Demons

I ran head first into my infertility demon yesterday. The dirty bastard jumped right out from behind the couch and he caught me! Through our journey with infertility, I always felt worse for Jeremy. I think of how wonderful he really is, how much I do love him, how much he truly does love me, and I always feel so awful that he'll never see a child growing inside his wife or feel that child's kick. He'll never see a child we conceived come into and greet the world. He has to miss all of it and it's just not fair! I have come to terms with most of our infertility but, what Jeremy doesn't get to experience will always hurt my heart.

The jealousy demon has been after me too. I have one person in particular that I am insanely jealous of (yes, I'm admitting it!). To the point of when I see this person, the green-ness consumes me. I'm not jealous of this person for money, for looks, for personality - and believe it or not, it's not even for her children. It's how when she appears, she becomes the center of the universe - to everyone. It's like the world has stopped turning because she's here. In her wake, my husband, my son, get brushed aside to do, to take care of, to get, to give, everything, and then some for her. Blech!

I get tired of being treated as second best, as a failure. I'm tired of our infertility being swept under someone else's rug because THEY (not me) are afraid to talk about it. I'm tired of being side-stepped. I'm tired of certain people trying to make Jacob's adoption into something to be ashamed of, never to be talked about. I'm tired of his first-mommy being referred to - in Jacob's presence, as a "druggie", or, "worthless" or, "trash" or, "unfit". I'm tired of the looks on people's faces when they hear Jacob 'still sees her'. I'm tired of being tip-toed around because I'm strong, outspoken, determined, independent, and self-sufficient. I'm tired of the people who think I should feel sorry for them and for the results of the shitty choices they have made in their lives but I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because my infertility issues are out of my control. I'm tired of being the "spoiled brat" or "not knowing what it's like to be poor". I'm tired of being treated like I'm less, like I deserve less because I can't carry a child. We're talking about demons...there's some demons!

We're getting ready to go up for the Fourth. Though I love to go home, and I love to see my family, there's a whole new set of demons to contend with. I'll re-live all of them. In my mind. The day my sister was killed, my parents' divorce, the day I moved away, the phone call I missed to come and sit with my dad before he passed away, the day my best friend, shot and killed himself. Sure, there's a lot of good memories there too, learning to ride a bike, walking on the beach picking up 'glass rocks' as we called them, and there are still enough good memories left up there to be made for Jacob , with Jacob. For him, it'll always be the best I can possibly ever give.

You see, I'm a wife and I'm a mom. I'm always both of them before I'm me. My husband and my son always come first. I see their hurts and it's my job to fix them, no matter who or what caused them, before I fix my own. I'm learning that I can't simply cover my hurts or my demons with fresh paint, new carpet, new furniture, and swimming pools. I have a lot of hurt to resolve. Funny, thing about hurts - they never get resolved if you don't deal with them and you can't deal with them until you talk about them but it hurts too much to talk about them so you never deal with them and when you choose not to deal with them, you can't resolve them. Hmm?