"You don't know what it's like..."

"To be poor."

Someone said this to me once.  And you know what, they're absolutely, positively, 100% correct.  I do not know what it is like to be poor.  I thank The God above every night that I don't.  But, I do know the value of solid day's work is and I do know how to go at it HARD and not to stop until it's done.  If that meant I had to work 10 jobs to do it and never sleep a wink, I'm stubborn enough to do just that!  Especially for Jacob.  So I promise you this - if I were poor you'd never know it!

I don't think we were a rich household growing up on Maple Street.  We had food (though I still to this day won't touch cooked canned tuna fish to save my soul).  We had clothing (Edna always had more!).  We had extras. My parents both worked - in my time anyway.  My dad as an Electrical Engineer for Consumer's Energy (as it is now) and my mom as a nurse in a doctor's office (later as a sew-er in a factory).  When I was very young and the older kids were home, I'm sure money was tighter but, the burden eased a little more as each one moved out on their own.  And you know what - not one of us EVER moved back. 

I guess, in some ways I was spoiled.  Sure, I had expensive shoes and jeans (only 2 pair that I washed every other night) because my mom gave me $100 for school clothes and I bought 2 prs of jeans and $100 shoes that I worked after school and babysat to pay for.  Sure, I got a car before I graduated high school - with money that was saved FOR me -with the stipulation that I had to be able to pay insurance and upkeep all by myself!  Maybe at that time  I was VERY into material things and I wasn't as educated in the value of a dollar but, at 15/16/17 years old, I don't know anyone who wasn't, do you?  Besides, most of us grew out of it - most.

Growing up, my mom was pretty particular.  Our beds had mattress pads, and sheets with pillowcases that matched (usually she ironed the cases which I NEVER understood!).  And we even had covers over the pillows!  We had blankets for our beds and spares or extras if we needed them.  We had towels and washcloths and we NEVER, NEVER, NEVER had to go to the dryer looking for something!  You know - now I find a bed without a mattress pad EXTREMELY uncomfortable!?!  We were NEVER allowed to sleep without a pad AND a fitted sheet.  NEVER on a bare mattress!  And we HAD to have a top sheet! Poll:  Do you know how to fold a fitted sheet?  Yes, yes I do.  And king sized ones at that!

As kids in my parents house, we were responsible for getting our laundry to/from the basement for washing and sometimes it would be stacked on the stairs for us to put away when clean.  My mother NEVER-EVER put our laundry away.  We scrubbed stains on a washboard with Felsnaptha soap.  The bar was stuck on the top of the washboard.  We sorted by color with piles all over the basement.  My long blond hair always got caught in the cuff buttons on my daddy's work shirts and my sister Valerie would have to free me!  Laundry was done on Saturday.  If your laundry wasn't down.  Your laundry wasn't done. My brother would pay me to get his laundry down (and to clean his room).

We were responsible for raking the yard, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash and shoveling the snow.  We set the table.  We cooked.  We baked.  We did dishes.  We did laundry.  We ironed.  We cleaned house - dusting, vacuuming.  There were 6 of us to make light of those tasks.  And we did.  Every Saturday!

We actually cooked for the whole family.  We never had pre-made, pre-baked, prepacked, prepared foods.  If we had Salisbury Steak - the sisters made it.  If we had lasagna the sisters were boiling noodles.  Rolling out cookies, cakes were from scratch and bread raising on the heat registers in the winter.  We ate a lot of fish, venison, rabbit, squirrel, pheasant, etc. until my dad was too sick to hunt.  We popped popcorn and had sandwich nights but, Shit-On-A-Shingle was never allowed.  Dad ate enough of it in the Army and said he wouldn't touch that Shit again!  Oddly, my mother never made us birthday cakes!  Thankfully, I always had Karen to do those for me.

Dinner was at 6.  The table was set.  The lefties - one on mom's end and one on dad's so they didn't bump elbows with the righties.  Fork on the left, spoon on the right if you were a lefty you switched your own.  My dad sat by the TV to listen to the news and my mom by the kitchen.  We had to hold our tools properly and mind our manners.  No slurping soup.  No noise with straws, mind your please and thank-yous, please pass me this or that and we said our prayers before we dared to touch a fork! 

There were 6 of us.  We've had the same house for 43 years.  My mother still has the same carpet in her house she has had for all of my life and shockingly there are no visible stains.  There are no crayon or marker marks on my mothers walls - there is a spray mark of undercoating from my brother's car that he sprayed at one of us (prolly Val) and a grease spot where my mom threw a boat of gravy at my dad's head in the dining room though.  Oh, and a mustard stain on the ceiling too.  And we won't talk about "The ketchup packet incident".  And my sister, Karen drove a brand new Pontiac with my name scratched in the back window for a time (oooh!  That was such a pretty green rock I used when I did that!).  Our clothes and shoes always fit and they were always clean.  My mom would hem them up and let them out.  She patched knees and sewed buttons.  We kids joke about the amount of bleach my mom used on our whites - it was common while pulling your socks or underwears on in the morning to pull the band right off or to poke your thumb or finger through them.  We weren't allowed colored underwears because she couldn't bleach them - and if a colored pair snuck through, well they were white when you got them back! 

My dad didn't get into women's work (as I call it). He tried to bake a mayonnaise cake once and it tasted like white glue.  He liked those spice cakes!  He shrunk some of the sisters clothes and got himself banished from the laundry.  He worked and fished, and hunted - maybe not in that order!  The inner runnings of the house was my mom's responsibility.

To this day, I don't buy white canvas sneakers because if I get one scuff, I can't stand it and I have to wash them.  I do bleach our whites but, haven't lost a band yet.  I wash coats, hats, bedding, frequently and I have PLENTY of spares!  I can't wear shoes without socks, a belt without a shirt tucked in, and I send my dishcloth to the laundry after each use.  I will not wear white after Labor day and yes, my shoes do match my purse (it's real easy when you only wear brown shoes!).

You know - we were up visiting a friend a while back and Jacob stepped in doggie dookey - I didn't know how to get the poop off of his shoe.  Do you believe that!?!  My friend had to help me out.  Since Kelsey arrived, I've become an old pro at the dookey scrape but, we never had pets like that when I was a kid.  My mom always made them disappear...somehow.  But, even with Kelsey, I have to have the hair vacuumed almost daily - especially by her crate/bed.  I would like dookies to be picked up daily though my husband thinks I'm nuts.  I clean under and her bowls as often as I can.  And I just bought a carpet steamer!

I think of these things now as an adult and I'm kind of glad to have been raised with so many standards.  We were taught to take care of our things, to put them away, to keep them clean.  If you do these things, your stuff WILL last longer.  I think of the standards that were set so long ago maybe make us appear to be rich or maybe if some followed those standards they wouldn't seem so poor..?   Ya think?

“What you see with your eyes shut is what counts.”

I was catching up on some blog reading from my friend Echo Bodine this morning and I had to share this post from her site:

"Another whole world opens up when we close our eyes and calm our mind. Be still and know; be still and hear; be still and see; be still and feel. Inside every person is a still, small voice. Sometimes it is necessary to close our eyes to shut down our perception in order to see. Try this occasionally when you are talking to your child or spouse, close your eyes and listen to them. Listen to the tone of their voice; listen to their excitement; listen to their pain-listen.

Great Spirit, today, let me hear only what really counts."

I know I am struggling these days with patience and calm.  Jeremy and I are working through some stressfull family stuff, work is crazy, Jeremy's job is under constant change and of course, I find myself hollering at Jacob for such little things and I feel soooo bad after the fact that I just hug him and I cry.

Like this morning - 2AM and he comes to sleep in my bed.  I love my son but, I HATE sharing a bed - even a king size bed - with him.  He twists and turns all over the bed.  And THE worst = he likes to burrow!  He likes to scoot all the way down to the foot of the bed but, he doesn't like his head covered which means as he's burrowing down, he's taking all of the blankets down with him and uncovering me!  Now most nights my bedroom is a solid 58 degrees because we don't have heat in our bedroom (we have a space heater but, I don't sleep with it on) and I like my covers pulled up to my chin!  So...well...if he's in my bed, I get damn cold!  Plus I already have a 60lb. dog in there.  Anyway it's 2AM and I'm just a screaming, raging bitch over this kid who only wants to sleep with his mom. 

I know now, I need to slow down and take this time with him.  He won't be this age forever.  He won't need or want me later like he does now.  I do need to close my eyes and just listen to him.  But, he also really needs to sleep in his own bed, while I need to not be so bitchy at 2AM to work us through that.

     *I did get up and talk to him while getting him back in his own bed.  I promised that the next weekend night when his daddy works, we'll have a snack and watch TV or a movie in my bed.  Just the 2 of us.  He LOVES to do that.  It was his sweet sleepy face that just melted my heart!  I don't want to be that 'mean' mom again!

I know now that I need to change some other things too - like although I like a home in perfect order - I need to realize that the dishes can wait.  This TV program isn't important.  But, this kid.  This kid is important and he wants me.  I'm going to work very hard to make that better!

Thanks Echo!  Thanks for reminding me to close my eyes and listen to my son's "Still, small voice" too!

Cutting the Stuff

I believe, this among other things that we are put on Earth for 2 purposes - to learn or to teach.  God sent some of us here to Earth with specific lessons in mind and some he sent as the teachers.  You know maybe we're even both!  I believe we all have a path cut out for us by God before we are born and every experience we have on this Earth - good or bad - is a part of that lesson.  The people we meet in our lives cross our paths to either learn from us or for us to learn from them.

I've been observing and reflecting for quite some time now - since before my friend Kate and "The Fire" but more so since about stuff.  Stuff we have.  Stuff we want. Stuff we need.  Stuff we think we need.  Too much stuff!  Kate had mentioned about getting caught up in the stuff and feeling so weighted down by stuff.  I've been feeling that way for sometime myself.  Surrounded by so much stuff, I wonder what of this stuff is really the stuff I love and stuff that I need.  The answer is always - not so much.

We have lived in our house for 11 years now.  When we first moved in, we weren't married yet and so many people gave us their stuff and we had stuff and we bought stuff.  We cleaned and we painted and made our house into our home.  I love my home and I love the things in it but...

Do I really need to continue to save all of the cards from my wedding shower and our wedding?  I have it all written down in the book who gave us what.  Nope - don't need those.

My wedding cake topper that is broken and the tarnished silver-plated toasting glasses that no matter what I use or how much I polish I can't remove the tarnish?  Nope - don't need those.  (BTW yes, Jeremy and I discussed this before they were purged)

The pen used at our wedding reception to sign the guest book?  Really, I did keep it and what's even better?  It doesn't write!  The ink dried up.  Nope - don't need that.

Must I keep every book I've ever read?  I have more than I'll likely read in my lifetime plus a few and to go back and read one I've already read?  Nope - don't need those.

That box of clothes that doesn't quite fit but might if I just got a little bit of exercise?  I'm not saying anymore.  Nope - don't need those.

My old cell phone and all of its accessories + Jeremy's old phone + my old, old phone + Jeremy's old, old phone and all of their accessories that I was saving on the off chance that we might need a backup phone or someone I know might need one?  Nope - don't need those.

Christmas decorations that totally don't work with my home decor and are so cheesy they're almost scary?  (I don't like to revamp my whole house for Christmas.  I like to put up the tree, add a few little touches so it looks like it all belongs there all the time.) Nope - don't need those.

Fake floral arrangements that have been on display for over 11 years complete with 11 years worth of dust?  Nope - don't need those.

Picture frames in every size, color, or shape?  Metal?  Wood?  Resin?  All stuffed in a drawer?  Nope - OBVIOUSLY don't need those!

Soap supplies for my soap making business where I was going to make enough money to quit my job and work for myself now living in the basement untouched for oh, about 3 months now.  Nope - don't need all that.  (I will continue to make soap for our own use but, no more craft shows, etc.)

Pictures that were to go on the walls but, I don't know where I had intended to put them bought simply because I like them?  Nope - don't need those.

See what I mean?  It's just so, so much stuff.  Why am I hanging on to all of it?  I don't need it. It's just stuff.

2012

Of course with a new year, we all spend our time thinking of the past year and what we want to improve to go forward - about ourselves or our relationships, what we would like to continue as is, or the things we'd like to quit.

I worked hard on myself if 2011 and I plan to continue that in 2012.  I'm working to go easier on people, easier on myself, and let my expectations in others slide a little bit.  I have a few relationships that need some work.  I have one that I will continue to be on hold and who knows what or who this year will throw at me.  I know I want to be open to it.

My biggest struggle is this blog.  It's taken a few turns over the years and honestly, I'm just quite bored with it.  The people I used to keep in touch with by blogging - rarely blog anymore.  I'm moving in a personal direction that I'm not comfortable with sharing so publicly anymore but, it's such a BIG part of my life that I can't ignore it.  Yet, I feel a little guilty to quit writing here and simply said, I guess, it really isn't a priority for me anymore.

So much has changed and I don't...I just don't know where I want to go.