Coming Clean

I believe in God,

the Father almighty,

Creator of heaven and earth,

and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,

who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,

born of the Virgin Mary,

suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, died and was buried;

he descended into hell;

on the third day he rose again from the dead;

he ascended into heaven,

and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty;

from there he will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,

the holy catholic Church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and life everlasting.

I was taught that.  I can recite that.  It brings me comfort and warmth.   I believe it in my heart of hearts. I can give you the Lord's Prayer too, if you'd like but, you'll think what you want and I'll know what I know.  I need to discuss something...I'm really tired of being afraid.  I'm really tired of judgement and perception, opinion and holding back so, at the risk of losing everything, I'm coming clean.

I believe in God.  I believe in miracles.  I believe that God puts people here on Earth to do his work.  I believe in Angels.  I believe in God's Kingdom.  And I believe that God speaks to me in a voice I can hear.  I also believe he speaks to you.  I believe you can hear him just like I do, if you want to listen.

I've been working a lot these last few years on listening.  You know that little voice that says, "Go back for your cup of coffee." and you ignore it, thinking it's just coffee so you don't go back.  Then a few miles down the road and the guy driving behind you is talking on his phone, doesn't see you slowing to turn left and he hits you from behind.  If you would have went back for coffee...you would't have been there for him to hit.  It's those type things I'm learning to listen to.

I hear voices.  I have for a long time.  Sometimes with those voices, I'd smell something - like cologne or one super special visitor I have - he smells like gun oil and he's my favorite.  But these voices, they tell me things when I'm with people or they explain things to me.  Sometimes they bring me a deep understanding or a knowing.  Say we're together and we're talking about your daughter who is getting married and you're very nervous/anxious about this guy she's chosen, well the more we're talking and I'm listening to you but, this voice says to me "He loves her!  He loves her with all of his heart and his soul.  He would never hurt her.  He will cherish her all of his days!"  Not only do you hear that but, you can feel this all encompassing warmth surround you like a hug from your loving father and you almost start to cry.  How do you know this?  You've never met them.  Those things happen to me all the time.  Sometimes these voices speak out loud to me.  You may not hear them but, they still make me turn and look to find no one there.  They're that real.

I asked this voice one time, "How much time do I have with my mom?" 
The voice responded, "83". 
I asked the voice, "83?  83 what?  83 days?  83 months?  August 3rd?  83 what?".
Again the voice responded "83".
I knew not to ask the voice again for it had changed tone and like a child with their father, I knew my line of questioning was not going to be tolerated any longer.  I'm waiting to see what he meant by "83"

I have a hard time in large groups of people - like concerts, crowded restaurants, oddly - church.  I have a hard time with all of the noise.  For me, it's 200 people trying to talk to me all at once and I can't sort out all of the voices.  I don't know who's trying to talk to whom.  The only thing I leave with is a splitting headache!I'm what is called a sensitive.  I absorb the mood.  If you're sad, I'll be sad.  If you're elated, I'll be elated.  If you're bitter and crabby, I will be too.  I have to be very careful not to absorb and it's very hard.  So I choose to keep my circle a little small.  I've had a very tough time finding a church that is lifting for me.  We have been with our church for some time and I recently realized that when leaving church on Sunday morning, I'd feel totally drained.  It's because I was taking in all of everyone else's burdens.  I need to find a new church family.  I need to start experimenting with that very soon.

I hear voices.  I talk to spirits but, right now I'm more at peace than I've ever been in my entire life.  Call it conscience.  Call me crazy.  Call me a fruitcake.  Call me a nutjob. Chances are - if you feel I have secluded myself from you, it's because I already knew you couldn't accept this from me and you'd rather call me names than to understand me. I'm sorry you feel that way.  I came clean and how you deal with the rest, is up to you.