Forgiveness

Forgiveness.  It’s no coincidence that it is Easter weekend and I’m thinking/writing about forgiveness...maybe you need some too?

I have carried a heavy burden for a long time.  I was angry, I felt forgotten, maybe even unloved, and I felt a lot, a lot of guilt.  My mom has been gone almost 5 years, I didn’t talk to her for 3 years prior to that.  It’s been 8 years since I spoke to my mother.  

Now, some of you are getting bristly and ready to defend her - this is where your forgiveness comes in.  My mom was MY mom.  I SAW HER - not YOU - at most of her rawest moments.  I KNEW her at rest, in angst, in fear, in pain, in faith, in courage, in strength, in love, and in anger.   I was there with her when my sister was killed, when her parents died, when my dad was home, when my dad left, when each of my siblings moved out. YOU saw ONLY what SHE wanted you to see. I, I saw EVERYTHING. 

Now back to the story.   When we were ready to foster a child to adopt, they told us stories of children going to bed hugging loaves of bread or gallons of milk in fear of not having food to eat. They told stories of terrible abuse children have endured.  And regardless the story, the child always wanted to return to the mother.  I identified with that feeling and I held it a long time in hopes she would be better.  Hoping one day, I could have her be a real ‘’mom’ and not just a mother.  

I loved my mother.  I love my mother.  Fiercely.   As she got older, it got harder to see her, to talk to her, to relate to her - and I never really understood her!  As her mind deteriorated, which we figure got a real good start when Valerie was killed, it got worse as the years went on and then when the divorce hit, she tipped the scale.  

I lived through all of it.  In that house.  With her.  (Later, away from her, yet she was my mom and it was so hard to leave her.)  Every day of my life.  I saw things, endured things, that to this day are barely even a blip to my memory but, I know them.  I see them in only short movie clips, and some are terrifying, yet they don’t make sense.  I was so small when they happened my adult mind cannot grasp when my little eyes saw.  And I held them for a very long time. I kept them to myself.  I probably always will.  I was the only witness to most of it so it cannot be confirmed.  But if I were to tell you anything about it, you would hate her.  That hate, and any anger toward her is mine.  I can’t have you hate her.   It’s like siblings - I can say what I want about my siblings but, if you say it, you best pack a lunch and bring an army!

A few weeks ago, I took an intuition class led by a good friend. I have felt my mom nearby for a very long time and I took this class to open myself up again, to help me hear past her.   I knew I was ready to get back to my life and let hers go.

I see and hear spirits.  

I shut them off shortly after my mom died.  She has come to me 3 times.  The first, shortly after she passed.  She was cloudy black, angry, full of rage, screaming at me from my bedside.   The second time, she was yelling to me from my shower.  The third she was at the side of my bed again, much calmer telling me she was ready when I was and I knew how to reach her.

During this class - I knew.  I knew without a doubt it was time to put my past with her to rest,, to forgive her and let us both heal.  I did. I was supposed to be doing homework that night but, I felt her there with me.  Stronger than I had in so, so long!  Stronger than in life even.  I could feel her faith, I could feel the mercy and forgiveness she had been given and it was time to give her my peace.   I prepared myself, as I do with any spirit, and I opened myself to “hear” her.   Without any word or pictures, I “understood” all I needed to know from her.  I gave her my love, my forgiveness, my peace, and I let her go!  I let go 45 years of my anger and my hurt and felt her take it all on and leave me.

My mother, will be with me all the rest of my life.  She’ll be at the front of the line to greet me when I reach my heavenly home.   She’s with me in the sun, the moon, and every breeze.  I have her hands, her silly side, her wit, humor, her love of expensive things.  And her temper.  One day, when she’s ready, she’ll show herself to me again in her spirit animal, and I’ll know when I see her, that I am always her daughter and she’s still with me.