Milestones

This past year 2008/2009 has sure presented it's challenges. And, I'm sorry I've been such a roller coaster. I have a couple more dips to get through...though I can't promise it'll all be sunshine and roses on the other side as I'm sure I'll fall in the shit more times than we can count but, I wouldn't be the same old stubborn me if I didn't. I'm just looking to getting out from under this cloud of grief that keeps chasing me.

I have some great milestones that I keep - Jacob's first laugh, his first steps, his first word, all those things from his first year, they're all written down in his baby book. Jeremy and I are always talking about how much progress Jacob has made in his speech and development. Even the SPD (sensory processing disorder) has seemed to calm down. So many great milestones for him and they're all wonderful memories. His 4th birthday is creeping up and we'll make even more.

Jeremy and I had our 7 year anniversary this past year. 8 years since we met. I'm looking forward to 10 years coming up too.

I have these other milestones though. Milestones that I don't have to write down for they keep haunting me and kicking me in the ass. I don't like them. I don't like the thought that soon - 10 years will have passed since the last time I saw my father's smile. I don't like knowing that will soon be 10 years ago when I sat in my friend Joe's parent's kitchen listening to the details of his suicide. It's incredibly sad that 25 years have passed since the morning I last spoke to my sister. I look at my life and I think of everything these people are missing. Then I wonder if they're truly missing it or are they here beside me, pushing me through the rough spots. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just afraid I'll forget them. (You know - I was typing about Joe and I got this strange warm feeling on the side of my leg, like when someone is sitting right up next to you. I'm sitting at my desk, in my cubicle, alone, and it's almost cold in here. I often get that feeling when I think of him - and ALWAYS if I have a dream about him and only in my right leg!)

I have experienced so much loss and I've always tried to be strong, to not make grief a visible part of me. I tell Jeremy all the time, that unless you have experienced loss and grief you cannot comprehend it. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I have ever done - ever experienced. It's hard enough to manage through it when it happens and when these milestones come around it's as if you're grieving the loss all over again.

I mostly wanted to thank you guys (I can't say 'and ladies' it sounds too corny) for being here. I want you to know that I consider myself blessed to have connected with each of you. I'm always thankful you're here to share a laugh or a tear - sometimes a tear brought by a laugh. Thanks for helping me through all of these milestones. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know!

Happy Father's Day/Happy Birthday!

I didn't want to celebrate birthday #36. Jeremy, Jacob, and I are having a nice dinner later tonight (T-bone steaks and king crab legs) with a cake that Jeremy and Jacob baked for me. I've cried a lot on the way here. I knew coming in that today was going to be tough. I knew I didn't want to share this day outside of my home. As I get older, I want to share it less and less. I'm content to stay home, have my birthday with my family and let Jeremy have his day as Jacob's dad, while I remember, and I can cry the tears I have and miss my father.

My dad and I always enjoyed having my birthday and Father's Day so close together but we both thought it extra special when it worked out on the same day (like this year) so we could share the day. I'd go to visit him for Father's Day and I'd peek around the door frame and call out "Happy Father's Day!" and his eyes would sparkle and he'd give me his biggest, deepest dimple smile with his laugh, and he'd call back "And Happy Birthday!" I remember his smile and I can still hear his voice. Some years, my sister Karen and her kids would meet Dad and I with a cake. Some years, he'd just fill me in on who had called or come to visit. I loved sharing that time with my dad.

My dad had the BEST smile. You could always see it start. First a tiny spark - really, you could see the flash - that turned to a little twinkle in his deep brown eyes. Then his dimples would get deeper. Those dimples - he had the deepest dimples I have ever seen. They were always there though - even if he wasn't smiling. Finally, one side would pull up, then the other and there it was. He always tried to hold back a laugh when he smiled. I find that I do the same thing.

My dad was always SO proud of his kids. When I'd visit, and the nurse would come to check him or someone would pop in to say hello, my dad's eyes would get that sparkle, the corners of his mouth would turn again as he began to smile and he'd say "This is the baby, here's #6, or this is Gail Ann." It was always one of the three, hmm, sometimes all three.

It was hard for me to have a relationship with my dad. I never knew him when he wasn't sick. He left home when I was 8. It was a very complicated situation and I was always disappointed that he never explained or talked to me about it though I do understand why it was the way it was. I spent many years torn between my dad and Edna - not knowing what to believe. Every child wants to trust and believe in their mother...and their father.

It's hard to lose a parent. I was only 26 when I lost my dad. I was still learning who I was, how I was and where I was, and I still had so much growing up to do. He was gone before I knew how sentimental I am and how much my family means to me. I have a lot of guilt for not spending more time with my dad. I wish a lot of things would have been different. Now he's gone and it's too late. I can't change it, I can't undo it, nor can I get the time back.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. We sure miss you today.

100 Random Things about Me

After all, the name of this place is Random Thoughts and I LOVE these goofy things...how appropriate. Some you may know - some you may not and they are in no special order.

1. I have a freakishly long 2nd toe. I mean freakishly long. Like people stare at it.


2. I HATE to go barefoot. Not only because of the toe - I hate the little rocks and stuff.


3. I don't like food on my plate to touch. I'll still eat it, but I prefer it not to touch.


4. I don't like nuts in things. I prefer them by themselves.


5. I had an imaginary friend that lived in a tree. His name was Brian A*. (I can't tell you his last name as that person does truly exist and I do know him now but, I didn't when he was my 'friend'.)


6. My Grandfather (Edna's Dad) was once a personal body guard for Henry Ford. My dad's dad was a mailman.
   
7. I believe in ghosts. I have never seen a ghost.


8. I'm afraid of the dark.


9. I have been engaged thrice, married once.


10. Once when Edna and I spent the night at her parents, the bed broke and we crashed to the floor.


11. I get sick if I eat Chinese buffet. I can eat Chinese just not from the buffet.


12. I never met my father's parents.
    
13. I HATE summer! Yes, I like the snow.


14. I lived in the same house from birth until I was 21. Edna still lives there.


15. I had an imaginary black cat, named Maude that I used to 'kick' out our slider door.


16. My favorite color is butter yellow.


17. I only like movies that could really happen.


18. I don't like slapstick funny movies or shows.


19. I have never watched an entire episode of SNL. Nope, not even one.


20. I still have the birth certificate from my Cabbage Patch Kid and I still have the doll. Bessie Clarice.


21. Pizza is my favorite. I like most everything on pizza. I don't like fish on pizza or specialty pizza - i.e. taco pizza.


22. I do like BBQ Chicken Pizza.


23. I'm learning to like fish.


24. I do not like Mexican Food. It's too bland. (tacos or enchiladas are an exception)


25. My first ever 'boyfriend' was named Jeremy.


26. I have eaten goat.


27. I have eaten turtle.


28. I have eaten snails.


29. I don't care to bake it's too precise.


30. I'm afraid of thunderstorms.


31. I would kill for anything made with rhubarb! Really, I would.


32. Cherries are another fave.


33. I used to eat celery stuffed with white bread with BBQ sauce on it. I don't anymore.


34. Jacob is named after the guy who introduced Jeremy and I.


35. Jeremy and I met on a blind date.


36. I can wiggle my ears.


37. I always watch the washing machine fill up for my first load of laundry - I don't know why.


38. I was 9lbs. 15 1/2 oz. and 22 inches when I was born.


39. I drink pickle juice.


40. My sister-in-law (and sometimes my sisters) save the black olives off of relish trays for me at family dinners. They put them in little baggies for me to take home.


41. My sister-in-law (brother's wife) has been my sister-in-law longer than she hasn't. And both of my brother-in-laws have been brother-in-laws longer than they haven't. Actually, I remember Cindy before she met Ron but, I don't remember Karen without Mike.


42. I cannot dance. At all. I don't try.


43. I don't like the smell after it rains. It smells like dead worms.


44. I don't wear nail polish.


45. I have only painted my toenails 1 time!


46. I don't eat pizza crust or pie crust - bread butts either!


47. Edna wanted to name me Beth.


48. I once fell off a horse - slid right off - down his butt and landed in the middle of my Grandma's road. My sister Valerie soon followed a little further down the same road.


49. I was a cheerleader in either 5th or 6th grade.


50. My earliest memory is eating the sugar Snoopy off of my first birthday cake.


51. I collect nostalgic tins - like old candy tins.


52. I have worked for the same company for 13 years.


53. White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha is my favorite Starbucks.


54. I rarely wear sandals. Partly the long toe thing, mostly I just don't like them.


55. I didn't want to change my last name when I got married. I liked my old name.


56. I can crochet - even the lacy doilies, but I cannot knit.


57. I can do counted cross-stitch too.


58. I kept every card and letter from my friend Emily.
    
59. I have 5 email addresses.


60. I only wear Nike sneakers.


61. My left ear is pierced 5 times. The right only 2.


62. I have no interest in hockey.


63. I'm a yellow gold jewelry wearer. I can't wear fake though. I break out.


64. My favorite sandwich is a turkey Reuben.


65. I don't typically order something new at a restaurant for fear I won't like it.


66. I am not a pack-rat.


67. Jeremy and I were married at 10:00 on a Tuesday morning.


68. After getting married, we went snorkeling.


69. I'm terrified of heights but, I enjoy flying in an airplane.


70. I have been out on the Pacific Ocean in a U.S. Coast Guard RHI and out on Lake Michigan in a U.S. Coast Guard 24 footer - just for fun.


71. I have been inside the lighthouse in Manistee and all the way to the top.


72. I refuse to take a cruise. I'm haunted by the RMS Titanic.


73. I'm very interested in the Titanic and the S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald.


74. I have crossed Lake Michigan on the S.S. Badger and I threw up while boarding. It's kinda high and those steps are on the outside.


75. I have never had a surgery.


76. I have never broken a bone.


77. I have a perma bruise on the bridge of my nose that shows up when I'm tired. I got hit really hard by an accidental elbow - but it wasn't broken.


78. My ears turn bright red when I'm angry.


79. I stammer when I have something I really exciting I want to say.


80. I cannot say bench or goose correctly. I say binch and geewse.


81. I don't like chocolate birthday cake.


82. My cousin once tried to drown me in Perch Lake - down the road from my Grandma's.


83. I say 'soda' but write 'pop'.


84. I prefer Pepsi to Coke, Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi and I like either/or if Cherry.


85. I disliked my friend Jeannie over throwing some ice. That was 15 years ago!


86. I have a bad habit of licking my lips so they're constantly chapped. I've always had this habit.


87. I have 2 tattoos.


88. I spend almost $1,000,000.00 every month. Sometimes more, sometimes less.


89. Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street, I called them Ert & Bernie when I was little.


90. I wear a size 10 shoe. That's the only size I'm telling you.


91. I have had glasses since 4th grade. Contact lenses since 9th grade. And I can't see anything without either of them.


92. When driving, I always plan my route so I don't backtrack and to minimize left turns.


93. I had 3 turtles that lived in a tub under our deck. Their names were Henry, Herman, and Todd.


94. I watched a mommy cow deliver a calf. I got to name the calf. I called him Mikey.


95. Asparagus is my favorite vegetable.


96. I like cranberry sauce as opposed to gravy on my turkey or chicken.


97. Salt & Vinegar are my favorite chips.


98. I have a little German blood...I love me some sauerkraut.


99. I don't like roller coasters.


100. I believe that Ketchup is it's own food group.

Whew! Have a great weekend!

Mystery Solved!

On my front porch, I have some flowerpots with a spike, some pansies, and another little flower. The other night, I was talking to Jeremy and he asked me who squashed my flowers on the left of the porch. He said the spike was bent and all the flowers were flat. I went out and looked and sure enough, everything was flattened and broken off. It looked like someone had sat on the pot (haha).

Now, last winter, our new neighbor admitted to the other neighbor that he'd had a little trouble finding his way home in a drunken stupor and spent part of the early morning hours sitting on our front porch. I thought, for certain he'd had a repeat performance.

I watered my poor squished plants and they were just starting to perk up again.

Jeremy called me at work and said he'd found out what happened to my plants.

He walked out the front door and there was my sweet Jacob with a broom, beating my flowerpot like an old rug.

Those perky plants - are now flat again...

Hi, my name is Gail and I am an addict.

This spring Pepsi threw out some new promotional products. I normally hate these things. I normally don't try them for fear I will fall in L O V E with something I can't have anymore. I obviously went against my own rules and tried the Mountain Dew throwback and now, I can't stop. They released this on April 20 for only 8 weeks. By my calculations, and I'm not good with math - they were done releasing...yesterday! It's true.

Our little store up the hill no longer sells this.

Our little grocery store no longer sells them.

Our little gas station is out.

The little gas station in Burnips only had Pepsi throwback.

Wal*Mart is out.

On Saturday, when I went to pick up Jacob, I stopped at a little Mom & Pop corner shop to check. They had 'em! I bought 6 - 20 oz. bottles. Cost me $9.04 out the door!!

Today, I brought one of my stash to work and put it in the boss' little fridge. I went to our coffee shop to replace my coffee that Jeremy lovingly prepared for me this AM but was sooo strong, I dumped it on the front lawn on my way into work. Anyway - I noticed they had Mountain Dew throwbacks in their cooler!! I bought a new one and left mine in the fridge. Ahh another day for a throwback!

I did try the Pepsi throwback and I didn't care much for it. It didn't seem to have much flavor. The Dew Throwback, on the other hand, lost the syrupy thickness from the high fructose corn syrup and regained the citrus flavor I remember as a kid. I think regular Mountain Dew now is rather bland. Though Pepsi went back to the 70's/80's taste for the throwbacks and I'm sure most of you weren't old enough to remember Mountain Dew then. Buncha kids drinking my throwbacks and they don't even know what it's all about! ;)

I'm about ready to go to the ATM and withdraw enough cash to buy the entire stock from the coffee ladies. I'm telling you at $1.25 per bottle - I could buy eight bottles for $10 - that's a much better deal than Mom & Pop's shop gave me! If this stuff can make me do math - I have a problem. Help!

Anyone have the 12 step program handy? Anyone? Bueller?

"I pull a airpwane!"

Sunday night, Jacob and I went on our "tour". We saw the City Police, the Sheriffs, we went out to see the ambulances then headed to "Donald's" for supper and to the airport for a picnic.

Have I told you that I LOVE our little city!?!

We got to the airport and there were 5 planes tied down. We watched one take off right away. I spread out our blanket by the parking lot as there was a plane in our usual spot. We ate and watched 2 more planes go out, including the plane in our spot. Of course, we moved over.

Jacob and I sat on our blanket and watched 3 more planes take off and we heard parachutes open! "Mommy! Wook! I see them!" as 3 skydivers came down. We watched them take off again and jump...again. It was a beautiful clear day and you could hear the conversation between the jumpers.

The skydiver plane came in for fuel (our spot is fairly close to the fuel pumps) so we watched him fill up and another plane came in behind him and was waiting his turn. The guy in the 2nd plane came over to talk to us. I believe he is the airport manager. He'd seen us there a few times and was curious. He told us about the skydivers and when they jump, he also told us about the Fly-in next weekend, we were planning to go anyway, and he answered a lot of questions I had. The Fly-in is like an airshow on the ground - and they'll be giving plane rides for a small fee. They have a pancake breakfast, concessions, etc.

He also let us know that it was okay for us to come there and picnic and stuff - I was a little concerned about trespassing/being in the way. This guy also gave us permission to go down where the skydivers land, if we want to.

The guy invited Jacob over to check out his plane. Jacob stood on the wing and looked inside. Then, then, THEN, the guy had to move his plane up to the fuel pump and rather than start it up and taxi the few feet, they have a little bar - looks like a wagon handle that hooks to the front wheel to pull the plane. The guy took the right side and Jacob took the left and he helped pull the airplane! Oh, he was so excited!

Of course, I was without a camera...

You know, we really are blessed to live where we live. The people in our community constantly amaze me with extra efforts they take to put a smile on a little boy's face. I LOVE this place!

Just an addition to how awesome they are.... Jacob and I were taking a walk through town and one of our City Ploice officers drove by and waved at Jacob. We continued on our walk and decided to go to the park next to the police station. While walking there the same police officer pulled into the driveway and called out to us. "Hey", I turned around to see him. We walked toward him, "I have something you might like" with that, he pulls out a sticker that is in the shape of a police badge. Now, mind you, that gesture in itself although nice, doesn't come across as extroardinary. What impressed me was that we didn't know he was back there, he could have just parked and gone in and we would not have known. He went out of his way to put a smile on Jacob's face. - Jeremy

Princess?

"Mommy? What these?"

"Panties"

"I wear them?"

"Sure"

"I take my pants off first." And Jacob removes the bottoms of his blue baseball jammies and proceeds to put both of his legs through one leg hole and pulls up the panties.

"I show Daddy."

Picks up a towel and drapes it over his head. "I a princess!"

I tried to get the camera - I really tried!

Fun Stuff

I figured after my last post, the one nobody wanted to touch with a 10 foot pole (it's okay, I wouldn't have either), I'd give you something fun today.

I have a new list of Jacob-isms!

"Fr Fr Fr Fr Fr" = Cement Mixer

"Fighter Fighter Fighter Fighter" = Fire Fighter

"Cupcake" = Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

"Feggi" = SpaghettiOs

"soaped" = soaked, as in wet

"Ticket" = Paper money or coupons

"My song" = The receipt the lady gave him for paying my SPEEDING ticket!

"Big Guy" = Chevy Tahoe equipped for law enforcement

"Black Guy" (nice, I know - wait until he's hollering about it out in front of the county court house on a Thursday afternoon) = Black Chevy Tahoe parked at the Sheriff's department with a red light bar on the top.

"Old Guy" = Old police car with its decals and lights removed.

"Motorcar" = any older, loud, hot rod type car or truck.

"Picker" = A bucket truck - we called them 'Cherry Pickers' where I come from.

He's also started taking a "showder" with us. We've now learned to put the mat in the tub as both Jeremy and I have picked JJ up from a fall saving his head. I do have to say, mine was a little more acrobatic - I caught JJ as he was sliding through my legs. You think those wet and soapy babies are tough to hang on to - try a lathered up toddler that can't stand still!

The other night we had "popfickels". He looked at me "Mommy? This popfickel is wishous!"

Yesterday, JJ and Daddy were playing Play-Doh. "Daddy, I making an elephant, help me! I do it myself."

This morning as we were getting ready for the day, "Mommy, big boys pee on the pottie, not on the floor." (I'm not sure where this came from, he's never peed on the floor). "That's right!"

Remember - JJ's 3 1/2 now - and he's right about crotch height - he walks up to me one morning, sniffing and says "Mommy? I sniff you?" and dives toward me...

I hope you're all laughing and at least one of you shot some sort of beverage out your nose. Have a great day!

Unprepared

In the three years we've been Jacob's parents, my most feared words have always been, "You're not my real mom." I've said this before and many of you know this. I've worked on many answers for him, many conversations to have with him. I had prepared the best I could.

A month or so ago, Jeremy and I were at the park with Jacob. Jeremy was pushing our boy on the swing and I was watching from a bench on the side. Sometimes, I like to sit quietly and witness their father and son time. This park was built on donations from the community and it's built to be a castle with a stockade type fence around it. As a fundraiser during the planning/building, one could purchase the slats in the fence and have a name carved into your slat. I was watching the boys and there in the very back corner, to the right, a single slat with one little name caught my eye. I got up from the bench to get a closer look. Yep. I was seeing what I thought I saw. Kelsey. It was all alone. Plain as day. Kelsey. I looked toward Jeremy with huge tears in my eyes. Tears that only a husband to infertility can know. We had planned to name our daughter Kelsey. Kelsey Elisabeth. A daughter that isn't likely to come. At that moment it slapped me in the face that I wasn't able to give my husband a daughter. Or even another son. This is it. Just the three of us.

In what I have experienced with our infertility, what I have read, and what I have witnessed, we women, take all the responsibility. We take the failure. We feel an overwhelming guilt because we can't give our husbands the children we feel they deserve. We women, fail at the one thing a woman can do that a man can't. The one true reason we're here and we can't do it, we can't bear a child. Our husband's genetics are not passed on. We feel worse about that than anything else. I know I have tried on many occasion to convince Jeremy that he'd be better without me. He'd be better, happier with a woman who could do what I can't. A woman who can give him children.

Yesterday afternoon, Jacob and I were watching TV. Some commercial came on with a baby. Jacob looked at me "Mommy? I need a baby. From you. For me. Please?"

At that moment, I felt like the absolute, most inadequate, useless, disappointing mother - ever! How was I going to explain to him now - that I can't give him a baby either? I still can't explain it to his father, or even myself. I'd never prepared for this...

**We chose Kelsey because we liked it. We chose Elisabeth as it's a family name. My niece is Elisabeth Ann, (Ann after me) with the 'S'. Edna's mother was Elizabeth as is Edna's sister, another Elizabeth Ann - my Aunt Betty. It's also Jeremy's Grandma Harper, Wilda Elizabeth.

Picture Geek

I found a website yesterday about planning celebrations/weddings in my old hometown. They had links for caterers, bartenders, limos, of course photographers. So if you know me, you know, I had to go and check them out. One was pretty good and I was really impressed - Alway Photography, I'm now following their blog - you can check them out if you want. The other, is my hero, Photography by Ron. I've always been impressed by the moments he captures (since I was a kid). I was thinking last night, while looking at every single shot he has posted on his site (and a bunch of shots posted on another 'professional photographers' site that shall remain nameless - I can't believe someone PAID good money for those!), "I could do this. I really could do this! And I could like it!"

I've posted a few pics to Flickr that I've managed to catch here and there. Of course, Jacob is my best subject! I do find it very difficult to find time to walk, point, click, and chase Jacob while most of the time, Daddy is working. I am amazed at the difference a good camera makes in the pictures I do take. And I often wonder what I'll find in yet a more expensive/functional camera. Sorry Jeremy - you asked what I'd want next and I said, "Nothing, I think I'll be happy with this for awhile." - I think I may have lied. But, I promise, I'll stick with what I have until I can make money taking pictures - how's that?!!?

I haven't told you that I am very happy with my D60 and the images I've found with it. Very Happy! My only disappointment is I wish I would have gotten another bigger lens. It came with the standard 18-55 that I rarely use, and I purchased a 55-200 that I love but, now find myself wanting something to get me just a little bit closer. I like that I could use my D60 straight out of the box. I love that the battery lasts a long, long, very long time (I haven't recharged since I bought it - and even left it 'on' for 2 days). I am currently looking for a tripod and the remote is on it's way too. I know with each piece I add, I'm getting closer to where I want to be.

Speaking of closer. I also got a new book Nikon D60 for Dummies. Once I learn what the camera is capable of, I know I'll be even more comfortable.

I'll talk about taking pictures, I'll take classes, and read books but, you know, whether I get better or my pictures are always sucky, I don't think I'll ever consider myself a photographer. I'll settle for Picture Geek though.

No more fish

I'm sorry to inform you, Howard, the serial killer fish, has died. We found him lying on the red rocks in the bottom of his tank yesterday morning. Visitation will not follow. Flushing has already taken place.

He was a pretty fish with a fluffy, yellow tail. We fed him, he swam. Maybe we should have changed his water...though it wasn't cloudy and gross or even stinky. Maybe he was lonely...then he shouldn't have killed his friends. Whoops!

Did you know that people actually take their dead fish back to the store for a refund...? Really! They do! Could you imagine!?! Um...yeah, I killed my $1.99 goldfish and now I want my money back. Unbelievable.

I think we're done with fish.

How about a dog!?!