As it seems

I've had quite a few reconnections come up lately.  People I haven't seen or talked to in some time have popped back into my life and though I don't know the rhyme or reason for it, it's always a good feeling to reconnect with a small part of the past.

I've had some time this past weekend for a little soul searching too.  Time for reflection.  Looking back to the person I once was.  I'm always amazed at how we change, grow, and develop into different people.  Some of us blossom, some just never seem to bloom - water and water but the buds never come.

I went up to Manistee for the weekend.  Just Jacob and I.  We went and met a couple of my old friends for dinner.  I also took a trip back to a place I hadn't been in over a decade.  My heart was a little hurt by all of the changes.  No, I didn't expect for time to stand still yet, I didn't expect so much regression either.

Jacob and I made the turn on to Coates Highway and I felt my heart kinda sink.  I kept thinking to myself "it's been at least 10 years since I...".  I couldn't believe the difference.  Bobby F's farm - wow!  It's grown so much.  He has a barn!  I heard later that he's been sick and his wife then is no longer his wife.  My eyes couldn't keep up with everything there was to see.  So many thoughts, "That turned into a dump.  Oh!  They really made some changes here.  Where's T's parents yellow and brown trailer?  I didn't know they had a new house.  Does her dad still live there?" Stop and turn left onto Highbridge Rd. thinking "The bar is closed - we used to go there All.  The.  Time.  T & T lived a trailer that WAS right there - where'd they move? "  I passed house upon house, remembering the days when this drive was common.  My friend had called to see if we were on the way and I said "yep, I'm in the vicinity of Johnson Road." - how'd I know where I was?  Sure enough, the next crossroad was Johnson.  How could I forget Johnson Road?

It was great to see the girls again.  I always enjoy the laughs and the memories we share.  They're both remarried from when I knew them before.  I do find comfort in that fact - strange as it my sound.  As if I'm not the only one who moved on, I guess.  Though they are the locals, he was a local.  I was the outsider.

After dinner, I took my son into Brethren.  Mostly I was curious to see what's happened to the little town in the past 10 years and Jacob wanted to see the fire station.  The fire station I know like the back of my hand.  152 parked right inside the door to the right.  The pumper to its right.  The tanker (it was the new tanker then) behind.  The office all the way to the back.  I wondered if the code to the lock on the door is the same (I'd almost bet it is!) The fire station where my ex-fiance is the fire chief.  Of course, as luck would have it Jacob needed or dropped something and I had to stop - in front of the fire station.  I got pulled over by the State Police in front of the fire station once...he was at his weekly meeting and all the firefighters were all out front practicing when it happened.  Maybe I kinda wished they'd have a call.  Maybe I kinda wanted to see him.  Not talk.  Just to see without him knowing I saw.

Time hasn't been too kind to Brethren. Many businesses are closed and empty. Most of the homes are run down.  Most everything needs a good coat of paint. Lawns aren't mowed.  Old junker cars everywhere - some abandoned, some shockingly driveable. The old school with most of the windows broken out. As we drove through, it was easy to remember who lived where and what it was like...then. I didn't stop at the little store or any where. I just drove through, slowly. I did take Graf Road out of town - though I did forget you have to drive fast over the washboard. I drove past where he lived and the memories made there so long ago.

I was a little scared to enter his territory.  Matter of fact, I had told Jeremy to pray nothing would happen to me while I was out there.  I told Jeremy I knew Jacob would be safe.  I knew if something happened Jacob would go to him.  I knew he'd keep Jacob safe.  I knew he'd calm Jacob.  I knew he'd sit with Jacob and take care of him as if he were his own until Jeremy or my family got to him.  Most certainly if Jacob was hurt or scared.  I knew that he wouldn't leave Jacob's side if I was hurt.  Me - on the other hand - he'd have his firefighters put me in a wagon, point me toward the hospital and wish me luck.  I can't say I'd blame him.  Thankfully, I know a gal on the ambulance and prayed she'd be working!

I thought a lot about the person I was then and all I left behind at that time.  I never meant to hurt any one.  I simply didn't think of the consequences my actions would have on so many people - on him.  Especially on him.  Driving those familiar streets, I know had I stayed, my life wouldn't be what it is.  Had I stayed, I wouldn't have what I have (I'm not counting the material things).  I wouldn't have my husband, my child, my faith, my job.  I wouldn't have the same opportunities there I have here.  I know now I'd be another divorce statistic and likely with his kids shuffling them back and forth between here and there.  I'm sorry for him, sorry it was so hard to get to where he is now, sorry it was a rough road for him, sorry it was a struggle but, I think we both knew (or know now) it wasn't meant to work out between us.  I think it's hardest to accept.

I thought more about the person I have grown into.  I'm not the same selfish, "spoiled" teenager I once was - I was then.  I may not always be the most thoughtful or considerate person.  I'm working to get better at it but, I have a husband and a child I put before anything else.  I guess, at some point I learned people aren't always what I thought them to be, what I want them to be, what they seem to be and least of all what I expect for them to be.  I'm learning if I want to be accepted for who I am I'm going to have to do some accepting myself and who woulda thunk !?!