New Year's Eve 2013

I'm sitting here waiting for my husband to get home from work, I'm sliding into the last bit of my two week holiday.  It's my slowest time of the year, his busiest.  We make do.  Jacob is off of school for the same two weeks that I am off, it works out.

I'm thinking about 2013 - the good and the not so good.

I'm looking at our Christmas tree and the combination of Chocolate Labrador Retriever ornaments mixed in with my collection of primitives, and all of Jacob's public service along with all the beauties he's created for me the last few years and I can't help but smile at the Christmases we've shared here, in this house with this beautiful child and I frown a bit knowing that each year to come is one less.

I sent a Christmas card to my mother today with Jacob's school pictures.  I'm a little late, I know.  I keep thinking to myself, "she'll be 80 in a few weeks".  I keep asking God if it's time to go to her (not because I want to, it's a responsibility thing) and he says, "no, she's not ready yet."  So I wait.  It's tough to explain, I don't miss her, I'm concerned about her safety, her diet, her medical needs and other things (I don't give 2 shits about her finances - let's make that clear!)  I said I don't miss her but, she's still my mother, if only in the sense of the woman who birthed me because I wish I had a mother.  A mother that wanted to be with me, to be with my child (he's so awesome and she has no idea), to support me, to encourage me, to give me hope, to ease my burdens, to...so many things.  But, without her, I'm learning to do these things for my child.  I'm learning to be the mom I didn't have.  In fact Jacob just told me tonight, "I'm sorry your mom didn't kiss you goodnight."  I have forgiven her, forgiven myself, forgiven my dad and I'm not angry anymore.  I'm not hurt.  I'm just done with it.  I've let it go.  Yet I have no desire to contact her and you can think what you want of me for it.  "As my mom always said, he who lives in a glass house should not throw stones."

I think about the changes in myself this year.  I'm calm.  I don't worry.  I don't wigg...at least not like I used to.  I still have a few quirks here and there but, I've mellowed out.  Jacob spilled something a few days ago and I noticed his face - he was so afraid - of me, of my reaction to come.  All I said was, "let's get a towel and clean it up."  I didn't yell, I didn't *gasp*.  I just cleaned it up.  And my kid wasn't terrified of me.  He came to me a little later, "Mom, I'm sorry I spilled." and I responded with, "it's ok.  We cleaned it up.".  He hugged me so tight and declared his love for his momma.  All the while, Jeremy looked on with a smile.

I'm not worried about money, or bills, or debt, or home repairs anymore.  I prayed to God some time ago and asked him to provide for us, to help me learn the difference between what I need and what I want and we're making progress with that.  I'm not taking my worry back from God.  I don't want it.  I trust Him.  I did make the mistake of opening my BIG mouth and telling Jeremy that one of my plans for 2014 is not to buy any more books until I clear out one of my bookshelves.  Now he's holding me accountable!

I can't say 2013 was a good year for me, I can't say 2013 was a terrible year for me.  2013 was a learning year for me, an exploring year for me, a listening year for me.  A forgiving year and a non-judgmental year!  And in some ways, a realization year.  A realization that sometimes we have to take things for what they are and make the best of them.  A realization that some things we don't have to take at all.

My hope for 2014 is to continue to be better.  To continue to learn and move forward.  To continue to expand my visits with those who have passed on, to continue to improve my relationships with family and friends, to listen to my inner guiding voice and to follow my heart while still protecting the loving hearts around me.  If I can do that, I'm sure 2014 will be a success!

Happy New Year!

Imperfection

I stepped into the shower this morning, 2 days before my highly anticipated Christmas gathering with my family - the first time in many years we have gotten together to celebrate Christmas, and this little voice sang to me "It's not going to be perfect, you know.  I'm so glad you're finally past that shit."

First, I love my guides and my angels.  They say it to me like it is and in my language!

They're right.  I am past that shit.

I have a huge home.  I have a child, a husband - which at times equates to three children, a dog that sheds her entire coat of brown hair daily - I swear it!  A full time job.  Laundry, cooking, and helping with homework. And a voracious reading habit.  I also hear spirits in my spare time.  So?

Perfection.  Is.  An.  Illusion.

It's the blanket we pull over our mess and we pray to GOD that no one pulls that cover back and lays all of our shit bare  Plain and simple. It's a cover, a gloss.  It does not exist in its true form.  Plain and simple, it's bullshit.

My house isn't as clean and organized as it once was, as a matter of fact, we left this morning with a full blown parade on the floor in the den.  It's a guarantee that anything you eat or drink will have at least one brown dog hair in it - I promise you she's clean!  Your white socks won't stay white at  my house but, I'll gladly bleach them back for you.  But, you know what, my coffee pot is always on and I'd love nothing more than to sit with you in my living room where my furniture is covered with blankets to keep the hair somewhat under control, and catch up, or talk about books while our kids play.

It's not important to me any more.  Perfection is not my priority.  Living my life is.

Imperfection is important.  Enjoying my husband and my child.  Helping with homework and laughter.  That's important.  Snuggling under a blanket and watching a cheesy kid movie, that is important.  Big, slobbery, wet bologna dog kisses are important.

And you know what else?  I yell less.  I don't get upset as often.  Since I gave up on this illusion of perfect, I'm happier!  A happier mom makes a happier family!  Imagine that!!  And you know what else?  My husband doesn't make smart ass comments like "Would you like to iron these sheets before we sleep on them?" anymore.

Look, I'm not saying I've thrown it all out the window - not at all.  We'll take the blankets off the couch for this weekend, vacuum the masses of brown hair, clean the shower, etc.  I'm cooking a ham and potatoes but, I'm not cooking a seven course meal.  I'm done with the useless shit like making sure Jacob's dresser drawers are straightened or my basement pantry is alphabetically aligned before company comes.  No one cares.

I've realized that I'm much happier now that I'm not perfect.  I don't want to be "perfect" again.