It's not home...anymore

When I left Manistee (almost 11 years ago), I thought it was one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Leaving my boyfriend, the dish I had on the side, my friends, my whole familiar world, behind. I went home almost every weekend. I'd see the boyfriend every weekend. Sometimes he'd make the drive down to see me - he was the manly, farm hand type, couldn't be away - and certainly not to the city. I always, always missed home. As I moved into my own apartment the visits home became fewer. They lessened even more when I met Jeremy and more again with Jacob's arrival. Little by little, my home was becoming less homey. I realized this weekend how much it had changed. I realized I wasn't the same person from 11 years ago. I realized my home isn't there anymore.

We went out to the apple and cherry orchards where boyfriend referenced above and I would go to look for morel mushrooms and deer. I loved riding in his truck, sitting in the middle seat right next to him, where he'd hold my knee a little tighter down the hill or around a curve. He was a foreman for the orchard and had to do field checks on weekends. We'd pick cherries and apples while we were out there. We'd watch fireworks on the fourth and we would do...stuff. The orchards have been sold now to make room for the casino. He doesn't work there anymore. Most of the trees have been bulldozed, the fields left with limbs and stumps. It was so sad. It actually hurt my heart a little to see it that way, knowing the hours, the sweat, and the pride he had put into it. It's been over 7 years since I had been up there. I guess, in some ways, I had hoped the orchards would stay the same and hold on to my memories for me. As we drove out onto the main road, I heard, in my head the tune to Strawberry Wine. How cheesy!?! It was his favorite song.

John and I were together for 6 1/2 years. It's been almost 7 years since I've seen him and over 2 years since I last talked to him. Yet, I still had such guilt. Guilt for all the times I lied, and moreover all the times I cheated. I had told Jeremy for some time that I didn't like the way I was then and how I had walked away from that relationship all those years ago. I still felt like I had things left to say. Mostly apologies. I still missed John at times and I had been looking for a way to cleanse myself of that guilt. I knew in my twisted little mind that he had spent all of his time since I got married, sitting and pining for me! He just had to - even after all the things I had done. I had thought of writing him a letter full of apologies and just burn it rather than mail it but, after we left the orchard, all of my guilt was gone. So, in addition to Jacob's mittens, I left a lot of baggage behind this weekend. Or maybe I just returned it to where it belonged. It was good to come home. To my home. The home I share with my husband and my child. That's what I call home!

Post-Op Checkup

Jacob had his post-op check up last Thursday.

He passed his hearing test. His ears are clean. No fluid. No earplugs needed for swimming unless he goes 6 feet under. Here's a prescription for more drops - just in case. We'll see you in six months for a recheck.

We also added some new words to our vocabulary! Maggie (my friend's dog) and Ow!

UGH!

Jeremy is coming off of a round of closing shifts. Tonight is the last. Holy Crap! I woke at 5:50 AM to him snoring so freaking loud! I looked over and he's sleeping on his stomach, can't tell him to roll over. I know I kicked him at least once and I'm sure I hit him too. We rent this stupid sleep apnea machine to help...funny thing...you have to wear it for it to work! I realized I was in a losing situation, so I got up, showered and left.

The trees are GONE! They came in yesterday and finished - kind of. They have to come back to grind out the stump in the back. I'm now praying for some heavy rain to wash off my driveway, my sidewalks, and maybe level out some of the mud!

I don't think I had said this out here but Jeremy was officially diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) last week. He completed the testing about a week or so ago. At this point he and the psychologist are looking to treat it with behavior modification and monthly therapy sessions, with medication as a last resort. I believe we all have some form of ADD, and we all deal with it in different ways. I write lists. I hope Jeremy can find his way to deal with his and I hope I can find a way to deal with him!

I'm thinking of going back to the brain poker . I went before my parents divorce, I went again after Jeremy and I got married, and we both went around the time Jacob was born. In some ways, it's nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't say much - it also gets a little annoying because they don't say much. I just feel like I want to dump everything from the past year (maybe two) into someone else's lap, let them sort it all out and give it back to me when it's fixed or tell me what I need to do to be able to accept it. I wish it worked that way. I get tired of thinking but, I am starting to feel better. I want to turn over a new leaf. I'm trying to put away the last bit of bitterness and resentment regarding the whole infertility thing and start fresh. I know it's not healthy to hang on to that last bit of jealousy. Sometimes, I'm not sure I can let it go on my own. It's so much easier to hate and be mean.

Speaking of mean, I called Edna (my mother) last night. I wanted to arrange something to see her while we're in town and now I wonder why I bothered. "What are you coming home now, for?", "You're staying in the hotel the whole weekend?", "What are you going to do here?". I asked if she would like to meet us for breakfast Saturday morning. "Where? There isn't any thing good here anymore." Then proceeded to list every smoking permitted establishment in town (she doesn't smoke) where I can take my 2 year old for breakfast. Including the local bars. DUH! I don't know the last time she saw Jacob. I don't even remember the last time I was home. In some ways, I thought she'd sound happy to see us, happy to see Jacob - I know she will be when we get there...for about an hour. The last time, we had to leave so she could go to the laundromat.

Jacob's post-op checkup is today at 2:30. We have another hearing test and the test to measure the pressure in his ears.

We leave tomorrow after lunch. Thanks for the well wishes and hopefully I can get some good shots of Lake Michigan to share when we come back. Hopefully, she still has her healing powers for me. I can't wait to smell the beach air and see the rolling whitecaps! Oh, and Em...I'll think of you while I'm enjoying my Big Al's!

Stinkin' Snow...

It's holding up progress on the pit! The tree in the back is almost done. They took all the limbs over the house, over the garage, and over the driveway. They can't come back until the snow is gone. The landscaper can't come until the snow is gone. The surveyor can't come until the snow is gone. Dumb snow!

Jacob has another appointment with Early On tomorrow. We'll see what they say. He has added a few words to his vocabulary. Cow, police, and yum. Best thing though...he's still calling me "Ma!"

Jacob also has his post-op check with the ENT on Thursday. I haven't noticed any drainage. I have noticed he doesn't touch, itch, or pull on his ears as much as before.

Momma and Da are catching colds. Jacob is getting over one.

I started packing and planning our visit to Manistee. My suitcase is packed! There is so much I want to do and see but, so little time. Murray is camping out at Uncle Butch's for a few days. Daisy and Brooke will wear him out! I had thought about cancelling our trip due to gas prices and the colds we have but, I really am looking forward to some time away from our ugly yard. Stinkin' snow!

Happy Easter!!

As you can see the Easter Bunny made it here through all the snow. I think we got about a foot of snow on Friday.

Jacob emptied his Easter baskets and went straight to his box of Matchbox/Hot Wheels and started racing them under my living room furniture. It's great to be 2!

We're heading to my brother's for dinner this afternoon!

Have a blessed Easter!

I have been so busy!

I have been so busy lately, I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt!

Essentially, I am working 2 jobs. My regular job and the new job that I didn't get from the interview awhile ago as there isn't anyone to do it. No, there wasn't a pay increase either. Though it is supposed to just be temporary, we'll see. It hasn't been an easy couple of weeks but, don't get me wrong. I do enjoy the chaos a little bit. Makes the time go by faster.

I know I haven't been myself lately. Since the miscarriage post, I've been doing a little searching within. I did find that I had some things left to deal with. Some things I never addressed to myself. Some things that I have allowed to consume me. Things that I don't like about me. A lot of anger. I'm not happy with some of the choices I have made for myself and my family. I want it to be different, I want it to be better. I want to spend more quality time with my husband and my child. I have some other relationships that I would like to improve and I've just been sorting through it.

Jeremy's friend Dave came for dinner last night. They went to high school together but, I hadn't met him before. He was a very nice guy. Aw, shucks - he brought me flowers! I am very happy Jeremy is getting in touch with his old friends. I know he feels he has so little time at home with us, so when he does have free time, he wants to be with us and as much as I do appreciate the thought, he needs time to be Jeremy, not husband, father, and manager. I hope getting back in touch with these guys helps him get that time.

The tree guys showed up today! Yeah, it's Thursday, not Tuesday. They started in the back. We'll see what they finished when I get home! Now that it's spring, I'm looking forward to getting our yard back, playing outside, grass, flowers and so many things.

Jeremy and I have the day off together tomorrow - unplanned! It doesn't happen often. I'm looking forward to some quality family time. Hopefully the weather cooperates. I heard snow on the news last night!

Garbage Truck, who knew?

Yesterday, Jacob lined up about 6 or 7 of his Matchbox/Hot Wheels, bumper to bumper in the den. He'd pick up each one, "Hi!" and put it back in line. He also got a new garbage truck, to keep him busy, although I do appreciate his help, while momma cleaned out the guest bedroom (I still had Christmas wrappings out). He drove that trash truck all over the house making his little car noise. Had I known he had such an attachment to garbage trucks, I'd have given it to him a month ago.

He's still not talking much but, I am always amazed at what he knows. He knows his body parts, arms, legs, fingers and toes. He knows spoon, fork, plate, and cup. I have to thank Elaine for that stuff, I know it's not us. I had put all of his cars away at one point yesterday, I asked him where his bulldozer was, he ran into the den and came back with the bulldozer. Most of his books, if you ask him, "where's the ____?", he'll point to it. He just won't say it. I was talking to my friend Jeannie and she suggested that he's probably starting over. Meaning, he's spent 2 years learning to speak underwater, it's going to take some time for him to learn to speak without the fluid. I'm sure it's true. Early On comes again next week. We'll see what they say we can do to help him.

I have 2 busy weeks ahead. Jeremy has a friend from high school coming for dinner Wednesday night. My house is trashed. I'm catching a cold. We're spending Easter with Uncle Butch, Aunt Jen, and Brooke this year. I'm looking forward to going to their house to see their remodeling projects. We're going to Manistee the next weekend. The hotel has a pool to wear Jacob out. I'm looking forward to seeing friends, my mom, and the beach. We're eating at Big Al's at least twice. I can't wait. But - there's work stuff. I have 2 builds running one right after the other next month and I have to bring it all together. On that note, I better get started!

I just don't get it!

Contractors.

We hired this guy to cut down trees. They came on Wednesday, got there sometime after 10AM cut down 1 of the 2 trees, most of which is still lying in the front yard and they were gone before I got home at 4:45. They were a no show yesterday. It was a little windy, I understand if they couldn't start the other tree but, they could have picked up the rest of the one in my front yard! So far, they are a no show again today.

Update: They did finally call today. Apparently there was a miscommunication between the work crew and the office. He thought she called us/She thought he called us...so nobody called us. It was too windy yesterday to cut and I guess there wasn't enough wood in what was left for them to haul away. They didn't come today as they were a man short. They'll be back on Tuesday. Although, I'm not quite sure what's wrong with Monday.

Tree guy #2. We wanted him for an estimate. He said he'd drop the estimate off at the house. Never did.

The chimney guy from a few months ago. He was really nice on the phone. Called me back to set up the appointment. Never showed up.

Landscapers. I called 3 of them. #1 - I left a message, haven't heard anything back from them. #2 - returned my 1st call, not my second. #3 - informed me that it was impossible to thaw dirt. No shit moron!

Our economy is in the toilet. The unemployment rate is rising. The amount of foreclosures is off the map. We're trying to a hire someone or have hired someone to do a job and they don't even have the decency to show up. Go figure!

Bye trees!

Finally, finally, finally. The tree guys came and they're cutting down the giant, ugly, dirty, saggy, sappy, needle dropping, full of bees, pine tree in our front yard today. They're also cutting down a big maple tree on the edge of our driveway as it has a lot of dead limbs that fall onto the garage and driveway. It's rotting and if it falls, it will likely be into our bedroom. Our house is at least 3 stories and both of these trees are at least another 1 to 2 stories higher than the house. It's the first step in repairing our front yard. They're taking down the trees, hauling all of the wood and grinding away both of the stumps. We'll haul in at least 10 yards of rich black dirt and hopefully start new grass this spring. I'm a little nervous to go home though...I might not recognize my house without those trees.

Our retired neighbor (who is glad to see that pine go) is out sitting in his truck at the end of his driveway, watching the show. I had Jeremy go out to assure him that we will fix any damage to his yard and of course, Jacob is resisting his nap. I'm sure once school is out we'll have a bigger audience. I kinda wish I was there to watch too...

I don't tell this story often...

I emailed with a good friend of mine today. She brought some things to the front of my mind that I hadn't thought about in a long time. There's a lot of TMI type stuff here and I understand if you want to surf right on past...

(Added note: I realized, after a friend IM'd me, how sad this sounded. I'm not sad today. I'm not sad about my journey. Please, don't feel bad for me. I thought a friend of a friend could use what I've been through, to know she is not alone. I hope they both can draw some strength, some hope, and, as much as I hated it said to me...some faith.)

February 1, 2003. The same day of the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster (should have been a clue as to how this was going to go), Jeremy and I had spent the weekend in Manistee and I was due to start my next cycle of birth control. I walked out of the bathroom with the case and said, "Well? Do I start this? Or no?". He said "No, let's have a baby."

We did everything the way you're supposed to. We charted, tracked, stood on our heads, and carried test tubes of tadpoles to the lab for counting. It still didn't happen. I have been poked, given up blood and had rooms full of people looking up my crotch. For what? There were no answers. Still aren't.

My mom, who has 6 children kept telling me to be patient. She said "All your Dad had to do was hang his pants on the post and I was pregnant!" Thanks, Mom...nice image. My sisters, all three of them have 2 kids, kept telling me - oh, it'll happen. I know they all meant well and I love them for trying. You know, if you have given birth to a child...I'm sorry if this sounds mean but, you have no effing clue how I feel. You don't know what it's like to scream at your husband that he doesn't care about this as much as you do and watch him punch the door in his frustration with you. I tried to convince my husband that he couldn't love me because I couldn't give him a child. I kept telling him to find another wife. I'd let him have a divorce. I'd let him have half. I deserved to be alone and he didn't deserve me. Worst of all, was seeing the disappointment in his eyes every month, after month, after month. I finally stopped telling him when I'd get my period and I cried, sitting there on the toilet - alone. I just sat there punishing myself for failing, again.

In February 2005. I was so tired and sick. I hurt everywhere. I knew. I knew I was finally pregnant. I felt miserable for about 2 weeks. I woke up one morning with a whoosh of my insides emptying - almost like I had peed in my bed. I went into the bathroom and I knew it was gone. I saw it. A little red balloon, about the size of my pinky nail, there in the toilet. Hopes, dreams, faith, and wishes all gone with a simple flush. My then friend B had her baby a few days later. I couldn't go to the hospital to see them. I couldn't go to the house when they came home. No babies. Keep them away from me. (I like them now - very much - not enough to have another but, that's a different post!). Thankfully, I was the only one who knew I was pregnant. I didn't tell anyone else. Maybe I knew there was something wrong.

And the people who kept telling me to "have faith". I threw faith out the damn window after the first year and I wanted to throw them with it! Faith. You want me, to have faith, in a God, who gives children, to parents who murder them, beat them, rape them and whatever else. And he won't give one to me. Faith. Thanks, I hadn't thought of having faith.

The people. The people who try so hard to make you feel better and make you just want to slap 'em. I know I am guilty of this myself. I also know that I would have been angry had these people said nothing just as much as I hated what they did say. Lose/Lose situation. You know what's worse though...the people who are pregnant that insist on sharing every detail with you. But you know what's even worse than that...the new Grandma to be! I know you're excited lady, and I don't don't give a shit. I could say things to you, right now that would make a sailor blush -so maybe, just maybe you'd feel as bad as I do. Some days those things were easier to hold back than others.

It's been 5 years.

Many more miscarriages have come and gone. So many, that I don't count anymore. The doctor says to bring them in. I can't bring myself to do it. I don't look at them anymore, I can tell when it happens and I keep them to myself. Call it what you want. We have no answers. We don't have a diagnosis. We don't care. My relationship with Jeremy has grown but, I still don't tell him when we lose a "would be" child. I don't need to. It doesn't matter.

I have a beautiful son. If this infertility journey is what I had to endure to adopt my son...I'd do it a thousand times over. Does it mean my pain is gone? Some people chastise me when I tell them it's not. Does it mean I don't long to carry my biological child? Not at all. I would love nothing more. It means I had to put my pain away. It means Jeremy and I promised never to discuss this - in our home - in front of our child. Jacob is my everything. He's my life. He's the reason I can keep it together. He's the reason I keep going. He deserves the best that I have to give. That's why she gave him to us.

I do have faith...now. I look back and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. This is where my road was taking me. I still don't know what's ahead but I trust it better. I know what it's like to have a child and not be able to have a child. I know what it's like to lose a child - a nameless, faceless child but, in my mind, a much wanted child. I have hated other women for having what I wanted most. It still hurts. Sometimes. I am very lucky. I am very blessed. That's the part I try to hang on to.

How's Jacob?

Every one's asking "How's Jacob?", "Have you noticed any difference?". Our standard answer has been "okay" and "not really". He's been trying to catch a cold since Saturday so I couldn't really say much else. Until now...

I had posted a while ago that he had started calling me momma. He'd also quit calling me momma right after that and wouldn't say an 'H' either. Horsey was "sey", hi was "IIIIII!". This morning, Jacob and Daddy were attempting to go downstairs to let me sleep for just a few more minutes. I was lying there, listening to Jeremy trying to convince Jacob to follow, and then the pitter-patter of little feet came running down the hall, into my bedroom. This little face appears on top of two little hands on the edge of the bed and says "HI Momma!". He said hi - with an H! I scooped him up and gave him the biggest hug I could without squishing him. He stayed with me there for a few minutes with his head on my tummy, then he patted my arm, and said "hi, momma", "nice". He scampered off of the bed and he was gone to find his dad. I lay there a little longer and listened to them go down to start their day, with big crocodile tears in my eyes. My little boy can say an H and he called me Momma! I like being Momma!

I do think the tubes have made a difference and I do see some improvements in Jacob now a few days have passed. His attitude is starting to improve. He's trying to talk more, making more efforts at communication with us. I even think he's comprehending more. We have a follow-up appointment with the ENT and at least one more hearing test. We have exercises from the speech therapists to work on and a long road still ahead with his speech but we are making progress...he called me momma.