When I left Manistee (almost 11 years ago), I thought it was one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Leaving my boyfriend, the dish I had on the side, my friends, my whole familiar world, behind. I went home almost every weekend. I'd see the boyfriend every weekend. Sometimes he'd make the drive down to see me - he was the manly, farm hand type, couldn't be away - and certainly not to the city. I always, always missed home. As I moved into my own apartment the visits home became fewer. They lessened even more when I met Jeremy and more again with Jacob's arrival. Little by little, my home was becoming less homey. I realized this weekend how much it had changed. I realized I wasn't the same person from 11 years ago. I realized my home isn't there anymore.
We went out to the apple and cherry orchards where boyfriend referenced above and I would go to look for morel mushrooms and deer. I loved riding in his truck, sitting in the middle seat right next to him, where he'd hold my knee a little tighter down the hill or around a curve. He was a foreman for the orchard and had to do field checks on weekends. We'd pick cherries and apples while we were out there. We'd watch fireworks on the fourth and we would do...stuff. The orchards have been sold now to make room for the casino. He doesn't work there anymore. Most of the trees have been bulldozed, the fields left with limbs and stumps. It was so sad. It actually hurt my heart a little to see it that way, knowing the hours, the sweat, and the pride he had put into it. It's been over 7 years since I had been up there. I guess, in some ways, I had hoped the orchards would stay the same and hold on to my memories for me. As we drove out onto the main road, I heard, in my head the tune to Strawberry Wine. How cheesy!?! It was his favorite song.
John and I were together for 6 1/2 years. It's been almost 7 years since I've seen him and over 2 years since I last talked to him. Yet, I still had such guilt. Guilt for all the times I lied, and moreover all the times I cheated. I had told Jeremy for some time that I didn't like the way I was then and how I had walked away from that relationship all those years ago. I still felt like I had things left to say. Mostly apologies. I still missed John at times and I had been looking for a way to cleanse myself of that guilt. I knew in my twisted little mind that he had spent all of his time since I got married, sitting and pining for me! He just had to - even after all the things I had done. I had thought of writing him a letter full of apologies and just burn it rather than mail it but, after we left the orchard, all of my guilt was gone. So, in addition to Jacob's mittens, I left a lot of baggage behind this weekend. Or maybe I just returned it to where it belonged. It was good to come home. To my home. The home I share with my husband and my child. That's what I call home!
Though I never know exactly where to think of as "home," I still understand how you feel, I think, in this post. When I go back to Houghton, so much has changed, and it makes me sad. Same with Earlville. And both places are filled with coming-of-age memories of boyfriends past, etc. It's so weird when it all finally hits you...that that's NOT home anymore...it is a bittersweet thing. I am glad you've been able to write a little about John here. Letting go and saying good-bye...it's amazing how much writing about these thoughts and feelings helps make peace with everything and finally let go of that guilt (ugh, the guilt...so been there). I like reading your thoughts. :)
ReplyDeleteWow can I relate to this post on so many levels. I feel the same way when I go back to Earlville and the neighboring town, which wasn't my home, but was the home of my ex-boyfriend. It has been almost 5 years since we broke-up, since we last spoke, since I met Collin. And eventhough I know he was not deserving of me waiting, wondering if he'd work things out, a part of me still feels guilty for moving on so quickly. And holy cow, I guess until this moment I didn't even realize that it was guilt that I was feeling. I knew it was something that I couldn't let go of, but I don't think I really knew what the emotion was. Thank you so much for this post. It is so beautiful and poignant. And thank you for letting me spill my guts in your comments! So happy you have been able to let go of your guilt. :)
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