"It is what it is"

I guess I'm a little superstitious. I believe in fate.  I believe in destiny.   I believe things happen in threes.  I believe in God, that he has a path set out for you.  I believe there are signs for you to follow if you're willing to see them.

I was up home this past weekend for my 20 year (I'll leave the mathematics up to you) class reunion.  Yes, I had a GREAT time.  Yes, I totally enjoyed myself.  Jeremy had a good time too.  I saw some friends that I hadn't seen in 20 years.  I saw a couple of people I graduated with that now live almost in my back yard. I caught up with some old friends and made some new.  Mostly, I took on a new attitude towards my future and my past. 

I was talking to a former classmate, who is best friends with a guy that I had dated, and I always thought he hated me.  We were ordering drinks, talking about this guy and he said something like, I'd forgotten all about that, you know what..."It is what it is", can't change it, can't undo it.  We went on to finish our drinks, and out to breakfast. I had a really great time!

Jeremy and I went for coffee and our favorite little coffee shop in Manistee, Goody's Juice & Java.  They have a White Chocolate Raspberry Mocha that I'd almost die for!  Anyway, this woman was talking to another woman out front over coffee and blueberry muffins, I didn't hear any other part of their conversation but then she says as clear as a bell, "Well, you know Betty, It is what it is!"  I smiled, gave Jeremy an elbow and kept on walking.

Yesterday, I turned on the TV when we finally got back home, I hadn't even turned the channel, simply turned on the thing and this woman says, "...It is what it is..."!  I said "DAMMIT!  THAT'S THREE!!"  Someone is trying to tell me something!

I got the message.  It is what it is.  I can't always plan it.  It doesn't always go the way I want.  It's not better or worse, it is what it is.  I was so happy to see a girl that I didn't really hang around in high school.  Turns out it was great to see her, I was looking forward to seeing her and I was happy to have seen her!  It is what it is.  I talked with a deputy sheriff about a boyfriend in high school and the terrible luck he's had dating/marrying since.  I'm sorry for the guy but again, it is what it is.  I had set up a time to meet some friends for lunch and a few couldn't make it.  It doesn't mean they like me or they don't, it is what it is.  People don't change.  People do change.  It is what it is.   I dated a guy for 6 years, a lot of things went wrong, both his fault and my fault (and I keep running into him at the damn casino!).  It is what it is. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't and you know what?  It is what it is.

Thoughts on 37...

I'm sitting here tonight after all of the birthday wishes have come in, after the cake, the cards, and my gift, I totally was not expecting, another birthday come and gone, thinking over the past year - what has changed or stayed the same and what I hope for in the next year.

I've thought a lot tonight about love and relationships, about family and friends and those we love who love us.  I think about the capacity of love, the love for family, the love for your partner, the love for your child and sometimes the conditions that come with love.

Why does love have to come with conditions or rules?  I love my husband and my child unconditionally and whole-heartedly, yet why am I so scared to love others without being so afraid?

Speaking of afraid - I was given a wonderful gift for my birthday.  Something I've wanted for a long time and couldn't justify purchasing for myself.  It was the most expensive gift I've been given in quite some time.  And I was so touched, to know someone cared about me, so much to 1 - give me something like that and 2 -  to think of something I'd really like, want, and use.  And 3 - they were willing to show me they thought of me and they love me.  I cried.  I cried when I opened the box.  I cried when I told my husband what it was.  I cried when I called to thank her.  It was so amazing to receive that love!  It wasn't the gift (though it's a great gift) - It was the love BEHIND the gift!  Have you ever had someone give you something and just FELT the sentiment radiating from the gift?  It was so real!

You see, I'm learning love shouldn't have rules.  Love shouldn't be held back.  Love shouldn't be withheld because someone doesn't meet expectations, because someone thinks you should love them like they want to be loved rather than accepting the love you have to give.  Just because I don't love you the way you think I should doesn't mean I don't love you.  Love should be given freely and never, never taken away.  Love shouldn't come with strings or expectations.  Jealousy or spite don't belong when you love.

I've worked hard while 37 to make a change in myself to open my heart, to open my mind, to be more forgiving, to open the door and let people who want to care about me into my life.  And to sort the truth from the from the show. I'm learning to take things as they come, and what they're meant to be.  I'm learning to relax and go with what comes my way.  I want to continue working on it for 38.

Thank you, Jeremy.  Thank you, Jacob.  I love you both to the moon and back!  Thank you, my family for the cards in the mail full of birthday wishes.  Thank you, my Kindle giver - not just for the gift but, the love and the light behind the box.  Thank you, my warm yellow sunshine and her Me-la for all you have taught me this past year.  And my friends - Thank you to those who have always been here.  I love and appreciate each and every one of you!  To my new friends and my new old friends - I have come in (or back in) contact with many of you after our lives took so many twists & turns and there is a bigger reason for that than we may ever know.  I'm looking forward to where our new path leads.

Here's to a happy 38th!

Happy Father's Day 2011

I always struggle with Father's Day.  It's usually piggybacked to my birthday and with it one small, precious moment I alone shared with my dad.  Being the youngest of 6 kids, it was tough to find something in common, something only one could share with him.   I always visited for Father's Day to share that moment.  "Happy Father's Day!", I'd call out, and he in turn "Happy Birthday!"

I miss my Dad.  I miss him every. Single.  Day.  What I miss the most, is he didn't meet Jacob...sometimes I can't help but think my dad had a hand in brining our Jacob.  I can see him up there, giving God a little nudge, saying "Yep, send that little whipper-snapper to my youngest daughter, she needs a precocious little boy in her life!"  I know he's smiling down from heaven at us and at Jacob, the little mini-Web (he looks amazingly like my dad) - the kid who shares so many loves with his Grandpa he never met.  I know if my Dad were here, Jacob would be attached to his hip, watching the cars go by, the airplanes take off, and waving to the city police.  And my Dad, he'd be so proud to share and to show him all of the things he showed me...

Child's Footprints Poem

"Walk a little slower Daddy" said a child so small,
"I'm following in your footsteps and I don't want to fall.
Sometimes your steps are very fast,
Sometimes they're hard to see;
So walk a little slower, Daddy,
For you are leading me.

 Someday when I'm all grown up,
You're what I want to be;
Then I will have a little child
Who'll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right,
And know that I was true,
So walk a little slower, Daddy,
For I must follow you."
(author unknown)

Happy Father's Day!

Finally! Inside Holland Fire Department

On the corner of the office complex (putting it mildly - this place is the size of like 6 football fields) where I work, is a branch of the Holland City Fire Department. Every time Jacob comes to visit me or we drive by there he asks when we can visit.  Jacob and daddy came to have lunch with me yesterday and on their way home they passed through Holland FD.  The guys were coming back from a call and invited him in!

This is Heidi.  Jacob told me on the phone "I met Heidi - she DRIVES the firetrucks!"  And he also got a tour of the station.  He's been very curious about where they sleep.  Allegan's firefighters are all volunteer and though there are beds at our station, they're not used.  Holland FD does (I seem to recall anyway) a 24 on/48 off rotation so they do use their bunks.  They even have Holland FD maltese crosses on their blankets.  How cool is that!?!

If this kid doesn't grow up to be a firefighter or a police officer...I'll be amazed.

Remembering Missy

I lost a friend last week.  It's always hard to lose a friend.  It's harder yet to lose a friend to mental illness.  It's even harder yet, when a friend chooses their own end.  We are left feeling as if we missed something, missed all of the signs.  Feeling as if we could have helped.  Feeling the "if we had only known".  Wondering if she knew how much we all cared for her.  Knowing it wouldn't have made a difference.  Feeling angry because she didn't reach out.  Angry because we didn't reach in. The minister at Missy's funeral explained her illness quite well (and I'm kinda paraphrasing here).  Missy didn't believe in any one religion, she believed in parts of all of them. Depression is a horrible darkness that blocks out God's light.  As bright as Missy's light was, Missy couldn't fight the darkness any more.

I'm told Missy could sing.  And by 'sing', I mean SING!  I never had the privledge to hear her.  Only little bits here and there when she was goofing but, her ex-boyfriend sang this song at Missy's funeral.  He said it was a favorite of hers to sing, he said every time they brought out the guitars Missy asked to sing this, he said either she sang it for or with her mother and he was singing it that day for Missy's daughter.  I emailed and asked Eric if he could share it with me because when I heard this song, I knew.  I knew Missy was wrapped in Jesus' arms.

"Come To Jesus"
Mindy Smith

Oh, my baby, when you're older

Maybe then you'll understand

You have angels to dance around your shoulders

'Cause at times in life you need a helping hand

Oh, my baby, when you're prayin'

Leave your burden by my door

You have Jesus standing at your bedside

To keep you calm, keep you safe,

Away from harm

Worry not my daughters,

Worry not my sons

Child, when life don't seem worth livin'

Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh, my baby, when you're cryin'

Never hide your face from me

'cause I have conquered hell and driven out the demons

I have come with a light to set you free

Worry not my daughters,

Worry not my sons

Child, when life don't seem worth livin'

Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, my baby, when you're dying

Believe the healing of His hand

Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival

Here in Heaven you will finally understand

Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival

Here in Heaven you will finally understand

Worry not my daughters,

Worry not my sons

Child, when life don't seem worth livin'

Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Rest in peace my friend. I will miss your beautiful smile and your infectious bubbly laugh. I will miss the broccoli for lunch.  Every.  Day.  I will miss the way you seemed to float into a room.  I will miss the way you magically appeared when I least expected to see you. I will miss your spirit and I will miss your light.  Until we meet again...