I've been seeing her for a few months now. I like her. She's very different than any therapist I have met thus far and it helps.
I've told you my secret. But, it's not that easy.
My Aunt said something in response to a social media post and well, she got me thinking. My Uncle Butch, he was a good man, had a big heart, like most of the Nolff clan but, I was thinking of the hardships he had, the things he went through and the price his soul paid. Like me, Butch was the youngest of a big family - 11 actually and he was in the military as most men were at that time. The first thing I remember about him was that when his mother died, she had run down to the neighbors as Butch had called home, either from Vietnam or from basic training. She had a heart attack and died while she was gone to answer the phone. Could you imagine calling your mother and she died on her way to you?
As if that wasn't enough for a man to carry, as if the horrors of fighting in the Vietnam war weren't enough, my Uncle Dan, Butch's nephew (they were only 4 years apart) was shot and killed at his post. Butch was military escort and brought his friend, his nephew home to his family and mourned the loss along the way. He stood guard for Dan that whole time, took the responsibility to watch over his nephew one last time.
We as a society tend to only look at what we see on the surface of a man (woman), we don't look at him and think "oh, I wonder what happened to them to make them this way. I wonder what he's been through..."
We never think about why we are the way we are, what labels we put on ourselves or allow others to put on us, nor do we think about the effort it takes to live up to or defend ourselves from these "standards".
When I stood at my mother's/father's/sister's graves back in October and I said I had cried but not for the loss of my mother, it's true, I didn't cry for her, I cried for the loss of myself, the parts of me buried with each one of them. In some ways I also cried knowing I now had another label, more reaction judgement from others and yet one more thing to endure. Some think that now my parents are both gone, that I need substitute parents and they are the perfect people to fill this role. Thank you for your concern but, mine taught me well, I don't need replacements, I think I've endured enough.
The weight of these labels is immense, immeasurable and I knew I was cracking under them all. Outspoken, bitchy, selfish, spoiled, competitive, bossy, blah, blah, blah! I knew it was too much pressure to be what everyone one said I was (or wasn't) to be the things I knew I was or was not. I got help.
I am learning to take people for who they are, to not pass judgment on them or to apply labels to them, to simply trust my instincts to lead me to decide who I need or don't need. I'm learning who I am, how to be me, and how to shake off all the junk they're sticking on me. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok. It's not about being a cup of tea, it's about finding those who aren't afraid to ask for the coffee. I'm with them!
