Posting Fool

Maybe - maybe not, that's what I feel like anyway. There's sooooo much going on with us these days and writing it down seems to be the help the most. I've become almost used to the fact that if anything is going to happen, it's always going to happen to me. I'm not looking for sympathy, solutions, support (though always appreciated), I just need to brain dump.

I don't think I posted this but, Jeremy has a hernia. We've known about it for awhile. It's not the first one he's had (one in high school) and it's not serious. He has the procedure to fix it on Oct. 28. He had his consult with the surgeon this morning. I haven't been involved much in the process or gone to the appointments. He and I usually take care of our individual things on our own. I have no idea why but, I've been having a really hard time with this surgery. I don't take the word 'surgery' lightly. I hear it and I get instantly terrified - not that I've ever had a surgery before. I guess, it's always been Jeremy on this side, taking care of me. He's always been my support, my leaning post. This is the first time it's been him who's broken. He's my best friend, my partner, my...everything and it scares me to no end to think of a moment without him. I have to be his leaning post and not that I don't want to, not that I can't - it's...I don't know what it is. Scared to see him incapacitated? A little. Scared something will go horribly wrong? Definitely. Scared to be left alone with a small child to raise? Yes but, I can do it. Scared to be without him? Absolutely! But none of those things are really IT.

I feel like a big dope. I can't talk to Jeremy without bawling. I know that's not helping him. I know it's not going to help him. I know it's not going to help me. I haven't much talked to him about the details, recovery, restrictions, etc. - I can't hold myself together long enough. Yet, I can't continue to pretend it's not out there and I can't continue to pretend I'm not scared. I just am.