Thursday, May 29, 2008
Jacob's 1st trip to the Emergency Room
I just came back from lunch and my phone was ringing. I recognized the number and knew immediately something had happened to Jacob. He scratched off that mole or whatever it is on his face and it wouldn't quit bleeding. I flew to day-care and it was still bleeding. My plan was to go to our pediatrician but with the amount of blood, I knew I couldn't drive that far by myself and Jeremy was over 45 minutes away. Jacob and I drove to the local ER. While there, he soaked 3 gauze pads, 2 hand towels and my shirt with blood and showed no signs of stopping. Finally, about 2:30 PM the Dr. came in with two nurses, they put JJ's arms in a pillowcase behind his back and strapped him down to the pediatric backboard and they tried to cauterize it with the stick, that didn't work. They ended up using something called Gelfoam with a strip of tape to hold it in place. The Dr. said it was arterial which is what caused it to bleed so much. If the Gelfoam doesn't work, we have to bring JJ back and they'll give him a stitch to keep it closed. As you can see, it seems to be working just fine.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Murray found a new home.
One of the managers from Jeremy's store picked Murray up this morning and took him to live with her parents.I feel a little guilty for giving him away. I don't believe pets are disposable. I do believe to have a pet, it has to be the right pet for you. When it was just Jeremy and I, it wasn't a problem. We took Murray everywhere with us. Once Jacob came home, it was harder to take everything for a baby and everything for a dog. It was harder to go away for a weekend and we couldn't leave Murray with just anyone after he started snapping at little kids and having accidents on my floor (Drew - you're a saint!). Murray and Jacob did get along pretty well but, when Murray had enough (no, we aren't the 'let the kid maul the dog and get mad at the dog' type) he would go upstairs to hide. I felt even more guilty then. We couldn't take him with us as much - we couldn't trust him. What kind of life is that for an old dog?!? The biggest clue it was time for Murray to go...Jacob started calling him "Buh-gie" which translates to "bad dog". I'd guess he's heard it a lot.
Murray wasn't my choice in a dog. He's not what I would have picked. Murray came to us as a favor to a friend. He stayed with us for almost 3 years. He's a good dog. The sad thing, Murray wasn't always terrified of everything. It's gotten worse over time. We just couldn't love him enough, we couldn't pet him enough, or cuddle him enough. We always said he just needed a nice grandma to love him. We found that for him.
I'm sure we'll have a dog again. Someday. When Jacob is older. A real dog that says "woof" instead of "yipe". A real dog that can swipe the coffee table with his tail. A dog that we pick as a puppy to train and be "our dog".
Good-bye Murray! We hope your life is better in your new home.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Buye Binky!
This weekend, Jacob said goodbye to the Binky! It had gotten to the point where he wanted one for his mouth, one for each hand, and was asking for more to put in his dump trucks. My patience with binkies had run OUT. I put them all in a bowl and high on the counter - I don't know what I was saving them for. They should go in the trash. Jacob has been asking for them and we tell him the binkies went bye-bye, to a baby that needs them cuz Jacob's a big boy and big boys don't need binkies. He looks me in the eye and says "buye binky!" He's taken a nap without, and gone to bed for two nights without. We haven't had any meltdowns either. Honestly, it was easier than I thought!
I made an appointment with the pediatrician for Jacob - it's June 2. He had a scratch by his nose, under his eye. The scratch healed but, a very strange mark grew in it's place. Edna always referred to them as strawberry birthmarks and I'm not sure that's what this is. What Jacob has is similar to these but not as red, it's smaller, and it's smooth. I'm concerned for as fast as it has grown and the way it has raised from his skin. It doesn't look like a blister or a pimple, more like a mole or a skin tab. There isn't any swelling or redness around it. It doesn't hurt him. We'll have the Dr. take a look at it.
My nephew, Matt and his girlfriend, Kim brought Jacob a new slide over the weekend. I think the whole thing is less than 3 feet tall. Jacob loves it! He can climb in, slide down, and stand back up all by himself! He's so proud. He's in a bit of an independent stage. He wants to do everything himself. They also brought a Batman scooter but, Jacob thinks it's some kind of bike and gets mad because he can't ride it. We did fix up his tricycle on a stick (ours is the previous model - $5 at a yard sale) and he loves to sit on that while we push him. He is quick to get angry though as he wants to pedal it but, won't push on the pedals...Go figure!
Lastly, congratulations to Kim and Jason (Jeremy's boss and his wife) on the new addition to their family. Welcome Carson!
I made an appointment with the pediatrician for Jacob - it's June 2. He had a scratch by his nose, under his eye. The scratch healed but, a very strange mark grew in it's place. Edna always referred to them as strawberry birthmarks and I'm not sure that's what this is. What Jacob has is similar to these but not as red, it's smaller, and it's smooth. I'm concerned for as fast as it has grown and the way it has raised from his skin. It doesn't look like a blister or a pimple, more like a mole or a skin tab. There isn't any swelling or redness around it. It doesn't hurt him. We'll have the Dr. take a look at it.
My nephew, Matt and his girlfriend, Kim brought Jacob a new slide over the weekend. I think the whole thing is less than 3 feet tall. Jacob loves it! He can climb in, slide down, and stand back up all by himself! He's so proud. He's in a bit of an independent stage. He wants to do everything himself. They also brought a Batman scooter but, Jacob thinks it's some kind of bike and gets mad because he can't ride it. We did fix up his tricycle on a stick (ours is the previous model - $5 at a yard sale) and he loves to sit on that while we push him. He is quick to get angry though as he wants to pedal it but, won't push on the pedals...Go figure!
Lastly, congratulations to Kim and Jason (Jeremy's boss and his wife) on the new addition to their family. Welcome Carson!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Goodnight Grandpa Web
No, I'm not going for a record number of posts this month. I have a lot to get off of my mind.
In our stairway, I have three collage frames. One with pictures of Jeremy before me, one with pictures of me before Jeremy - including one of me with my dad, and the third has pictures of Jeremy and I together. When putting Jacob to bed, we pass those frames, Jacob always says goodnight to Daddy, then I say "Say goodnight to Grandpa Web." and Jacob usually waves. Last night though, on his own accord, my Jacob blew Grandpa Web a kiss. I hugged my sweet boy and I cried.
Jacob is the only one of my dad's grandchildren that he didn't get to meet. He didn't get to hold him, kiss him, or smile proudly at him. I know my dad is beaming from Heaven, watching over his youngest grandson. I can see his big smile, and those deep dimples on both cheeks - if only in my mind. Sometimes when I look at my Jacob, I'm amazed to see that same smile. I know my dad would love Jacob as much as he loved his biological grandchildren and I know he's just as proud.
I didn't have a good relationship with my dad. I regret that now. I wish I would have gone to see him more, talked to him more, did more, been there the day he died. He was 46 years old when I was born. He'd already had Multiple Sclerosis before I was even a thought. He moved out of our house when I was 8 years old. I didn't know him. I didn't understand. I got into the teenage girl phase and it got worse. My parents divorced when I was 16. It was a messy divorce. I chose to stay away. He died before I was adult enough to understand everything that had happened.
In the end, it all comes down to a matter of choices. The things we choose to do, to say, to remember, or to forget. We choose to make relationships or ignore them. I made choices regarding my father, I have to live with them now, it's too late to fix them. I hope I can make better choices with Jacob and not make more regrets.
I like bedtime with Jacob and as our "Say goodnight to Grandpa Web" routine continues, I'll say goodnight to my dad, I'll miss him, and I know there will always be a few tears for my daddy. I hope Grandpa Web hears our 'good nights', and he knows just how much we love him.
In our stairway, I have three collage frames. One with pictures of Jeremy before me, one with pictures of me before Jeremy - including one of me with my dad, and the third has pictures of Jeremy and I together. When putting Jacob to bed, we pass those frames, Jacob always says goodnight to Daddy, then I say "Say goodnight to Grandpa Web." and Jacob usually waves. Last night though, on his own accord, my Jacob blew Grandpa Web a kiss. I hugged my sweet boy and I cried.
Jacob is the only one of my dad's grandchildren that he didn't get to meet. He didn't get to hold him, kiss him, or smile proudly at him. I know my dad is beaming from Heaven, watching over his youngest grandson. I can see his big smile, and those deep dimples on both cheeks - if only in my mind. Sometimes when I look at my Jacob, I'm amazed to see that same smile. I know my dad would love Jacob as much as he loved his biological grandchildren and I know he's just as proud.
I didn't have a good relationship with my dad. I regret that now. I wish I would have gone to see him more, talked to him more, did more, been there the day he died. He was 46 years old when I was born. He'd already had Multiple Sclerosis before I was even a thought. He moved out of our house when I was 8 years old. I didn't know him. I didn't understand. I got into the teenage girl phase and it got worse. My parents divorced when I was 16. It was a messy divorce. I chose to stay away. He died before I was adult enough to understand everything that had happened.
In the end, it all comes down to a matter of choices. The things we choose to do, to say, to remember, or to forget. We choose to make relationships or ignore them. I made choices regarding my father, I have to live with them now, it's too late to fix them. I hope I can make better choices with Jacob and not make more regrets.
I like bedtime with Jacob and as our "Say goodnight to Grandpa Web" routine continues, I'll say goodnight to my dad, I'll miss him, and I know there will always be a few tears for my daddy. I hope Grandpa Web hears our 'good nights', and he knows just how much we love him.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Tuna Melts
When I was a kid, my sister Valerie, usually made tuna melts for lunch on Saturdays. I hated them! Ugh, she loved onions and used a lot of them. After she died, I don't think I ever had tuna melts again.
When I was in Oregon, with my sister Gloria, I learned to make tuna fish sandwiches in the West Coast style using dill weed, sour cream, onion, and chopped dill pickle on sourdough bread.
This weekend, I thought I'd make Gloria's version of tuna fish and melt some cheese over it under the broiler like Valerie used to do. Only, I have never put anything under the broiler before. I had my freshly baked bread, my tuna fish, and my Velveeta all assembled on a pan and put it under the broiler. Remember, I've never done this before - "5 minutes under the broiler that oughta be long enough", I said to myself. I set the timer, went in to play with Jacob and then I smelled something burning. I pulled open the drawer to black, smoking, hockey pucks on a pan!
I turned my oven on, made another sandwich, and cut more Velveeta. 10 minutes later, I had my tuna melts. I thought of my sister and enjoyed my sandwich. I opened the windows to let out the smoke.
Jeremy later informed me that 2 minutes under the broiler would have been plenty! He also informed me that the broiler in an electric oven is very different than in a gas oven. Edna had an electric oven, ours is gas. Knowing what I know now, I think I'll call for help before attempting the broiler again!
When I was in Oregon, with my sister Gloria, I learned to make tuna fish sandwiches in the West Coast style using dill weed, sour cream, onion, and chopped dill pickle on sourdough bread.
This weekend, I thought I'd make Gloria's version of tuna fish and melt some cheese over it under the broiler like Valerie used to do. Only, I have never put anything under the broiler before. I had my freshly baked bread, my tuna fish, and my Velveeta all assembled on a pan and put it under the broiler. Remember, I've never done this before - "5 minutes under the broiler that oughta be long enough", I said to myself. I set the timer, went in to play with Jacob and then I smelled something burning. I pulled open the drawer to black, smoking, hockey pucks on a pan!
I turned my oven on, made another sandwich, and cut more Velveeta. 10 minutes later, I had my tuna melts. I thought of my sister and enjoyed my sandwich. I opened the windows to let out the smoke.
Jeremy later informed me that 2 minutes under the broiler would have been plenty! He also informed me that the broiler in an electric oven is very different than in a gas oven. Edna had an electric oven, ours is gas. Knowing what I know now, I think I'll call for help before attempting the broiler again!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Redemption
Jacob had a session with the speech therapist this morning. She brought a baggie with 4 different whistles for Jacob to practice. There's a flute, a straw, a duck (looks like a referee whistle), and funny, blue lips. Each whistle is different in pitch as well as difficulty to blow. These whistles will help to strengthen mouth muscles and his lungs to help make sounds better.
Jan and Jay worked on the vowel sounds, mostly. Like oohs, aahs, wows, yucks, etc. They did a couple of handouts. They cut-out the pictures, made the sounds, pasted them to the paper and colored them. She also brought a book, If you see a kitten. If you have a chance, follow the link. This book looks for the child to give a one word response using the same vowel sounds they practiced. Plus it's cute to boot! Jacob loved it!
We're now tasked with practicing the whistles and adding more to our little band. I'm hoping to find a set of instruments to keep practicing and a copy of the kitten book for both home and day-care. We will continue to work on our vowel sounds. Since Jacob has become much of a mimic this past week, we should see quite a bit of cooperation on his part. No, I'm not counting on it!
Jeremy and I both felt better after this session. Kind of an "Ah! Finally!" feeling. They'll be back once a month through the summer and we will work on each session until they return for the next. This is more of where we wanted to be. Hopefully we can make some good progress and have a little fun too!
Jacob has also taken to calling Jeremy "Big Da!" or "Big, big, Da!" I don't know where it came from but it's too funny!
Jan and Jay worked on the vowel sounds, mostly. Like oohs, aahs, wows, yucks, etc. They did a couple of handouts. They cut-out the pictures, made the sounds, pasted them to the paper and colored them. She also brought a book, If you see a kitten. If you have a chance, follow the link. This book looks for the child to give a one word response using the same vowel sounds they practiced. Plus it's cute to boot! Jacob loved it!
We're now tasked with practicing the whistles and adding more to our little band. I'm hoping to find a set of instruments to keep practicing and a copy of the kitten book for both home and day-care. We will continue to work on our vowel sounds. Since Jacob has become much of a mimic this past week, we should see quite a bit of cooperation on his part. No, I'm not counting on it!
Jeremy and I both felt better after this session. Kind of an "Ah! Finally!" feeling. They'll be back once a month through the summer and we will work on each session until they return for the next. This is more of where we wanted to be. Hopefully we can make some good progress and have a little fun too!
Jacob has also taken to calling Jeremy "Big Da!" or "Big, big, Da!" I don't know where it came from but it's too funny!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
I believe -
I believe -
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe -
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe -
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe -
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe -
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe -
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe -
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe -
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe -
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe -
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe -
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe -
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe -
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe -
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to stay that way.
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to stay that way.
I believe -
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe -
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe -
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe -
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe -
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe -
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe -
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe -
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe -
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I made a bet...
So, if you know anything about my love for baseball you know:
I am a Cardinals fan.
The St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Cubs are the BIGGEST rivals in Major League Baseball.
I think Carlos Zambrano is Satan himself - in a Cubs uniform.
Jim Edmonds who was a multiple Golden Glove Award winner for St. Louis was signed by Chicago yesterday.
The Cubs are playing some good baseball right now - they're 2.o games up and in 1st place.
What you may not know:
My father was a Cubs fan. My brother still is a Cubs fan. I'm also surrounded by Cubs fans.
I bet...one of the guys from work, that if his Cubs, make it to- make it, not win the World Series, that I will either wear his Cubs jersey or proudly display it in my cubicle. If my Cardinals make it, he'll be sporting Mark McGwire.
My luck...the back of this Cubs jersey probably says ZAMBRANO in big, red letters!
Maybe you knew this too - I have a big, dumb, mouth! Go Cardinals! Please!
I am a Cardinals fan.
The St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Cubs are the BIGGEST rivals in Major League Baseball.
I think Carlos Zambrano is Satan himself - in a Cubs uniform.
Jim Edmonds who was a multiple Golden Glove Award winner for St. Louis was signed by Chicago yesterday.
The Cubs are playing some good baseball right now - they're 2.o games up and in 1st place.
What you may not know:
My father was a Cubs fan. My brother still is a Cubs fan. I'm also surrounded by Cubs fans.
I bet...one of the guys from work, that if his Cubs, make it to- make it, not win the World Series, that I will either wear his Cubs jersey or proudly display it in my cubicle. If my Cardinals make it, he'll be sporting Mark McGwire.
My luck...the back of this Cubs jersey probably says ZAMBRANO in big, red letters!
Maybe you knew this too - I have a big, dumb, mouth! Go Cardinals! Please!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
...and Finally, 76 - 100 for the Bucket
76. Learn to dance - like ballroom stuff.
77. Make good soup from scratch.
78. Make homemade ice cream on warm summer days.
79. Remember my dad and smile proudly rather than cry.
80. Take singing lessons.
81.Completely quit smoking!
82. Have a big porch swing, with comfy cushions and fluffy pillows.
83. Have a beautiful green lawn.
84. Be closer with my sisters.
85. Speak in front of a large group with confidence.
86. Think before I speak.
87. Write down the story of Jacob and how he came to us.
88.Organize my desk at work and keep it that way.
89. Tour the Ford River Rouge Factory. (my mom's dad worked there)
90. Overcome my fear of heights.
91. Bake treats for Jacob's birthday and events at school.
92. Overcome my shyness.
93. Attend all of Jacob's school/sport events.
94. Keep up traditions we've started.
95. Stop Swearing!
96. Get a pedicure - I have the freaky long 2nd toe - I'm a little self-conscious of it.
97. Volunteer for Jacob's school.
98. Be more active in church functions.
99. Make more good friends.
100. (Yes, I stole this from Em but, I like it.) Tell my friends and my family how much I really do love them and repeat.
77. Make good soup from scratch.
78. Make homemade ice cream on warm summer days.
79. Remember my dad and smile proudly rather than cry.
80. Take singing lessons.
81.
82. Have a big porch swing, with comfy cushions and fluffy pillows.
83. Have a beautiful green lawn.
84. Be closer with my sisters.
85. Speak in front of a large group with confidence.
86. Think before I speak.
87. Write down the story of Jacob and how he came to us.
88.
89. Tour the Ford River Rouge Factory. (my mom's dad worked there)
90. Overcome my fear of heights.
91. Bake treats for Jacob's birthday and events at school.
92. Overcome my shyness.
93. Attend all of Jacob's school/sport events.
94. Keep up traditions we've started.
95. Stop Swearing!
96. Get a pedicure - I have the freaky long 2nd toe - I'm a little self-conscious of it.
97. Volunteer for Jacob's school.
98. Be more active in church functions.
99. Make more good friends.
100. (Yes, I stole this from Em but, I like it.) Tell my friends and my family how much I really do love them and repeat.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Jacob's Reassessment
I had a few other things on my mind and didn't get this out here as soon as I wanted.
Jacob had his reassessment on Monday morning. The good news is - he's made up a month of development. He's only at a 5 month delay as opposed to the 6 month delay we started with. Also, with the paperwork they completed he's now eligible for Head Start. It's normally income based and we wouldn't qualify without the paperwork they initiated.
Jeremy and I are also a little frustrated with the program and the lack of progress. When they were here, it was a little observation of Jacob, little explanation, and a lot of paper signing. All this time they've been here, there hasn't been much work with Jacob and we don't understand it. While they were here, we were informed that they are going into the summer break and they really don't work over the summer so, they'll drop in once a month and come back in the fall BUT, Jacob will turn 3 in December and his services with Early On will end. At this point, we're not sure what the F we've accomplished over the past few months and why they were even here!
I don't know where to go next, what to do from here. I'm pissed. I know that much. I'm told Head Start really doesn't do much with kids with speech delay. I'm told there isn't really much they can do until he starts school. Early On also explained that Jacob would likely be in a resource room type when he does start school. I'm NOT happy about that! I'm damn pissed about that! It's what we wanted most to avoid! Damn! I'm pissed!
My niece, Liz is majoring in Early Childhood Development and she has one more year. My first step is to call her and see what she can offer, what she knows. Shit, I'd even give her gas money to come and work with him! I also plan to search the web and see what we can do to work with him ourselves. I don' t know what else to do.
The speech therapist comes back next week, and the other therapist the next week. I'm hoping they'll come armed with...something, some exercises for us to work with him - I don't know what I want. I want a plan. I want something!
Jacob had his reassessment on Monday morning. The good news is - he's made up a month of development. He's only at a 5 month delay as opposed to the 6 month delay we started with. Also, with the paperwork they completed he's now eligible for Head Start. It's normally income based and we wouldn't qualify without the paperwork they initiated.
Jeremy and I are also a little frustrated with the program and the lack of progress. When they were here, it was a little observation of Jacob, little explanation, and a lot of paper signing. All this time they've been here, there hasn't been much work with Jacob and we don't understand it. While they were here, we were informed that they are going into the summer break and they really don't work over the summer so, they'll drop in once a month and come back in the fall BUT, Jacob will turn 3 in December and his services with Early On will end. At this point, we're not sure what the F we've accomplished over the past few months and why they were even here!
I don't know where to go next, what to do from here. I'm pissed. I know that much. I'm told Head Start really doesn't do much with kids with speech delay. I'm told there isn't really much they can do until he starts school. Early On also explained that Jacob would likely be in a resource room type when he does start school. I'm NOT happy about that! I'm damn pissed about that! It's what we wanted most to avoid! Damn! I'm pissed!
My niece, Liz is majoring in Early Childhood Development and she has one more year. My first step is to call her and see what she can offer, what she knows. Shit, I'd even give her gas money to come and work with him! I also plan to search the web and see what we can do to work with him ourselves. I don' t know what else to do.
The speech therapist comes back next week, and the other therapist the next week. I'm hoping they'll come armed with...something, some exercises for us to work with him - I don't know what I want. I want a plan. I want something!
This is why I said what I said
I had written in my last post about living for the now, about making your memories better before you have a child, and bringing that child into a home without pain. I said what I said because I didn't do that myself. I had written this some time ago and I'm going to share with you what it was like for me because I didn't deal with my infertility until after Jacob came home.
We met Amber in July of 2005 and I was thrown into a complete tailspin. I didn’t know where to go, what to do, or where to begin. I had a baby coming in a few months – a lot of hurt, a marriage almost in the toilet, and this amazing girl wanting to give me a child. I had to figure out how the whole process works, hire an attorney, get a home study – yeah, a home study – shit – they were going to find out that I wasn’t okay. They were going to find out that our marriage was crap, and that every time I saw a baby or heard someone was pregnant that I wanted to rage. I had to clean it up and quick-like. So, I threw a sheet over it all and away we went.
When Jacob was born, we had to abide by hospital rules and Amber’s best interest. We didn’t get to celebrate at the hospital and invite everybody up to see our new son. The hospital acknowledged Jeremy and I and gave us a lot of the same permissions as Amber but, those three days were her time with her son, and time for her to see how we were with him. Also, we didn’t want her to feel bad by making a big celebration in the wake of her loss. The nurses were cruel to Amber and to us as it was so, no point in making things worse. The hospital wouldn't discharge Jacob with us so they discharged him with Amber. The day we left the hospital with Jacob, we had to go straight to the lawyer and take Amber with us - she had to sign papers too. Who brings their new baby home and has to stop off at the lawyer to sign papers? My son was almost 4 days old before I had time with him all to myself! Then for six months, we had to watch everything we did. Our case worker could show up on our doorstep at any time and they could take Jacob away from us. Amber and Rob EACH had 30 days to change their minds – all they had to do was prove us unfit. We didn’t know what unfit meant but, we knew she could take her child back! We were scared. We didn’t want to lose Jacob. We kept to ourselves, where we could control what happened, where we could watch him every second. If we did that, everything would be perfect, the adoption would be final and we wouldn’t have to worry about anybody taking him away.
Jacob’s adoption paper came in the mail on July 16, 2006. We were his parents, he was our child. Right there in black and white, complete with the court seal. Most kids come with a birth certificate. Jacob came with two birth certificates, and adoption papers. Even on the best day of my life, I have to be reminded of my infertility.
There was one point, I think Jacob was 4 or 5 months old. Jeremy's parents had come to see Jacob for an afternoon. I knew his mom was bubbling over wanting to tell us something and when she said her daughter was pregnant again with twins, I just lost it. I handed Jacob off to Jeremy and ran to my room and cried. I heard his parents leave, and Jeremy brought Jacob up to see if I was okay. I was so hurt. I was so angry. I couldn't understand how this could happen. I didn't understand how God could be so cruel to me. I will never forget that day. It was at that point when I realized I needed to get control of this. I had a beautiful child smiling at his mom. He doesn't care how he got here. He doesn't know any differently. To him, I'm his mom. I'm holding on to all this crap, and he just wants his mom. I'm his mom.
I think often about that day, about that time. About the moment when I realized I had to deal with my pain, my jealousy, my failures, my hurts, my shame, my inadequacies, and don't want to forget it.
I wish now, that I would have been happier when Jacob was a newborn. I wish I would have had a clearer mind. I would have taken more pictures of his teeny toes and his long fingers. I would have savored my time with him instead of being scared and scarred. I can't get that time back.
Jeremy and I have worked very hard to get our friendship back. We did some therapy. Mostly, we talk a lot and about everything. We have learned to take down walls and open doors. I think we've healed pretty well. I also think his ADHD-I has actually been a blessing of sorts for us. It's helping me understand what is going on with him. It's helping him be able to focus and accomplish. We're stronger now together. We've learned it's easier to present a united front. Most importantly, we love each other, very much.
I still worry sometimes about losing my son. Someone reports us to Child Protective Services to open an investigation - I wouldn't put it past some people. I can't live scared anymore. I focus now on making Jacob's childhood the best I can. I focus on Matchbox cars, big trucks, wagon rides, coloring books, swings, slides, and sandboxes. I make a point of giving hugs and kisses at any time. I read books. I do silly things like eat pudding for breakfast on our kitchen floor, dance crazily to kids music, and sing funny songs.
I realize that it doesn't matter, the hurts in my heart, it doesn't matter how I got to be Jacob's mom. I am his mom. It's what I did from the moment I became his mom and forward that matters. I don't think my best self was in there. I don't think I was the best I could be. I don't like having those regrets. I don't like looking back at the ugliness and I wish I would have done it differently, done it better.
That's why I said what I said...
We met Amber in July of 2005 and I was thrown into a complete tailspin. I didn’t know where to go, what to do, or where to begin. I had a baby coming in a few months – a lot of hurt, a marriage almost in the toilet, and this amazing girl wanting to give me a child. I had to figure out how the whole process works, hire an attorney, get a home study – yeah, a home study – shit – they were going to find out that I wasn’t okay. They were going to find out that our marriage was crap, and that every time I saw a baby or heard someone was pregnant that I wanted to rage. I had to clean it up and quick-like. So, I threw a sheet over it all and away we went.
When Jacob was born, we had to abide by hospital rules and Amber’s best interest. We didn’t get to celebrate at the hospital and invite everybody up to see our new son. The hospital acknowledged Jeremy and I and gave us a lot of the same permissions as Amber but, those three days were her time with her son, and time for her to see how we were with him. Also, we didn’t want her to feel bad by making a big celebration in the wake of her loss. The nurses were cruel to Amber and to us as it was so, no point in making things worse. The hospital wouldn't discharge Jacob with us so they discharged him with Amber. The day we left the hospital with Jacob, we had to go straight to the lawyer and take Amber with us - she had to sign papers too. Who brings their new baby home and has to stop off at the lawyer to sign papers? My son was almost 4 days old before I had time with him all to myself! Then for six months, we had to watch everything we did. Our case worker could show up on our doorstep at any time and they could take Jacob away from us. Amber and Rob EACH had 30 days to change their minds – all they had to do was prove us unfit. We didn’t know what unfit meant but, we knew she could take her child back! We were scared. We didn’t want to lose Jacob. We kept to ourselves, where we could control what happened, where we could watch him every second. If we did that, everything would be perfect, the adoption would be final and we wouldn’t have to worry about anybody taking him away.
Jacob’s adoption paper came in the mail on July 16, 2006. We were his parents, he was our child. Right there in black and white, complete with the court seal. Most kids come with a birth certificate. Jacob came with two birth certificates, and adoption papers. Even on the best day of my life, I have to be reminded of my infertility.
There was one point, I think Jacob was 4 or 5 months old. Jeremy's parents had come to see Jacob for an afternoon. I knew his mom was bubbling over wanting to tell us something and when she said her daughter was pregnant again with twins, I just lost it. I handed Jacob off to Jeremy and ran to my room and cried. I heard his parents leave, and Jeremy brought Jacob up to see if I was okay. I was so hurt. I was so angry. I couldn't understand how this could happen. I didn't understand how God could be so cruel to me. I will never forget that day. It was at that point when I realized I needed to get control of this. I had a beautiful child smiling at his mom. He doesn't care how he got here. He doesn't know any differently. To him, I'm his mom. I'm holding on to all this crap, and he just wants his mom. I'm his mom.
I think often about that day, about that time. About the moment when I realized I had to deal with my pain, my jealousy, my failures, my hurts, my shame, my inadequacies, and don't want to forget it.
I wish now, that I would have been happier when Jacob was a newborn. I wish I would have had a clearer mind. I would have taken more pictures of his teeny toes and his long fingers. I would have savored my time with him instead of being scared and scarred. I can't get that time back.
Jeremy and I have worked very hard to get our friendship back. We did some therapy. Mostly, we talk a lot and about everything. We have learned to take down walls and open doors. I think we've healed pretty well. I also think his ADHD-I has actually been a blessing of sorts for us. It's helping me understand what is going on with him. It's helping him be able to focus and accomplish. We're stronger now together. We've learned it's easier to present a united front. Most importantly, we love each other, very much.
I still worry sometimes about losing my son. Someone reports us to Child Protective Services to open an investigation - I wouldn't put it past some people. I can't live scared anymore. I focus now on making Jacob's childhood the best I can. I focus on Matchbox cars, big trucks, wagon rides, coloring books, swings, slides, and sandboxes. I make a point of giving hugs and kisses at any time. I read books. I do silly things like eat pudding for breakfast on our kitchen floor, dance crazily to kids music, and sing funny songs.
I realize that it doesn't matter, the hurts in my heart, it doesn't matter how I got to be Jacob's mom. I am his mom. It's what I did from the moment I became his mom and forward that matters. I don't think my best self was in there. I don't think I was the best I could be. I don't like having those regrets. I don't like looking back at the ugliness and I wish I would have done it differently, done it better.
That's why I said what I said...
Monday, May 12, 2008
In lieu of...
I had originally planned to post something else today but, as I was updating myself on the other blogs I frequent, I came across something I feel, I need to address more than what I was planning to say before, needs to be told.
I feel a little guilty, a little out of place, celebrating Mother's Day too. I know that I am a mom, and I deserve it and all that crap you're going to tell me but, sometimes...my failures sneak in too. I wait for the day when Jacob tells me I'm not his real mom. Not to mention, after listening to Edna complain because her children didn't do anything for her for mother's day (I sent a card from us, one from Jacob and I called. I don't know what the other 4 did - I didn't ask!), after all she's done for them, doesn't help. We all like to be reminded of what horrible children we are. Don't we?
I keep telling my mother that these things she complains about are the things a mom is supposed to do. She's supposed to drive us everywhere, give us money, buy us clothes and shoes. She's supposed to work hard to give us the things we need, to put food on our table. She's supposed to pay the doctors, the dentists, and the parochial schools. She's supposed to let her teeth fall out and fix ours. She's supposed to put off her new winter coat for one more year because her kid needs new boots. She's supposed to stay up all night with a sick child and go to work the next morning because she can't afford to lose a days pay. She's supposed to run us back and forth from college, pick us up in the middle of the night when we're scared. She's supposed to come to school plays, sports, and Christmas programs. She wants a reward for these things. Things she's supposed to do. Wasn't I reward enough? Did I ask to be born?
I know, too well, the ups, the downs, of TTC and I know how agonizing, terrifying and emotionally draining it truly is. I know the pain of losing a much wanted child. I know how it feels to want to be a mom so much that it consumes your everything. I know you think I forgot because, maybe to you, my problems should be solved, I have a kid. They're not. I still have the hope (a very small hope) that someday - maybe we'll go back to try again. Someday maybe we'll miraculously conceive a child. I don't know if it's important enough to me to put my marriage back into a living hell or to make Jacob feel as if he's not enough for me. Nothing is worth that.
I have to ask this though. Are you really ready to have a child? Are you ready to go to a party, wearing a brand new shirt, and have your child get hurt and bleed all over you as soon as you get there? Are you ready to have everyone stare at you in the grocery store like you're the worst mother ever while your child screams because he can't have gum? Are you ready to give up vacations, new clothes, or new shoes because you have hospital bills to pay for the tubes so your kid can hear? Are you ready to argue with your parents or in-laws because they don't agree with your way of raising your child? Are you ready to argue with your husband about every other aspect of raising this child? Are you ready for your marriage as it is right now to change completely? I could give you a hundred questions but the answer is still the same. No. Is there anything in this world that is bad enough to make me not want or love my child? No, there isn't! Not one. Is there anything that would make me want to give him back? No way!!
I know you think having a child will make your lives complete. I know they're cute and cuddly, and I know it seems like everyone is having one or has one and some even have two. I know how unfair it is because you don't. I'm just curious if you've given the other side much thought? I know I didn't. I'm not saying you shouldn't want a child with all of your hearts. I'm not saying you don't deserve a child. I'm not saying that you don't have reason to hurt the way you hurt. I just want you to think about the changes you're going to face and get as ready as you can for them. I really want you to think about your state of mind and where you are emotionally at this point. Do you really want to conceive your child in the nasty, 'I'm pissed off at everything' shit attitude or bring your beautiful, new baby to the home where you keep picking at your old scars?
Think about it. Once the time has passed, you can't replace it. You can't cover those ugly memories with better ones.
** I'm not upset, please don't think so. I hate to see TTC doing this to people. I want you to look at the better things and cherish them. I want you to be the people I know you are and not these sad, hurt people. I want you to look at what's here, what's now and make the best of that before getting so discouraged over something that's not here yet. Fix the now, the later will come soon enough.
I feel a little guilty, a little out of place, celebrating Mother's Day too. I know that I am a mom, and I deserve it and all that crap you're going to tell me but, sometimes...my failures sneak in too. I wait for the day when Jacob tells me I'm not his real mom. Not to mention, after listening to Edna complain because her children didn't do anything for her for mother's day (I sent a card from us, one from Jacob and I called. I don't know what the other 4 did - I didn't ask!), after all she's done for them, doesn't help. We all like to be reminded of what horrible children we are. Don't we?
I keep telling my mother that these things she complains about are the things a mom is supposed to do. She's supposed to drive us everywhere, give us money, buy us clothes and shoes. She's supposed to work hard to give us the things we need, to put food on our table. She's supposed to pay the doctors, the dentists, and the parochial schools. She's supposed to let her teeth fall out and fix ours. She's supposed to put off her new winter coat for one more year because her kid needs new boots. She's supposed to stay up all night with a sick child and go to work the next morning because she can't afford to lose a days pay. She's supposed to run us back and forth from college, pick us up in the middle of the night when we're scared. She's supposed to come to school plays, sports, and Christmas programs. She wants a reward for these things. Things she's supposed to do. Wasn't I reward enough? Did I ask to be born?
I know, too well, the ups, the downs, of TTC and I know how agonizing, terrifying and emotionally draining it truly is. I know the pain of losing a much wanted child. I know how it feels to want to be a mom so much that it consumes your everything. I know you think I forgot because, maybe to you, my problems should be solved, I have a kid. They're not. I still have the hope (a very small hope) that someday - maybe we'll go back to try again. Someday maybe we'll miraculously conceive a child. I don't know if it's important enough to me to put my marriage back into a living hell or to make Jacob feel as if he's not enough for me. Nothing is worth that.
I have to ask this though. Are you really ready to have a child? Are you ready to go to a party, wearing a brand new shirt, and have your child get hurt and bleed all over you as soon as you get there? Are you ready to have everyone stare at you in the grocery store like you're the worst mother ever while your child screams because he can't have gum? Are you ready to give up vacations, new clothes, or new shoes because you have hospital bills to pay for the tubes so your kid can hear? Are you ready to argue with your parents or in-laws because they don't agree with your way of raising your child? Are you ready to argue with your husband about every other aspect of raising this child? Are you ready for your marriage as it is right now to change completely? I could give you a hundred questions but the answer is still the same. No. Is there anything in this world that is bad enough to make me not want or love my child? No, there isn't! Not one. Is there anything that would make me want to give him back? No way!!
I know you think having a child will make your lives complete. I know they're cute and cuddly, and I know it seems like everyone is having one or has one and some even have two. I know how unfair it is because you don't. I'm just curious if you've given the other side much thought? I know I didn't. I'm not saying you shouldn't want a child with all of your hearts. I'm not saying you don't deserve a child. I'm not saying that you don't have reason to hurt the way you hurt. I just want you to think about the changes you're going to face and get as ready as you can for them. I really want you to think about your state of mind and where you are emotionally at this point. Do you really want to conceive your child in the nasty, 'I'm pissed off at everything' shit attitude or bring your beautiful, new baby to the home where you keep picking at your old scars?
Think about it. Once the time has passed, you can't replace it. You can't cover those ugly memories with better ones.
** I'm not upset, please don't think so. I hate to see TTC doing this to people. I want you to look at the better things and cherish them. I want you to be the people I know you are and not these sad, hurt people. I want you to look at what's here, what's now and make the best of that before getting so discouraged over something that's not here yet. Fix the now, the later will come soon enough.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy Mother's Day!
Happy Mother's Day Moms, Grandmas, Great-Grandmas! I'm sorry we won't see you today but, we do hope you have a wonderful day, though it's raining here. We also hope you received our wishes in the mail. We love you!
Jeremy has a long shift today and won't be here with us for the day but, I did get a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, 2 Lemon Zest petunia hanging baskets (I had a BOGO coupon and I LOVE lemon - anything!), and a card that my little boy picked out all by himself - twice.
Hope all of you Moms have a great day too!
Jeremy has a long shift today and won't be here with us for the day but, I did get a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, 2 Lemon Zest petunia hanging baskets (I had a BOGO coupon and I LOVE lemon - anything!), and a card that my little boy picked out all by himself - twice.
Hope all of you Moms have a great day too!
Friday, May 9, 2008
I'm stuck on # 95!
So, I'm taking a break. Let's see, what's been happening here?
Monday our yard was hydro seeded! We may have grass someday but, why do I get the distinct feeling that we will be purchasing a lot of grass seed in the near future?
Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I read a book - Sleeping with the Enemy, yes from the movie. They were VERY different and I liked the movie better. I'm getting back into reading again and, I have been reading some strange things. Like Janette Oke's Love Comes Softly series and Tim Allen's Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man - it's kinda dumb but, I was very curious about his prison time and how he got started in comedy - plus I think he's not bad to look at either. I have a stack of books in my den to read, like Dedication (a Christmas gift from my friend Ember that I'm saving for a time when I can sit with a fresh cup of coffee and a warm blanket), The Lovely Bones, and Let Me Call You Sweetheart. I have to read those so I can start reading my new obsession, Harlan Coben - who BTW is totally out of the norm for my reading style and I really, really, really want to start reading his books!
Thursday night, Jacob and I went to the library to check out Certain Girls the sequel to Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner - who is my FAVORITE! - Thanks Ember! I have this on a 14 day checkout and I have sooo much to do in the next 2 weeks! Anther book I picked up is The Shell Seekers, my mother-in-law and I were talking about the movie that was on last week, and she said she really enjoyed the book, it was one of her favorites, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
Then, Angie the carpet lady came over to measure our upstairs hallway and 2 bedrooms for new carpet. Thankfully, I agreed to have her come to remeasure - saved us another $400! Except, neither of us wrote down the color for the carpet and I have to go back Saturday morning and pick my colors again. I'm actually a little happy about that as I want to do a darker now.
Later, after Jacob went to bed, Jeremy and I did the first coat of paint in Jacob's new bedroom until after midnight. I have to get this room painted so they can carpet! Anyway - here's part of it with one coat. I'll probably start the second coat tonight. I still have to order the border but I can't decide on vintage signs or hot rod trucks (feel free to let me know what you think). I'm leaning toward hot rod trucks as the colors in vintage signs are great - they're a little trendier than what I'd like to be.
We have to move all of the furniture from this room, the hall, and my guest room into our bedroom and Jacob's bedroom so they can do the carpet. I have to repaint the trim on the landing where I yanked of the 1/4 round last night, so they can carpet that too!
I have a secret project going on too and we'll talk about that more next week! Shh!
Monday our yard was hydro seeded! We may have grass someday but, why do I get the distinct feeling that we will be purchasing a lot of grass seed in the near future?
Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I read a book - Sleeping with the Enemy, yes from the movie. They were VERY different and I liked the movie better. I'm getting back into reading again and, I have been reading some strange things. Like Janette Oke's Love Comes Softly series and Tim Allen's Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man - it's kinda dumb but, I was very curious about his prison time and how he got started in comedy - plus I think he's not bad to look at either. I have a stack of books in my den to read, like Dedication (a Christmas gift from my friend Ember that I'm saving for a time when I can sit with a fresh cup of coffee and a warm blanket), The Lovely Bones, and Let Me Call You Sweetheart. I have to read those so I can start reading my new obsession, Harlan Coben - who BTW is totally out of the norm for my reading style and I really, really, really want to start reading his books!
Thursday night, Jacob and I went to the library to check out Certain Girls the sequel to Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner - who is my FAVORITE! - Thanks Ember! I have this on a 14 day checkout and I have sooo much to do in the next 2 weeks! Anther book I picked up is The Shell Seekers, my mother-in-law and I were talking about the movie that was on last week, and she said she really enjoyed the book, it was one of her favorites, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
Then, Angie the carpet lady came over to measure our upstairs hallway and 2 bedrooms for new carpet. Thankfully, I agreed to have her come to remeasure - saved us another $400! Except, neither of us wrote down the color for the carpet and I have to go back Saturday morning and pick my colors again. I'm actually a little happy about that as I want to do a darker now.
Later, after Jacob went to bed, Jeremy and I did the first coat of paint in Jacob's new bedroom until after midnight. I have to get this room painted so they can carpet! Anyway - here's part of it with one coat. I'll probably start the second coat tonight. I still have to order the border but I can't decide on vintage signs or hot rod trucks (feel free to let me know what you think). I'm leaning toward hot rod trucks as the colors in vintage signs are great - they're a little trendier than what I'd like to be.
We have to move all of the furniture from this room, the hall, and my guest room into our bedroom and Jacob's bedroom so they can do the carpet. I have to repaint the trim on the landing where I yanked of the 1/4 round last night, so they can carpet that too!I have a secret project going on too and we'll talk about that more next week! Shh!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
51 - 75 for My Bucket
Man - this is getting harder!
51. Go to a Denver Broncos game in Denver, CO.
52. Create a seating/TV area in my bedroom.
53.Finish Jacob's new room.
54.Turn Jacob's nursery into a home office.
55. Have Lasik surgery.
56. Take better and more photos.
57. Do my best to give Jacob a relationship with his birth family.
58. Ride the three wheel bikes at Haystack Rock, again.
59. Give more of my time or things to those with less.
60. Learn to knit.
61. Save a life.
62. Open my home to a pregnant girl who needs one.
63. Visit Grandma and Grandpa Harper - one more time.
64. Watch less television.
65. Keep better in touch with friends far away.
66. Volunteer for Thanksgiving dinner at a local shelter and provide some or all of the meal.
67. Give Christmas to family in need rather than ourselves.
68. Host a family function with ALL of my siblings and ALL of their families in attendance.
69. Learn to ride a motorcycle.
70. Visit the old, classic, major league ballparks (Fenway, Wrigley, etc.)
71. Warmly accept Jacob's significant other and embrace him/her as they are.
72. Smile proudly at Jacob's college graduation.
73.Learn my cousins on my father's side and who they belong to.
74. Copy and share all of the photos of my parents that are scatted between the 5 of us.
75. See my nieces and nephews start their own families.
51. Go to a Denver Broncos game in Denver, CO.
52. Create a seating/TV area in my bedroom.
53.
54.
55. Have Lasik surgery.
56. Take better and more photos.
57. Do my best to give Jacob a relationship with his birth family.
58. Ride the three wheel bikes at Haystack Rock, again.
59. Give more of my time or things to those with less.
60. Learn to knit.
61. Save a life.
62. Open my home to a pregnant girl who needs one.
63. Visit Grandma and Grandpa Harper - one more time.
64. Watch less television.
65. Keep better in touch with friends far away.
66. Volunteer for Thanksgiving dinner at a local shelter and provide some or all of the meal.
67. Give Christmas to family in need rather than ourselves.
68. Host a family function with ALL of my siblings and ALL of their families in attendance.
69. Learn to ride a motorcycle.
70. Visit the old, classic, major league ballparks (Fenway, Wrigley, etc.)
71. Warmly accept Jacob's significant other and embrace him/her as they are.
72. Smile proudly at Jacob's college graduation.
73.
74. Copy and share all of the photos of my parents that are scatted between the 5 of us.
75. See my nieces and nephews start their own families.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
26 - 50 for My Bucket
26. Fish the Clam River like my dad did.
27. Make pie crust/apple squares with my mom.
28. Camp out in the backyard on summer weekends.
29. Go camping by Traverse City.
30. Get a real dog.
31. Make my own dill pickles.
32. Make Christmas cookies with Jacob and Natalie.
33. See my nephew Chris, in his formal police dress uniform.
34. Bookmark the stories in the bible and read them.
35. Learn to pray and leave it to God.
36. Hear my mom sing in our church one more time.
37. Watch for deer on Becker Rd. (something we did with my dad).
38. Catch fresh perch and have a fish fry.
39. Learn to golf.
40. Learn to play cribbage.
41. Mail birthday cards to family and friends - every year!
42. Find patience.
43. Visit Grandma Wilda's grave.
44. Play catch with Jeremy and Jacob.
45. Build a new garage in a different location.
46. Build a deck between the new garage and the house.
47. Eat ribs in St. Louis.
48. Take a paddle boat ride on the Mississippi River.
49. Own the entire DVD set of Third Watch.
50. Watch all of the movies in our Netflix queue.
27. Make pie crust/apple squares with my mom.
28. Camp out in the backyard on summer weekends.
29. Go camping by Traverse City.
30. Get a real dog.
31. Make my own dill pickles.
32. Make Christmas cookies with Jacob and Natalie.
33. See my nephew Chris, in his formal police dress uniform.
34. Bookmark the stories in the bible and read them.
35. Learn to pray and leave it to God.
36. Hear my mom sing in our church one more time.
37. Watch for deer on Becker Rd. (something we did with my dad).
38. Catch fresh perch and have a fish fry.
39. Learn to golf.
40. Learn to play cribbage.
41. Mail birthday cards to family and friends - every year!
42. Find patience.
43. Visit Grandma Wilda's grave.
44. Play catch with Jeremy and Jacob.
45. Build a new garage in a different location.
46. Build a deck between the new garage and the house.
47. Eat ribs in St. Louis.
48. Take a paddle boat ride on the Mississippi River.
49. Own the entire DVD set of Third Watch.
50. Watch all of the movies in our Netflix queue.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I'm calling mine A Bucket List
I know some people who have done this under a different title and while reading their lists, of course I couldn't help but make my own. It kinda falls a little bit into my self-evaluation mode, I love the bucket analogy, and I think lists are the cats pajamas. So, for the next few posts, I'll be listing the things I want to have in my bucket when I go to meet my maker. I'll give them to you in installments of 25 at a time and they are in no particular order. I hope you too, feel inspired to create your own list and if you'd like to share your list - I would love to read your 100 Things to Do Before You Go.
- To raise my son to be a good man.
- To be a better grandmother than I had, than Edna is.
- Plant and maintain a beautiful flower garden around my home.
- Learn how to can fresh fruits and vegetables.
- Have sit down meals together, as a family.
- Watch our St. Louis Cardinals claim another World Series Championship, in person.
- Attend a service, in the church where my parents were married.
- Eat a fresh lobster, on the East Coast.
Have a pool in our backyard.- Rent a cottage on Lake Missaukee for a week with my brother's family.
- Cook with more fresh vegetables.
- Vacation to Washington D.C. and make a scratch of my Uncle Dan's name on The Wall.
- Return to Oregon to see Emily and meet her son, Charlie.
- Return to Cable Beach in the Bahamas, where we were married.
- Be a really good friend and not repeat past mistakes.
- Redo my whole kitchen!
- Find a church I like, and attend - regularly.
- Vacation to Alaska.
- Visit the Holocaust Museum.
- Read more books.
- See a Broadway show.
Recycle.- Learn to speak Spanish.
- Go charter boat fishing for coho salmon in Manistee with Jeremy and JJ.
- Finish a quilt.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Jacob's first baseball game
We took Jacob to his first baseball game today. We went to see the West Michigan Whitecaps (Class A team for the Detroit Tigers) play the Quad Cities River Bandits (Class A team for our St. Louis Cardinals).
Jacob actually watched about 2 innings.
Jacob actually watched about 2 innings.
The rest of the time he wanted to go up and down the stairs or run on the concourse.
We left in the bottom of the fourth inning. Jacob wouldn't sit any longer. Good thing though, as it started to rain on the way home.
We did have a lot of fun. We saw potentially future Cardinals play some ball. The players threw out T-shirts and Momma even caught one. I'm glad we chose to do this rather than leave a Cardinals game in the fourth inning. The ballpark was great! Inexpensive, family friendly, and a lot closer than St. Louis!
The River Bandits did win 5-3.
Friday, May 2, 2008
On bathing cats...
Have you ever given a cat a bath? The last time, the cat bit my thumb and broke the skin. I called the Dr. office after it had swollen to twice normal size in about a half an hour. The receptionist asked me how quickly I could get there, and the Dr. was waiting for me at the door. He cleaned the wound and gave me an antibiotic on the spot and called in a prescription to be filled immediately. We don't have that cat anymore but, did you know a cat's mouth is that dirty?
So - last night, previous experience aside, I decided our cats needed baths. Brady (named after Michigan QB at the time, Tom Brady) is about 6 years old, and maybe 19 lbs. He's huge. He's gray and white short hair with a smudge on his nose. Brady is my cat. I was scratching his back and noticed some old flea dirt, some flaking skin, and a lot of loose hair. It's been about 5 years since the time Brady had a bath! Jeremy and I decided to make it a tag team effort - thankfully! Poor Brady he yowled, and he yowled. He was so loud, and making noises I have never, ever heard from a cat - at one point I even looked over my shoulder, thinking there was a child hollering behind me and being in the bathtub, it echoed. I held Brady down in the bathtub and Jeremy got him wet, shampooed, and rinsed him. Brady hollered the whole time. It took all I had to hold him. You would have thought we were killing that cat. I was afraid he was going to wake Jacob! Once we got him out and in a towel, he quieted down but, we didn't see much of Brady the rest of the night.
Woody, (named after then St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Woody Williams) is about 4 years old and 15 lbs. He's an orange tabby, with a face like a lion. Woody is Jeremy's cat and an inbreed from my sister's farm. He has no hair on his ears, or by his nose, very little hair on his tail AND he sheds like crazy! So we're ready to wash him - he hasn't had a bath since he came to us! Anyway, we can't find him! We searched our whole house (which is huge), no Woody, anywhere. We searched the basement, under all the beds, in the closets, under the furniture, still no Woody. Jeremy chased him into the house earlier, so I knew he was in. We couldn't find him. Jeremy finally went outside and looked again. Jeremy didn't see where Woody came from but he was sitting on the back porch when Jeremy had given up and came in. Okay, so, I thought the cat was in (we don't let him out, he sneaks). Jeremy scooped him up, took him upstairs, and washed him. Jeremy said Woody made about 5 yowls and was done - I never heard a thing. We didn't see Woody the rest of the night either.
We finished up a some laundry and went up to go to bed. I wanted to take a shower - I felt like I was covered in wet cat hair, I walked into the bathroom and I smelled it. Woody was pretty quiet for his bath but he had peed in the bathtub! 11:30 PM and there I am, with the antibacterial scrubbing bubbles, cleaning my tub. Thanks cat.
Although both cats looked shiny, clean, and fluffy this morning, I think the damn cats can stay dirty!
So - last night, previous experience aside, I decided our cats needed baths. Brady (named after Michigan QB at the time, Tom Brady) is about 6 years old, and maybe 19 lbs. He's huge. He's gray and white short hair with a smudge on his nose. Brady is my cat. I was scratching his back and noticed some old flea dirt, some flaking skin, and a lot of loose hair. It's been about 5 years since the time Brady had a bath! Jeremy and I decided to make it a tag team effort - thankfully! Poor Brady he yowled, and he yowled. He was so loud, and making noises I have never, ever heard from a cat - at one point I even looked over my shoulder, thinking there was a child hollering behind me and being in the bathtub, it echoed. I held Brady down in the bathtub and Jeremy got him wet, shampooed, and rinsed him. Brady hollered the whole time. It took all I had to hold him. You would have thought we were killing that cat. I was afraid he was going to wake Jacob! Once we got him out and in a towel, he quieted down but, we didn't see much of Brady the rest of the night.
Woody, (named after then St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Woody Williams) is about 4 years old and 15 lbs. He's an orange tabby, with a face like a lion. Woody is Jeremy's cat and an inbreed from my sister's farm. He has no hair on his ears, or by his nose, very little hair on his tail AND he sheds like crazy! So we're ready to wash him - he hasn't had a bath since he came to us! Anyway, we can't find him! We searched our whole house (which is huge), no Woody, anywhere. We searched the basement, under all the beds, in the closets, under the furniture, still no Woody. Jeremy chased him into the house earlier, so I knew he was in. We couldn't find him. Jeremy finally went outside and looked again. Jeremy didn't see where Woody came from but he was sitting on the back porch when Jeremy had given up and came in. Okay, so, I thought the cat was in (we don't let him out, he sneaks). Jeremy scooped him up, took him upstairs, and washed him. Jeremy said Woody made about 5 yowls and was done - I never heard a thing. We didn't see Woody the rest of the night either.
We finished up a some laundry and went up to go to bed. I wanted to take a shower - I felt like I was covered in wet cat hair, I walked into the bathroom and I smelled it. Woody was pretty quiet for his bath but he had peed in the bathtub! 11:30 PM and there I am, with the antibacterial scrubbing bubbles, cleaning my tub. Thanks cat.
Although both cats looked shiny, clean, and fluffy this morning, I think the damn cats can stay dirty!
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