I wouldn’t have missed it either...

It’s been a big year - job changes, buying a house, selling a house, moving, navigating unemployment, and of course COVID-19.  Thankfully, thus far we are getting through it.  

We have been so busy, I haven’t taken as good care of my mental/spiritual self as I should.  I haven’t done readings, Reiki, or even meditated in some time.  I’m not good at being vulnerable - or showing that side of myself.  Though it’s been over 6 years now since my mom passed, I’m still terrified of facing her in the psychic/spiritual realm.  And sometimes, I’m afraid of my sibling’s reactions to my memories with our mother.  In some ways, I was lucky - I think by the time I came along, my mom was tired of being a mom and she was different.   Sometimes, I think she treated me more as a pal than a daughter.  Don’t get me wrong, she still got all over my ass but, as I got older and got my shit together, in some ways, she was easier on me - someways not and I never counted on her for anything.

Anyway, I did some mini readings last week and opened myself back up.   And as I knew it would happen...in came my mother. 

Friday night, we went to dinner as a family.  We’re having dinner, and this song - Ronnie Milsap “Wouldn’t have missed it for the World” was on the Muzak.   And oh, the tears fell!

“Our paths may never cross again

Maybe my heart will never mend

But I'm glad for all the good times
Cause you've brought me so much sunshine
And love was the best it's ever been

I wouldn't have missed it for the world
Wouldn't have missed loving you girl
You've made my whole life worth while, with your smile
I wouldn't trade one memory
Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world

They say that all good things must end
Loves comes and goes just like the wind
You've got your dreams to follow
But if I had the chance tomorrow
You know I'd do it all again

Oh I wouldn't trade one memory
Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world

I wouldn't have missed it for the world
Wouldn't have missed loving you girl
You've made my whole life worth while, with your smile
I wouldn't trade one memory
Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world“

This song - 2 things about this song.  One of the last times I saw my mom dance, it was to this song.  2 of my favorite things about my mom, hearing her sing and watching her dance.

The night I saw her dance to this song - she smiled and pointed to me on the line “you brought me so much sunshine”.  My parents both sang to me “You are my Sunshine” when I was a little girl.  

I also remember riding in the car with her - mostly the big old Chevy but, a few times in the Buick - at night, I’d lay my head in her lap when she was driving.  She’d sing along to the radio.  This song was popular then, and at that line, she’d sing this to me and tuck my hair behind my ear.  Every time.  

I miss her. 

Today, I was peeling/slicing apples for apple crisp.  I was watching my hands, which are exactly her hands, remembering how nervous I was watching her do the same.  She sliced using her thumb as the stop and I was always so afraid she’d cut herself.   She laughed at me wincing while she cut/peeled.  

She’s showing me her gentleness, her softness, reminding me of her heart which is my heart and the good parts of us. I’ve tuned her out more often than not since she’s passed.  She’s reminding me that I was her sunshine, that she wouldn’t have missed her time with me for all the world.  And she’s telling me, in the way that I’ll listen.  She knows me  

Thanks mom.  I hear you.  I wouldn’t have missed it for the world either!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xCMB1gYLiIk

The 40 Day Prosperity Plan

I had posted on my social media account that I was on day 16 of this process.  It has been, shall we say 'enlightening'?

I worked in Corporate Automotive for a very long time, which means I made realllllly goooood money.  I had a lot of benefits - 3 weeks vacation, paid time off between Christmas and New Years, paid sick time, the ability to work from home - to come in early or to leave late.  All the perks.  One day, I was called into a conference room and it was all over.  "Sign here, here, and here".  I never thought it would happen to me as I watched my cumulative 23 years of car parts disintegrate before my eyes.

I wasn't happy in that job, and I don't think I truly had been for a very long time.  Most mornings, while driving my 30 minute commute, I was on the phone with my Mr., often in tears, about how much I hated all of the stress of this job.  I hated all of the emails - most from China.  I often started answering email at 4:30/5 AM.  Many mornings, I sat in my car in the parking lot for a good 10 minutes, willing myself to get out of the car and go in the door.  In fact, the end of September, he and I were discussing 'what if I just quit?'.  We went of vacation in October and I did some soul searching.  We decided I'd wait it out for at least some small severance should I be let go.

My brother was also taking an early retirement from the same company and I was struggling with the future of my employment there, without him.  He and I have always been close.  I have always been able to speak my mind, my frustrations, etc. and without him there - 4 digits away - I knew that relationship would never be the same.

All of these things we weighing on me when I was called into that conference room.  I wasn't surprised, shocked, scared...I was relieved.  I didn't cry.  My hand shook as I signed and I was done.

I made 2 calls as I left.  The first to my brother.  The next to my Financial Adviser.  And I drove home to tell my husband.

What happens after your life is rearranged for you?  You move on.

I didn't eat that first day.  I fielded the calls and texts of condolences.  I called my HR rep to thank her for her help and encouragement.  And get this - she pretended not to know me!  Lesson one in counting the people who count!

I tackled the hurdles of unemployment, continuing my life insurance, and applying for my 2 jobs a week with no idea of where to go or what to do, I only knew that whatever job I did take would pay half or 1/3 of what I was making!  Did you hear me?  I said HALF or 1/3 of my old pay!!   Fuck!

I have a lot of skills...however, none of them apparently transfer to any job I applied for as most of them I didn't even rate a "no, thank you".  And I began to wonder ' where am I going to land"  and counting the remaining weeks of unemployment.

I had always said when I left my CorpAm job I wanted to go do something to help people.  Truly help them.  Not in car parts where EVERYTHING is an emergency or I need this NOW.  I want to make someone smile, make their day a little easier, see the gratitude in their eyes - I want THAT job.

A friend reached out and said - why don't you come in here and apply? - So I did.  I was hired essentially on the spot - after 2 months of sending resumes and applications.  I was elated.  Cloud 9.  What a huge Ego boost!  And then reality jumped in and bit my ass.  I kept calculating over and over and over and over the difference in pay.  I was obsessed with the numbers.  I was FREAKING out.  The Mr. kept telling me - we're making it on unemployment!  He's not wrong.  We are.

I woke up at 4:30AM that next morning reviewing every mistake I had ever made at "that job" and well, every mistake I had made in life in general to bring me to getting fired (call it what ever you want -  you no longer have the job - you were fired).  I had started this 40 Day Prosperity Plan and as I sat there with my cup of coffee, my calculator, my favorite pen, my notebook and a raging panic attack brewing under the surface, I remembered that this....all of THIS...is not for me to worry about.  I'm supposed to be giving my burdens to my God.  God is my true provider.  8 days into this plan and I had already tried to take back the damn pen.  I was trying to make this work for me rather than letting God lead my way!  I know better.  I picked up my pen and my book, wrote out the 9th day's step and gave it all back over to God. 

Here I am on day 16 of the plan, God still has the pen, with a negative TB test, about to go take my pre-employment drug test and find out my start date.  I'm nervous but, I know this is where I am meant to be.  I know this is my path and I will be prosperous - maybe not financially right away but, I will be in my heart.