Dear Abby - on the loss of a child

I read Dear Abby every day.  Sometimes I smile because I relate.  Sometimes I don't finish the article because I can't believe how ignorant some people can be.  Sometimes I save and article for future reference (intending to blog my thoughts or share a laugh with you later).  Today's article hit me like a ton of bricks.

You can believe what you believe but, I believe that unborn children are still children.  I believe the loss of an unborn child hurts just as much or maybe more.  As a mom who has experienced countless losses, with friends who have experienced countless losses, this really hit home for me.   In the 5 years since Jacob came to us, in the years since we quit actively trying to conceive, I haven't forgotten what it feels like to lose a child - to lose hope, to lose my dream, to lose my faith, to lose out on those sweet little souls - part me/part Jeremy, that I never had the chance to meet...

I thank God everyday for my beautiful son.  Maybe not as much as I should on the days when he's being a typical 5 year old boy but, it's taken a long time to heal my hurts.  It's taken me a very long time to accept that my purpose in this life was to be Jacob's mom.  I wasn't meant to carry a child.  I was meant to love this child.  And I do.  I do with all that I am and all that I have. 

PARENTS WHO LOST A DAUGHTER ARE NOW IN A DIFFERENT PLACE

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?" At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now. When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh. I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes away.

Thank you my friends, who have accepted me for who I have become.  I could have never made it this far without you!

Birkenstocks and wool socks?

Somehow, somewhere, I've become more in tune with my eclectic side.  I don't know how it happened, when it happened or why it happened but, it did happen.

I think it started with a little Reiki, got encouraged by some soap, and now shoved over the edge by a small class on essential oils that I attended with the intention of improving my soap line.  Small soap lesson in 3...2...1 - the soap I currently produce contains fragrance oils which is a synthetic oil, or man made oil.  It's cheaper, more versatile, and can be made into any scent you'd like.  I'd like to get more natural and use some essential oils which are plant derived and open up my customer base just a little wider.

So, I'm in this class and I'm sniffing all of these oils, Clary Sage, Terragon, Nutmeg (which smells nothing of the nutmeg we think of) and Helichrysum (pain reliever).  Thinking to myself - this reeeeks!  Like this!  YULK!  I bought a few oils, took a few notes and went home eager to try these in some soap.  No big deal.

Only now, I don't just want to make soap with them.  I've been thinking about these oils and their amazing abilities.  I've been thinking about making candles with them.  And I've really been thinking about taking the Aromatherapist Certification class coming up in May.  Something is pulling me really hard in that direction!  I'm not a chemist - by any means!  But, I want to try so many things like what's the recipe for heartburn relief?  Is there something for Psoriasis or Eczema?  Athlete's foot?  Acne?  Digestive dramas?  And yes, there is one for baldness!  Can I put these in soap?  Shampoo?  Can I make a candle that burns away all of your stresses from the day?  I want to find out.

For now, I'm sticking to my brown loafers and athletic shoes, but if I do happen to end up a little overboard and you catch me in Birkenstocks and woolen socks, please send for help!

Candy Cane Lane

Jeremy took me past Candy Cane Lane once when we were either first dating or first married, I can't remember but for years, we didn't go back.  We brought Jacob down last year but, I didn't take any pictures - I seem to remember that it was COLD!  We finally made it back again without rushing through.  Though, I forgot how difficult it is to take pictures at night without a tripod (it's in the front hall - I remembered the camera at least) but, here's a few!

The rest of the year, this "castle" is a fountain.

"Mommy?  Can you take my picture with Rudolph?"  You can't see his red nose with Jacob's red coat.


Oh...and I found a new heaven!  It's called Sticky Toffee Pudding.  If you ever see it, never mind there are dates in it.  Just try it!  If you have tried it, tell me what you thought of it.

Festive Friday Nights

One of the little things that amaze me in our little city is this 'Festive Friday Nights' thing they do every Friday night of December in the weeks up to Christmas. 

We took a ride in a horse drawn buggy.

Have I ever told you that I love the smell of horses?  It reminds me of my Grandpa.  And the sleigh bells - oh, there's NOTHING like that sound!

We saw Santa.

Santa showed us how his elves make toys.

Our beautiful theater - all lit up.

And these hang from all of the trees downtown.  Aren't they pretty?

The 5YO Boy's Party!

I told you he wanted a Buzz Lightyear party!  I gave him a Buzz Lightyear Party!

This is Jacob's famous "I'm nervous, shy, embarrassed, or unsure" look.

All of the servers, the bartender, the manager on duty, and even a couple of guys from the kitchen came out with his cake and the candles lit, to sing 'Happy Birthday".  And I, I just cried.  That song gets me every time! (Can you see that white handled dish to the right?  It came out heaping FULL of pickles.  Jacob shared them with my brother.)



Five years ago today...

I remember working that morning, trying to finish some last things before being on leave for 2 months without a replacement. It was only a half day but, I’m so glad I went into work that morning, if nothing else, to keep my mind busy.

I left about noon to meet Jeremy and go to the hospital. We met up with A and her mom and followed them there. I think that may have been the longest drive of my life! Jeremy and I chattered about what Jacob would look like, how long labor would be, what would happen between now and his birth, and of course, if his biological parents would change their minds.

We all checked into the hospital at 2 PM. We took A. up to her room, she got changed and ready for the hard work ahead. The Dr. came in and got everything together to induce labor. And we waited, and we waited, we took turns going outside to smoke and we waited. A and I walked the halls, around and around, stopping first at the only the 2 diagonal corners so she could breathe through the contractions, and once that turned to stopping in all the corners, we headed back to her room and we waited. I remember the Dr. came in to ask if we wanted a baby on the 7th or the 8th. A. looked to us for the answer. “It doesn’t matter – do what’s best for him and for A.”, we said. The Dr. opted to help the labor along a little more and went to lie down.

The contractions increased but, she wasn’t making much progress. The nurse suggested a warm bath. A tried to relax, the contractions were increasing and the tub wasn’t providing much relief. A. crawled back into her bed. Jeremy took the opportunity to head outside. Soon after he’d left , the contractions were so close together, she could barely speak. A called for the nurse. When she arrived, she was hollering “don’t push, don’t push!”

A. finally spoke.  She yelled, “I have to he’s coming!”

There was no time to call for the Dr. The nurse moved the blankets, moved A’s knees apart and there was the most perfectly round, little head covered in brown hair. She was right, he was coming - he was here! December 7, 2005 at 11:15 PM my Jacob Andrew was born (Jacob = the last name of the guy that introduced Jeremy and I. Andrew = A picked for him). All 7 lbs. 15 oz. and 20 inches of him were finally here!

I called Jeremy’s cell phone and simply said, “Hi Daddy.  Come in and meet our son.”

Being Jacob’s mom these past five years, with all of the challenges, inconveniences, annoyances, smiles, laughs, tears, triumphs, the utmost pride, and absolutely overwhelming joy, have been the best 5 years of my life!  I'd do it all again, a hundred times over, with him.

Happy Fifth Birthday, (Bean, Toad, Jay, JB, JJ, Buddy, Babushka, Beautiful Boy) Jacob!

I love you more than EVERYTHING!

A few of my favorite things

Oprah does an episode, I believe it's annually, about her favorite things and as she lists these favorite things, everyone in the audience gets one of these faves to keep for their very own. I'm not giving anything away but, I thought it'd be fun to share with you some things I use or buy that I really, really like.  Of course, I'd take anything on Oprah's list too...

Shark Steam mop

Arizona Arnold Palmer Lite

Eli's Cheesecake

Bag Balm - for diaper rash

Cherry Republic - the cherry coffee, Original Cherry Salsa, and Boom Chugga Lugga Cherry Soda

Purex 3 in 1 Laundry sheets

Boogie Wipes

McDonald's Sausage, Egg & Cheese McGriddles

Starbucks Peppermint Mocha (let's not look at that calorie count, K?)

Hershey's Candy Cane Kisses (now I might have to add those cookies to the list!)

Homemade Soaps of any kind - including mine. I want to try these (they're cold process soap - I don't make that...yet).

Craftsmen 6-in-1 Flip Driver

Newman's Own Honey French dressing

Eddie Bauer Sweatshirts

MagLite 3D cell Flashlight

Tastefully Simple Bountiful Beer Bread and Spinach & Herb Dip.

Frankie Ballard's song - Tell Me You Get Lonely

Pampered Chef Apple Peeler Corer Slicer

Netflix

So those were things I have, I use, or have used.  Let's get into the Money-is-NO-object-Wish-List-portion:

Ford F150

HGTV 2011 Dream Home (even though I'm partial to Fords, I would take that GMC Acadia Danali too).  The Dream Home eliminates all kitchen appliances and home decor - I mean, it's the Dream Home, right?  It has everything I dream of!

Sleds.  One for me, one for Jeremy and of course, Jacob needs his own.

I'd even let Jeremy get his boat.

A trip to Alaska (the photos on this site are amazing!).

C'mon my other blogging friends.  I hope you'll share your favorite things! 

Spoiled Brown Dog!

Seriously!  Look at that face.  And she's so comfy.  Could you make her move?  Me neither!



We're a little over Kelsey's half birthday (as they call it in Jacob's preschool).  In honor of her 6 month birthday, Kelsey was spayed.  As cool as it would be for Jacob's dog to have puppies, Jacob's mom - she doesn't want to deal with that whole mess - and then trying to find homes for all those puppies!?!  With the spaying, she is also officially licensed.  Kelsey is weighing in at about 50 lbs.  Her back is about to my knees.  She's looks a lot like her momma.  We're working on walking - I can't walk her without using the Gentle Leader - she PULLS too much!  This head collar doesn't stop her from barking, it's not a muzzle, it just makes it difficult for her to pull.  She's learning fetch, and give - but she'll only give me the things that she doesn't really want.  She tries to hide and chew her other treasures.

And the cat...that poor cat!  But, I do love when I holler at Kelsey for chasing the cat and I walk into the kitchen where she's sitting so innocently pretty, as if to say "What Mom, I'm being a good girl?" with a HUGE tuft of orange cat hair in her jowels.  Reminds me of Tweety and Sylvester!  "Bird? pbblfft (as he's blowing out the yellow feathers)  What Bird?"

We had our first snow yesterday, Jacob and Kelsey had so much fun outside.  Kelsey kept wanting in and then back out.  She was running, jumping and eating snow!  She'll about tackle you for a snowball!  And she'll bite at your hands until you toss the one you're holding.  I spent a lot of the time watching the snowflakes land on her back.  Looking at each different one.  Her brown fur was a perfect background.  Sorry - no snow pictures, not a one turned out. I can't wait for more snow! 

Mid-Mid-Life Crisis

It's good/strange to be back here.  I feel this need to write again, to create again.  I feel like it's been so long since I've been here and so much has changed.  I have changed!  Looking back at myself, I can't believe where I once was!

I went shopping a few weeks ago...I was looking for a pink sweater.  For those of you who know me, well then you know that pink, pink ain't really my thing.  I found said pink sweater, and a pink tee with a white fleece, as well as a pink 3/4 sleeve with a white vest.  Jeremy's first question as I was pulling all of these pink things out of my bag, "What is wrong with you?"  And my dog, my dog has a pink collar and matching leash.  But, in my defense, pink and chocolate brown go together so well!

As if all the pink wasn't strange enough, I decided that I needed a camouflage sweatshirt.  Camouflage - one thing that I hate more than pink ( besides flip-flops - I better be careful, I'll be buying those come summer if this keeps up!).  My sweatshirt (mossy oak pattern from Cabela's) is due to arrive today.

I've had a bunch of little epiphanies in the past few months.  Little things like, you are not responsible for another person's happiness.  You are not responsible for another's actions or reactions.  Sometimes things/relationships/people are what they are and nothing more.  That it's very easy to succumb to another's negativity and tough to learn how to get around it.  I'm not saying that I now go through life ignorant of others and their thoughts or feelings, I think I was dwelling on others so much that I wasn't paying attention to myself or my little family and what is best for us.

I find myself smiling more.  I say 'hello' to people and I look them in the eye, rather than mumbling to my shoes.  I'm still not real outgoing and I don't care to venture far from my home, those things haven't changed.  I still don't care for busy restaurants, stores or large public events (i.e. concerts, etc.).  I get very overwhelmed and kind of suffocated, some of which has to do with the next paragraph and some I simply get very nervous and I try to be witty or cute and I totally come off like a big fat JERK!  I'm learning that it is okay to just be quiet too.

And to really knock your socks off, I've been doing a lot of reading.  I haven't updated my Goodreads to reflect this because of my choice of subject matter.  I've been reading a lot of books on psychic development, intuition and mediumship.  Call me a gypsy, call me a witch, quote to me what the Bible says about fortune telling, tell me I'll burn in Hell - it's nothing I haven't said to myself so, unless you have seen or really talked to me in the past 6 months, you haven't witnessed the difference in me.  You haven't noticed the skip in my step, the excitement I have for what lies ahead of me (no, I don't know but, I'm thrilled to find out!), or the smile on my face!  If it's evil, how can my spirit feel so awakened?  Shit - I've even gone back to church!

Whew!  Now I got that I just showed you my porn stash...talk about some relief!  Talk about a mid-life crisis.  This place just got really interesting, huh?  It's good to be back!  :)

Halloween 2010 and then some!

It's been awhile, I figured I'd better make this a good one.

Pumpkin carving = YULK!

And for Jacob this year, we found Pumpkin Masters Fright Lights.  They are little pegs that are hammered into the pumpkin rather than carving.  They were AWESOME!  Too bad this dope didn't take pictures!  We also skipped our tradition of getting pumpkins from Gene this year.  We just couldn't work it out. 

Of course, my little firefighter!  What else would he be!?!  He spent most of his trick or treat time at the firestation!  The guys were very impressed by his 'turnout gear'!  He had boots that matched (black and yellow) and even the tag on the back of his hat (he used my badge for work)!  Ron, our 2nd chief, is going to make Jacob his very own tag "just like a firefighter".

And then we went to Manistee!  Can you belive it was November?

 The guys were fishing from the pier.  This guy had his son pull up their catch so Jacob could see the "Big Fish".

Taken from the top of the catwalk.  Can you see the lower laker to the right of the pier on the left?  This was taken on 11/07 - The Mighty Edmund Fitzgerald sunk in the gales of November on 11/10 (then again...it is Michigan, wait 20 minutes, the weather will change!).

How cute is that kid?

I think we may have started a new tradition for our weekend trips to Manistee.  First an ambulance with lights & sirens...

Then a train.  Notice he's not wearing a coat!?!  He heard the horn and ran out!

Hello from the Northside Bar!  My Daddy used to take me there to play machine bowling and you could get a bowl of peanuts and throw the shells on the floor.  And then, when you were done with your pop, you threw the can into the bin!

The pictures above were taken from the parking lot.

Thanks Tim-O, the burgers were GREAT!

Jacob and Edna.  Yes, finally, you get to meet my mother!

I will be back soon with Jacob's Fifth (yeah, he's gonna be 5!) birthday!

Too many little things...

I like to think I've been making an effort to come here more often but, I'm not sure if it's really working out that way.  Whodda thunk that 1 almost 5 year-old, a 4 month old puppy, selling on eBay, Christmas shopping and sneaking batches of soap into every spare moment would take up so much of my time!?!

I sure didn't!

Really, honestly - life is good!

Kelsey - is growing like crazy!  I'm afraid that she might actually catch up with the size of her paws one day!  She's learning a lot - like how to dig big holes in my yard, she believes irises do not belong in our yard, she found that puppies can swing from rose bushes by their teeth, how to get Jacob or I to give her part of anything we're eating, she thinks Jeremy's side of the bed belongs to her, cat food is a wonderful treat, and sleeping on the couch is all good...until she gets caught.

Jacob - is really enjoying preschool!  Though, he still won't talk about it.  He did tell me that a firefighter came into class and showed them all of his gear.  He did tell me that he was an Allegan Firefighter, that he (Jacob) didn't know him nor did the fire fighter know Jacob (that is possible).  My first classroom volunteer day is coming up and I'm told that he'll open up a little more after that happens....we'll see!

Halloween is fast approaching.  We still do not have pumpkins (for carving) yet.  I'm kind of looking for a new tradition/something new to try.  We do have some mums and pumpkins on our porch.  Jacob's costume for Trick or Treat has been hanging in the closet since last spring and we'll do a final fitting here very soon.  He keeps telling me that he wants to be a witch!  It's a little late to tell me that now!

Jeremy - is working hard, sleeping little, and facing the typical challenges of a restaurant manager with a family.  As always, he has a lot on his plate and very little time.  I know he's looking forward to our vacation time this coming week. 

Me - you know me, I'm always running in 10 different directions trying to get the rope around it all.  I have 29 Gingerbread Man soaps to bag and tag - my latest creation.  I have a couple of scents that I want to knock out (like Japanese Cherry Blossom) and tons of ideas.  I'm prepping for 4 different bazaars coming up.  I worry that I'll give someone a horrific rash with my soap and they'll never come back - or worse, sue my socks off!  I'm of course, on-line auctioning again.  Selling anything that isn't nailed down!

I'm so far behind in my Christmas shopping - I'm usually totally done by now.  I have finished Jacob's birthday and have started stashing things here and there for Christmas.  I shouldn't say that I'm so far behind...I've been gathering for the few gifts I do put together and adding my little homemade touches here and there.  Then I remembered that we also have a preschool teacher to gift for this year.  Add another to the list!  :)

Our family pictures turned out very well, and you'll see them with your Christmas cards this year.

I too, am looking forward to this time off next week.  Jacob wants to go to the zoo and my husband promised to take me out on a date...without a kid...without a dog.  Ah, the little things!

First Day of Preschool!

He started out well...excited to start school and enjoying his pancakes.

Until he found out he had to wear jeans. This was in the car on the way.

(Jacob did calm down once we got to the school and I did take 1 picture of him with a friend but, 4 other kids and their faces were in the picture so I can't post it.  He went in to the school, got in line, looked back and said "Mommy?", I waved, and on he went.  Thankfully, another mom was right next to me, I know her and I didn't want her to see me cry!  I managed to hold it together to the car.  Then Daddy and I went for foo-foo coffee.  I worked on my to-do list and Big Daddy-O took a nap!)

But, he must have enjoyed himself because this is the kid that we picked up!

He won't tell us much.  He said he built a tractor with a thing behind it.  He said he learned a new song and was singing "Adios...".  He told me that he didn't play with any boys and he didn't play with Sara (his friend from daycare).  And that he went potty twice.   He did say that they read a book (won't tell me anything about it) and they went for a walk...again no details.

Apparently what happens in preschool stays in preschool!

Following the Light

I've written many times about my struggles with my faith and I think I've finally come to the place I needed to be.  I think I've finally come around.  I think I've finally come to terms with infertility, my place and my plan.  I think I've finally learned that this isn't my game, I don't make the rules, I need to go where I am guided.  Some days it will be tough, some days, as easy as pie!  I think I've found my light!

I'm going back to the church.  Our little local church.  I'm going back because I need to go back.  I need the connection.

I'm going back to this church better than I was before.  By "better" I mean, with an open heart, with a joyous heart.  I'm going to be more involved more of a participant, open and willing.  I'm going to volunteer my time and my talents. I'm going to give without looking back.  I'm going to help with suppers, and cook for funerals, and put forth one heck of an effort!

This time, I'm doing this because I need it.  Because my soul needs it.  Because my spirit is craving it.  Before I did it because it was something I was just supposed to do.  It didn't matter my personal struggles or my anger with God.  I was supposed to join a church.  Now, I feel myself being drawn into it - like a bee to hot beeswax!  (my kitchen was over run with bees the day I made those candles!)

I want Jacob to have the pride in me for my service to my church, to my Lord, the pride that I have for my Dad.  I want him to shout "that's my church!" when we pass by.  I want him to enjoy the stories of Jesus that I was taught in Sunday school.  I want to sing the songs I was taught in my church with my son.

10/10/10 (how's that for a milestone?) - we'll be back in our seats, attending our church service.  Jacob will go to his first Sunday School.  There will be tears in my eyes many times that Sunday - not of sadness but, of knowing.  Knowing that I'm doing the right thing and knowing that my Dad is smiling down on us.  Thanks Dad - you can stop pushing me, I got it!

A trip to the Apple Orchard - 2010

All this talk of Soul in the Season (thanks Kate - I needed a reminder), I needed to get going with some special things I wanted to do this fall.  Saturday afternoon, we headed out to Fennville to Crane's U-Pick.  Now this place is pretty plain.  No corn mazes, no little rides for the kids, no little store selling expensive apple everything (that's across the street and was sooo packed they were parking on the sides of the highway!  It's a very busy highway...and with a little Jacob, I just couldn't chance it! Maybe next year.)  

My little apple picker!  And just in case there might be a fire...he's prepared.

Does that look like 31 pounds of apples?

Helping to open the caramels.

Our caramel apples!

We stopped in a little dive bar on our way home (because the restaurant at the OTHER orchard was so packed).  I always loved it when my Dad took me to the bar when I was little.  I always felt so privileged - being in a place that was normally just for adults.  We all split a little deep fried basket of heart-attack and some pop.

I also had to share my latest creation with you too because candles always remind me of fall, maybe because I associate them with warmth.  These are 100% beeswax.  They smell fantastic!



P.S.  - I'll be back soon with previews of our family pictures as well as Jacob's first day of pre-school!

Michigan Fireman's Memorial Festival - 2010

We thought it'd be fun to take our fire truck/station/fighter obsessed child for a little trip up to Roscommon, MI for the Michigan Firemen's Memorial Festival.  All I can say is WOW!  We saw a lotta fire trucks!

 
We also took a little ride past Camp Grayling.  A doe and her twins were having a late dinner.

Saturday morning, we drove back into Roscommon for the Firemen's Memorial Festival Parade.  As we were coming into town, the fire engines were lining up on the side of the road.  We saw the numbers from # 38 all the way up to #1.

Camp Grayling sent in one of their trucks.  It was really cool!

My poor fire engine lover!  He'd had enough of all of the sirens and horns during the parade.  I finally sat down with him and put my hands over his ears so he could at least enjoy the parade.  A boy next to us was sharing his candy with Jacob as he wouldn't let me take my hands of of his ears!  Toward the end, this momma just wanted to yell "ENOUGH with the DANG sirens already!".  Thankfully, our Daddy-O video taped the parade and I think Jacob has watched it non-stop since!

After the parade we drove out to the actual memorial.  We found a few local firefighter's names.  It always humbles me to think of those folks who are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice  - police, firefighters, soldiers - for me, for us.  It takes a special human being to put themselves in harm's way - and 'thank you' never seems like enough.