my friends who have had children or are carrying children. I like babies and baby showers. It's not an act.

I cherish my child. My Jacob. He is my life. He is my light. He is my son. My heart is full. I'm thankful, every day I'm thankful to have my son. I know how blessed I truly am.

But.

There are always the days when infertility just IS NOT FAIR! There are days when I just can't seem to move that hurt out of my way.

It's not fair that women have child after child that they leave behind.

It's not fair that women dump their children off on the grandparents every chance they get.

It's not fair that women dump their children off on the grandparents to raise these kids.

It's not fair that women are too busy to read to the children they have.

It's not fair that women are ignorant to their children and their needs.

It's not fair that women don't take steps to get proper health care for their children.

It's not fair that women don't ask questions and push for what's best for their children rather than what they want for them to be.

It's not fair that women are lazy and don't pay attention to where their kids are or what they're doing.

It's not fair that women don't let their children grow up. (i.e. don't wean from the bottle, don't pottie train, keep pacifiers until the kid is 10).

It's not fair that women continue to smoke cigarettes, dope, and coke (I don't know - do you smoke it?), or drink while they're pregnant.

It's not fair that women beat and abuse their children or let their men do it.

It's not FAIR! I'm not any of those things, yet I, I CANNOT CARRY A CHILD!

It's not fair that you walk past me and refuse to acknowledge when I do hurt.

It's not fair that I have to watch you not appreciate your children.

It's not fair that I have to see you not be a parent to your child.

It's not fair that you complain to me that your children are so naughty. Yet, I'm too strict.

It's not fair that you can never, once consider how I might feel.

It's not fair that you never give me the chance to tell you.

Edna reminded me this morning, through my tears, that I am truly blessed. And I know I am. I have a beautiful, precocious and precious little boy. God was certainly looking out for me and for Jacob. Yes, I was actually comforted by my mother.

I try so hard to do all of the right things with my son. I try to make as many special moments with him as I can. This is my only shot at this. It has to be a good one. It has to be right. It has to be as close to perfect as I can get. Most don't understand. Most think they can just have another child. And I can't. Some ask us if we'll adopt again. I believe that is God's plan.

Sometimes, the hardest thing about all this, is that it simply is God's plan.

Food Rules

I don't think I'm a picky eater. I like food. I do. I just have certain rules about food. I'm picky about what goes together or how it's prepared. I don't know where or how I picked up these rules. Edna does not have these rules...maybe they came up in response to her cooking....hmmm, I think that's what happened.

For instance:

I do NOT prepare meals from boxes. Potato flakes, hamburger helper, pasta salads, or pot pies - yes. No TV dinners. No prepacked meat shaped patties. No lasagna from a box. Blech! They taste like the box!

BBQ sauce has NO business on hamburgers. And never on a hot dog!

BBQ sauce is for chicken or pork. BBQ beef sandwiches (like pulled pork) are OK.

Sweet Baby Ray's is the only BBQ sauce that exists.

Ketchup is the perfect accompaniment for beef roast, meatloaf, and bologna.

Hot dogs MUST have buns. Hamburgers MUST have buns - not bread!

Relish is for hot dogs. Pickles are for hamburgers.

Eggs must have hard yolks when fried and scrambled eggs cannot be WET.

Bacon should never be hard or any color close to black.

Toast should be a crisp, light brown.

I prefer sandwiches not to be toasted.

Mayonnaise is for sandwiches. Miracle Whip is for salads. Except for tomato sandwiches!

Only milk in tomato soup!

Grilled cheese can only be cut on the diagonal. Every other sandwich has to be halved.

Bread butts are not to be consumed by humans!

Steak is medium rare to medium. Never, never, never, well done.

Cooked tuna fish (i.e. tuna casserole, tuna helper, creamed tuna on toast) is AWFUL!

Wavy chips are for dip - plain chips are not.

Salsa is NOT a substitute for ketchup nor is ketchup a sub for salsa!

Gravy does not belong on turkey. That's where the cranberry sauce goes.

Gravy is STRICTLY for potatoes.

Candy Corn is yellow, orange, and white. Anything else is NOT candy corn.

Nuts. Nuts have no business being in food. They belong in a can, not in my brownies, not in my cookies, and not in my bread either!

Chili is RED not WHITE - saltine crackers and cheddar cheese ARE required!

Most spaghetti sauce requires sugar. It's preferred WITHOUT meat.

Tacos belong in soft shells.

Ortega is the only taco seasoning in existence.

Yes, I do prefer for the food on my plate NOT to touch yet, I don't freak if it does.

Now Jeremy, Jeremy has one food rule - no cherries.

And Jacob - Jacob's rule is to just not eat anything anyone else does.

Edit and Crop

During the home tour with my sister in Marshall, one house we toured was a little odd. The interior was mostly white. White walls, white trim, white furniture, white, white, white. Of course, there were some splashes of color in large pieces of artwork, throw pillows, and rugs.

The dining room in this house really caught me. Again, it was all white. On the large wall was a floor to ceiling painting. On the wall to my right was a large white, wooden stand with a lt. blue beach glass vase holding some branches with crystals hanging from them. And on the wall behind were different serving platters and some framed photos of plants and flowers. I said to my sister - I can do that!

After we left this house, I was on a quest for white flowers. And I found some.

I have a little cropping and editing to do with them but, they're to go in my bedroom when I'm done with my new quilt and I'll post some pictures of that fabric very soon.

"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"

Making Changes - Confessions for Week 4

Wow! 1 month in. I'm getting a lot better at this. It's easier every week to say "No, we don't really need that." I'm beginning to feel like I don't need a lot of things. Or need to buy more things. I've really worked at sticking to limits. I do believe it's paying off.

Our mouse died. For the computer that is.

We got rid of the fleas.

I bought lunch once this week.

New waterproof mattress pads for Jacob's big boy bed.

I went to the consignment store and didn't buy even 1 thing!

I had brought a specific amount of cash money for our trip last weekend. We had enough left to order pizza when we got home AND there's still $20 on the kitchen counter! We didn't really hold back on the trip - we went for coffee every chance we had.

The best thing about this week - it's not like I'm really saying "no" anymore. It's that I don't need to.

Fall for Novi 2009/The Detroit Zoo

What a weekend WE had!

Saturday morning, I woke Jacob up and the first thing he said to me was "Are we going to see Chris now?"

We drove the 2-3 hours over to the Detroit area to attend the "Fall for Novi" event. Of course, they had an open house of their police and fire departments.

Here is Jacob with firefighter, Chris (not my nephew) using a real fire hose, attached to a real fire hydrant to put out a "fire". They had this little barn with "fire" on it. There are more pics on Flickr (which you can link to on the left).


They also used an extinguisher to put out a REAL fire. And that fire was H O T!



And he sat in "a wotta" firetrucks!


A "big guy wif a traywer"!

And this, this was the best part. That is my nephew's car. The one he drives when he is on duty. Jacob is sitting in the seat, and that's Chris in the blue shirt. I also have a nice picture of them both sitting in the back seat!

Jacob in the "jail for the naughty-naughties". He went into every holding cell and checked out every toilet!

His shirt says, "when I grow up, I want to be a police officer, just like my cousin!" He also has a Novi police sticker as well as a Novi Fire Department sticker, on his shirt. Last but not least, he is wearing his "police shoes" too.

Sunday, we woke up early, took a swim in the hotel pool, ate breakfast and headed to the Detroit Zoo. The Tauber Family Railroad took us to the back of the zoo and we walked to the front.

Jacob got a new "afari" hat and a rubber snake.

We saw two rhinoceroses (yes, I had to look that up!).

And some zebras.

And a 2 year old giraffe.

A hippopotamus with HORRIBLE breath!

A sleeping polar bear. Yes, his paws were right on the glass!

And another polar bear. "Take my picture wif that bear, mommy!"

The Rockham Fountain

Thank you, Chris, for opening your home and your home away from home to us. Thank you for being an excellent tour guide and showing us around your department. I couldn't be more proud of you or that Jacob has chosen you as one of his heroes. Be careful and stay safe!

Thank you Aunt Karen and Uncle Mike for helping us to put all of this together (you too, Chris) and to make another special memory with Jacob. We certainly appreciate all you did for us! We had a really great time!