White foot project: Complete!

This is what I was doing when I painted both of my feets.



My sister gifted the mum in its little basket to me when she was here. My brother gave me the chair but, it wasn't really safe for sitting so I painted it. I'd been planning to redo the house numbers for some time and was originally going to cover the numbers in river pebbles - I like this look better.

Check-Up

Jacob had his 6 month check-up with the ENT (for his tubes) this morning. Doc said they looked pretty good. He had to dig out some wax in both ears. The right ear was worse than the left and Doc was concerned about the wax plugging the tube. Doc ended up making the ear bleed a little bit while cleaning it out. Jacob was a little squirmy. We have to do drops again for a few days until it heals up.

Doc is also having us come back every four months for a recheck rather than every six months to prevent the excessive build-up. We also have to do drops for a few days before the next appointment to moisten the ear to make cleaning easier.

The Doc asked us if we thought Jacob was hearing any better. I'm certain he is for the fact that he's such a little repeater. He's added more words since I last posted. Grandpa, over, clue, red, green, a drink, light, on, off, onies (macaroni), not hot, and I'm sure there's more. It's so great to see the progress!

Word Explosion!

I don't know if it's the new speech therapist or he's just ready to talk now but Jacob is just saying all kinds of new things. Honestly, he says something new everyday. Daddy keeps saying he doesn't say "L". I keep telling Daddy "it's perfectly normal, most kids have trouble with L."

Jacob now says:

I play
I bump - just this morning and he laughs every time
help
home
three
five
eight
move
Alex - the speech therapist
ear
snake
zoo

He'll repeat the letters of the alphabet and numbers. He's also repeating most anything you ask him to or at least trying to. Big Da and I, we hang on every word! Everyone keeps telling me "once he gets going you'll wish he'd shut up". No, I don't think so. He has the sweetest little voice, every word out of his mouth is music to my ears. Hmm, except for in the car when he says "momma, momma, momma?", I say "what?" and he points to Jeremy and says "Big Da!". He knows it bugs the hell out of me and so he keeps doing it, over and over. Or when just Jacob and I are home and he chants "Big Da!" until he goes to bed. Yeah, those moments are a little annoying but, it's still such a relief, knowing he's almost 3, and finally speaking!

The absolute best though:

"Jacob, say 'I'"
"I"
"Love"
"Wuv"
"You"
"YOU!"

In other news, I only have one white foot now. My right foot is back to normal but, the left still has a way to go. Jacob saw the painted feet last night and said "EEEUW!" then started picking at the paint which only tickled and didn't remove any paint. I have one more coat to spray on the chair and a wooden plaque to paint this weekend. I'll post picks when I'm done with this project.

Odd. So very odd.

I bought tickets to the Michigan vs. Toledo game on October 11. Jeremy and I had decided to sell the tickets for the fact that it's $100 for the tickets, $30 for parking and God only knows what for gas, plus the food and drinks at the game. It's just too expensive for now with his surgery coming up and all. We also decided that if we could sell the tickets, that'd be great, if not, we'll just go - have one last date before he dies in surgery. I made one last ditch effort to sell the tickets on Tuesday.

I called John.

I left a simple message: "Hey, it's Gail. I'm not trying to be weird or creepy or anything. I have 2 Michigan tickets that I need to get rid of. They're the same seats we had when you and I went before. IF you want them, call my cell phone XXX-XXX-XXXX. If I DON'T hear from you, I will assume you do NOT want them. Thanks." No big deal, so I thought.

My cell phone rang yesterday at exactly 4:30PM. Now remember - this is a new phone. A company phone. The only people in Manistee who have the # are Edna, my sister, and I think Lori and Jeannie - now John. The number calling was a Manistee #.

I answered: "Hello, this is Gail"
"Who am I speaking to?" she asked
"Gail, who am I speaking to?"
*clunk* she hung up

Of course, I did a reverse look-up on the number. An unlisted business on Magill St. in Manistee. I went to another desk here and called the number. I got a recording that said "Thank you" then a bunch of beeping - sounded like dialing - like I was being forwarded. I hung up.

I don't think he married again. Last I knew he had a girlfriend. She was more his own age - older than I. This sounded like a young girl. Then again, he's 21 years older than me, so obviously age doesn't matter to him. But, I think my phone call sure mattered to someone.

And by the way - Don't ever spray paint a chair in your basement while barefoot. You'll end up with the bottoms of your feet all white and spray paint doesn't just 'wash off'. Especially when one uses Rust-Oleum to paint a wooden chair. You also get a dustedly white floor with footprints in it. Painted feet feel really funny in shoes and socks.

On to fun things...

Sleeping on the floor in the den with the St. Louis Cardinals pillow and blanket while wearing Detroit Tigers jammies (what a fan!?!) - complete with his hand in his pants. Thatta boy!

BTW - look at his toe...


And a new big boy haircut.

Update: Little Harper's Surgery

I have some updates on my friend's nephew:

Surgery Day
Posted Sep 15, 2008 11:13pm

"In about 7 hours we will be on our way to Detroit Children's Hospital for the placement of Harper's "life-line". Pray for our baby...lets all be hopeful and trusting.

I appreciate your words of encouragement and find a great deal of comfort in the clickity-clack of my computer keyboard so thank you.

P.S.Harper is a wild man...he is rambunctious and laughing...seemingly unaware that cancer is a part of his world at this point...lets pray that his resilience continues! And Tatum...she is my princess - God bless her too! "

And:

All is well...
Posted 23 hours ago

"Chemotherapy has been underway for several days now and as you can imagine our little spokesman for resilience is having nothing but a good time. He is laughing and playing with all the same energy and blissful ignorance as before. We have had the best play dates with fellow patients Savannah (age 5) and Morgan (almost 6)...Harper and I really miss playing with Tatum so it has truly been a blessing to bond with these girls.

The boy has 3 days left of his therapy, after that we wait for his counts to bottom out and then recover once again...I am so proud of what my baby has gone through and with such dignity - Way to go Harper!

We anticipate a consultation with Detroit regarding the details of transplant and donor specifics...I guess the doctors are refreshing the donor search to see if any new cord blood has become available in the registry. So any new details will be posted as they come in.

Less we forget...my dear Tatum is running things at home and doing a fine job from what I gather. She is keeping dad in line when it comes to Friday folders and fundraisers for school, and most importantly she is happy. She also enjoyed a play date with four of her girlfriends yesterday thanks to my girlfriends' thoughtfulness.
God Bless. "

"Awww...Woo-wie"

My sister, Karen (#2) and her shih-tzu, Louie (or Woo-wie, if you ask Jacob) came and spent the weekend with us. Jacob had a great time with them. They read books, they walked Louie, they played with cars, they played at the park in Saugatuck. And they both loved every minute!

I came downstairs this morning, Jacob met me at the bottom, "Woo-wie?". I said, "No, honey, Louie went home." He walked behind me nodding his little head saying, "home". I had hoped to get a pic of Jacob and his new friend but, well...kids and dogs - need I say more?

It was great to spend time with my sister. She helped me solve a few craft issues while she was here. I showed her a beautiful, lacy, afghan that I'm working (started pre-Jacob)...and all my other projects. My sisters are always making something. They knit, crochet, quilt, sew, cook, bake, paint and well...you name it, they can do it. I'm working on a new address sign for the house made with river pebbles. Karen and I saw them at the art fair in Manistee. Karen is on to faux chenille scarves for the church bazaar. I can't wait to see how our projects turn out!

I'm actually tempted to go home the weekend of the church bazaar that Karen is prepping for. It's at the church where we grew up. When I was younger and still at home, Karen and I would usually go to it together. I miss that church - I haven't found one even close. I mean, our church is okay - I guess, my problem is - it's not the church that my dad chose. It's not what he would have wanted. Anyway, they turn the whole gymnasium into this bazaar. They have different booths, Christmas, flowers, antiques, etc. with a luncheon that has the BEST German potato salad - well, it used to, I think the lady who made it died. Anyway, I sent Karen home with my crafting leftovers as a contribution to the bazaar.

Thanks for coming to see us Aunt Karen. We had a great time with you! We were so glad to have you and glad to feed and take care of you for a change. We promise to get up there this fall for a visit. I'm looking forward to seeing how those scarves come out. Jacob will be looking forward to seeing 'woo-wie'!

Happy Birthday Em!!

Boy - do I feel like a dope - I talked to you earlier and I 'duh'ed. I just wrote the date and realized what I was missing! I'm so sorry!

I saw this the other day and it made me think of you:

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that gentle hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." — George Eliot

That's you, that's what you do. You are a kind, gentle, and generous soul. I'm glad to count you among my friends.

Happy Birthday Ember!

Goodbye Diego/Hello Thomas!

Diego is no longer an interest for our young lad. We've graduated to the "choo-choo" phase. Actually, we've graduated to the Thomas the Train phase. Daddy and Mommy are now rethinking Halloween, a birthday, and Christmas to incorporate some 'choo-choo' into them. I still have to tell Santa Claus about the change as soon as we figure out if we want to go the Take-Alongs route or the Trackmasters - I have no clue what the hell the difference is! Price, I'm sure! I see a visit to Toys R Us in the near future.

You know, Jacob might just be happy with a white SUV that he can call 'Shaun' for Christmas. Every white SUV that passes him is 'Shaun' anyway, followed by 'woo-woo-woo', which is the universal call of any ambulance, fire truck, police car and white SUV. It's also a piercing 'woo-woo-woo'. My ears hurt just posting about it!

Bookclubs: What I have learned

I had joined a book club with some friends and though I like the idea of a bunch of friends reading and talking about books, I found that I am better suited to just have friends that read. I'm sorry to say - I quit the book club.

I learned I am not able to continue to or force myself to read a book that hasn't grabbed my interest somewhere between the 2nd and 5th chapter. If it doesn't grab me by then, continuing to read it feels like a chore. I don't want to read if I don't enjoy what I'm reading.

I don't enjoy books that make me think too much. I like to be told a story and escape to that story or lose myself in my imagination. I like to imagine the stage the story is set to. The clothes, the homes, the cars, the people, they only exist in my mind.

I'm more of a 'show me once and let me do it' type person. I don't do well to study or learn a lesson in a book. I don't look at books as a way to enhance my knowledge or make me smart. I just like a good story. Sometimes a lesson might sneak in there too.

I have also learned that I am not good at discussing what I have read. I can tell you if I liked a book or not but, I'm not good at expanding on it. I'm also incredibly shy at times and I get very nervous speaking in front of people. Any people.

Based on these things, I felt it wasn't fair to the others in the book club to be reading the books I had selected, while knowing I couldn't read theirs. I feel a little guilty for not being able to keep on with a book club but at the same time, I felt guiltier about the stacks of books that I have waiting for me at home, my growing book lists, both on Goodreads and at my library, and having to purchase books that I don't want to read - or worse taking the time to read the books I have no interest in reading. I know that's the whole premise of a book club and more how I knew I didn't belong.

I'm not sorry I quit. I guess I feel like I agreed to something, then backed out - and I'm sorry for doing that. I don't mean to come across as the 'I only want to read my own books and no one else's' type, and...Well. Maybe. I guess that is the truth. All the more reason I don't belong.

Posting Fool

Maybe - maybe not, that's what I feel like anyway. There's sooooo much going on with us these days and writing it down seems to be the help the most. I've become almost used to the fact that if anything is going to happen, it's always going to happen to me. I'm not looking for sympathy, solutions, support (though always appreciated), I just need to brain dump.

I don't think I posted this but, Jeremy has a hernia. We've known about it for awhile. It's not the first one he's had (one in high school) and it's not serious. He has the procedure to fix it on Oct. 28. He had his consult with the surgeon this morning. I haven't been involved much in the process or gone to the appointments. He and I usually take care of our individual things on our own. I have no idea why but, I've been having a really hard time with this surgery. I don't take the word 'surgery' lightly. I hear it and I get instantly terrified - not that I've ever had a surgery before. I guess, it's always been Jeremy on this side, taking care of me. He's always been my support, my leaning post. This is the first time it's been him who's broken. He's my best friend, my partner, my...everything and it scares me to no end to think of a moment without him. I have to be his leaning post and not that I don't want to, not that I can't - it's...I don't know what it is. Scared to see him incapacitated? A little. Scared something will go horribly wrong? Definitely. Scared to be left alone with a small child to raise? Yes but, I can do it. Scared to be without him? Absolutely! But none of those things are really IT.

I feel like a big dope. I can't talk to Jeremy without bawling. I know that's not helping him. I know it's not going to help him. I know it's not going to help me. I haven't much talked to him about the details, recovery, restrictions, etc. - I can't hold myself together long enough. Yet, I can't continue to pretend it's not out there and I can't continue to pretend I'm not scared. I just am.

Thanks Ike!

After 2 solid days of rain, I had to call Jeremy home from work yesterday. We had some water in our basement.

Yes, that's 3 1/2 inches of water and it was cold! In seven years - this is the most water we've had - even more than when our water main broke!

Our basement isn't livable space. Anytime it rains a lot we get water in our basement. There is a channel around the floor that takes the water to a drain under the stairs which flows out into a storm creek in our backyard. The creek normally has about 6 inches of water. Last night it had about 4-5 FEET and had gone down from earlier. When the creek is that high, our drain stops working. Jeremy stopped at Home Depot on his way home from work, bought a pump and we pumped the water out into our sewer trap for a few hours - going down to the basement every 15/30 minutes to clean the filter on the pump. The creek finally went down about 11 PM and our drain started working again. I did see some dry spots down there this morning. Yay!!

Meme: 6 random thoughts about me

I love this kind of thing! Thanks Em.

I spent every summer but one, from when I was 8 until I was 16 on a farm . I baled hay, rode on a tractor, fed cows and chickens. I was attacked by a rooster and stepped in a lot of poop.

I met Jeremy May 12, 2001. We were engaged Oct. 21, 2001 and married April 23, 2002. Edna always said "When you meet the right one, you know." She was right.

I can't drink most alcoholic beverages...anymore. I'm allergic to the sulfites in the alcohol and I break out in mild hives. On a lucky day, I can drink top-shelf but, I'm usually too scared to try for a lucky day.

My brother once put me outside, on our front porch instead of putting me in my bed after I had fallen asleep on the couch. I sat down, indian-style and went back to sleep. A loud car passed, woke me and I rang the doorbell to get back in. Butch got in trouble from my dad.

My brother and sisters used to have me stick my arms, hands, or my fingers into stuff to reach things cuz I was littler (and dumb). I once got my arm stuck in a standing planter of Edna's that one of my other sisters had made in ceramics and they had to break the base of the planter to get me out. I think Edna just found out last year how that planter got broken.

I get choked up during the National Anthem and the Michigan fight song.

The New Speech Therapist - Alex

We met Alex, the new speech therapist yesterday. Jan, our other speech therapist decided to retire.

Jacob was a little shy for Alex, at first. He wouldn't look at him, talk to him, or play with him,until Jacob brought out the trucks. Then, it was smooth like mayonnaise.

I liked Jan but, I really like Alex. I like how he told us things, "I like how JJ repeats.", "That's what we want him to do.", etc. It was comforting to know what he was seeing Jacob do, what things he was looking for. Alex also asked us a lot more questions and gave us more suggestions - like if Jacob mispronounces to repeat and say the word correctly. To have JJ point things out in books and repeat them.

He also explained some of the actions Jacob was doing with Miss Carrie (the OT) and why those things were good for Jacob including what he saw that he liked. Alex took lots of notes - I liked that too!

Alex seemed comfortable with us and with Jacob. He sat on the floor, at one point he was even lying on the floor with JJ reading a book.

Alex will visit us once a week starting next Wednesday. Miss Carrie will continue her weekly visits as well. He's also going to prepare the language testing to see where we go next. 3 is coming too fast - less than 3 months (WOW!). Thankfully, that still gives us about 10 more visits

2008 County Fair

From the fair:

In the firetruck with his friend George.



This horse was HUGE - I'm 5'9" - He's taller than me!

On the carousel with Grandma (Jeremy's mom).

On the combine with Daddy.

Driving the mini-digger.

We had a great time at the fair. We pet the 'baa's', saw lots of 'boo's' (cows), pet a 'sie' (horse) and some 'gies' (pigs). We even saw some 'peep-peeps'. We saw Shaun, George, and the firetrucks. Actually, when JJ saw Shaun's truck he started 'wooo-wooo-wooo' and 'Sha, Sha'! Too cute!

We also saw a fellow that Jeremy's mom knew while at the fair. He said he was there "passing out testaments for the Gideons". What I heard was "doing testing on the idiots". Jeremy found this to be the funniest thing. I thought I'd share with you.

**Check out this link. Far different experience at this year's fair. I forgot JJ was wearing George's hat in last year's post.

More prayers for strength

I don't know if you remember this post or this one about my good friend (from home) Jeannie's great-nephew. I got some news about little Harper...

This came on 9/3:

"Well, those successful blood tests have wavered and life has come crashing down around Brian and I once again.
Harper had a virus around the 16th of August and the oncologist asked that we get a blood panel done just to see...10 days later they asked that we repeat it because his platelets were down from 157 to 98...we repeated the labs on the 26th and his virus was gone so I was hopeful that his counts would appear normal...unfortunately they had not gone up, so we were asked to repeat in another week...that brings us to yesterday - unfortunately his platelets are now at 55 and he is scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy on Thursday.
It is back to one day at a time and that's all we can do. The bone marrow biopsy will take a couple of days if I remember correctly so hopefully we will have the weekend to be a family. The "plan" as I recall would place Harper back at Sparrow for chemotherapy until he was in remission then he would be transported to Detroit Children's Hospital for a bone marrow transplant...a fate that is much to scary for me to discuss until I know for sure what is happening.
Harper is still very playful and happy, he is wild and crazy. I believe the worst part about this time around is that Harper is now more aware of what is happening...he is going to realize that his "life" has been taken away from him...I feel like he will miss his car (a flashy power wheels), his toy room and his sister; he is gonna want to play outside and sit by the fire with mom and dad while sissy roasts marshmallows...its just not fair to take that away from someone that has already been through so much!!!!!
The other piece of this story is that Tatum had her first day of kindergarten yesterday...bittersweet it was as I will not be there to pick her up and drop her off everyday like I had envisioned...She too is resilient and will take care of things just as she sees fit...again...one day at a time!"

And this today...

"The biopsy has confirmed a relapse, he was at 15% blast on Thursday of last week. The cards have been dealt and now we have to play it out. The plan is for Harper to have surgery on the 16th to replace his central line. We will travel to Detroit Children's Hospital for the surgery and return that same day to Sparrow were he will begin induction chemotherapy to achieve remission a second time. If all goes as familiar this process will take about 28 days at which point he will undergo another bone marrow aspiration to determine the blast count. God willing on that day he will have less than 5% blast and in fact be in remission after only one round of therapy.
From the point of remission, we head to Detroit Children's were he will receive 8 days of kick your a** chemo...this is super high dose drugs that are intended to kill your immune system completely...I don't want to speculate but I feel this is the point that Harper will start to feel the pain of toxicity. One the 9th day...or day zero as the transplant team tells it he will receive his new marrow.
The search was conducted last time to find a donor and Harper's donor is an adult female, age 35, three pregnancies, with a 10 out of 10 HLA match. God willing she has not passed or changed her mind in the last four months about being a donor. The team will transplant with 6 out of 6 match so 10 is amazing. The statistics about this woman indicate the complexity of her immune system which can all factor in to the engraphment...but the HLA typing is critical and that is on our side.
From day zero, which is simply an intense blood transfusion, the engraphment should take 21 to 35 days, all of which are spent in critical care in the BMT unit...Harper could react any number of ways...rashes, poops, fever, vomiting, or even organ failure...but for this I will not speculate...for I know that God is good and Harper is strong! I envision a response from the team at Detroit similar to our friends at Sparrow..."are you sure he is sick", "this kid looks to good to have gone through treatment", "WOW"...Harper is the strongest person I know and this will not stop him! We are after the cure now. This is it!"

Just when we think we have something awful on our plate - someone comes along with something even worse. I can't imagine what this little family is going through - Harper isn't even 2 yet!

Praying for Wisdom and Strength

If you recall, I wanted to talk to our social worker (SW) about the effects on Jacob if we don't have contact with AS (I'm going to refer to Jacob's birth mother as AS from here on out).

I decided I can't continue to put my morals, my beliefs, or my values aside to maintain a relationship with AS any longer. I can't continue to condone her actions while inside I'm seething. I can't continue to watch my friend in so much pain wanting a child, with AS calling me wanting sympathy for her physical pain after yet another abortion and not tell AS what I really think of her and the stupid, idiotic, selfish, asinine choices she continues to make.

I decided that it's best to do this before Jacob is old enough to get confused by this mess. I decided that a relationship with his siblings isn't going to happen now and he can decide where it goes in the future. I can't continue to open Jacob up to the disappointment AS brings with her. Promises to visit and she doesn't show/doesn't call. Celebrating Christmas and Jacob's birthday in June. Yet we're expected to attend birthday parties and bring gifts for her kids. Sure Jacob doesn't understand now but, he will...soon. Not to mention, we can provide for him just fine. She has 3 other kids at home that need food and clothes.

Our SW called me on Monday and I told her all of this on the phone. My concern is, and will always be what is best for Jacob. According to the SW, I am perfectly within my right as Jacob's mother to do what I think is best. As for AS, her rights to Jacob have been terminated. There is no such thing as an adoption agreement and I don't owe her anything. Jacob doesn't know her as anything other than someone his mom knows. I need to explain to AS that we will be going to a letter/picture system from here and deal with it. When Jacob is ready, he can make the decision for himself to make contact with them or not.

Based on everything I told the SW, she agreed it was time to break off contact. I guess, I wanted a validation of my feelings before I did what I already knew was the right thing to do. She also thinks it's time we talk about adopting again...I'm not sure about that. Yet. That's another post!

I had hoped to maintain a relationship with Jacob's birth mother. It was my intention from the start. I thought it would be best for him, easiest on him in the long run. I thought I could overlook her crap and do what I thought was right for Jacob. What is right for Jacob isn't necessarily what I had thought it was. Maybe this isn't the best either. I don't know. I do know that it is my job to raise Jacob and to teach him right from wrong, to give him morals and values, manners and decency. I can't teach him when I'm not standing up for mine.

AS did call last night. I couldn't answer the phone. I didn't have the strength to be fake. I wasn't prepared for the conversation yet. I think I need to pray for some strength and wisdom first.

**Jacob will always know he's adopted. It's not a secret. We firmly believe a child should never remember the day they were told that they were adopted. We will always talk openly or freely about how Jacob came to be our son. I don't want adoption to ever seem hidden or dirty to him. We will always celebrate July 13 as Jacob's 'gotcha day' and you are more than welcome to celebrate with us - in fact, we hope you do! I simply ask that you please, talk about the adoption and ask us questions just don't show any shame in talking about adoption in front of Jacob and please, never say anything in front of him about AS that you wouldn't want your child to hear said about you. It's very important to us that Jacob form his own opinions of her, free from our judgements. You may always ask us about adoption, we are HUGE advocates. It's very important to us to make sure the subject of adoption is always, Always, ALWAYS positive. You may always feel free to contact me. Privately, we can talk about AS all you want, I won't do it in front of Jacob and I won't let you either.

Pictures from the hatchery

As promised. This is one of the treatment ponds at the hatchery. It's wastewater from the fish raceways.



The white spots along the bank are geese.

An empty pond.

And my fave. Jacob doing what he does - running. Away.

The Fish Hatchery and some new words

Saturday afternoon, Miss Jennifer, Jacob and I took a trip to the mall. Jen was looking for some sandals for her vacation and Jacob needed new shoes as the Reebok (they look a lot like these) tennis shoes I bought him do not meet his approval. I have tried several times to put these shoes on Jacob and every time he cries, he fits, takes them off, and throws them. We have shoe issues every time the seasons change as it is but this is much different. I think they hurt his feets. Of course, we were without a nap and my son had a few lovely meltdowns in the shoe store. I love it when a kid throws himself on the floor in public! I finally got him to try on a shoe for me without a freak and we bought them. We're getting to a point where Jacob wants to choose what he wears. I should have known - Jacob has had Nike shoes almost since day one, I shouldn't have deviated - knowing how routine he is. Lucky for me, they had a pair in the next size up on sale. We bought those too! Same color, same style - one size bigger. Hopefully it makes for one less fight in the shoe store - somehow, I doubt it!

Sunday afternoon we took a picnic lunch and went to the Wolf Lake State Fish Hatchery. Jacob had a great time running around...and feeding the fish. My hands, still smell like fish food. They have a show pond right out front and you put tokens/quarters in the little machine to get the food and feed the fish (steelhead trout, chinook salmon, lake sturgeon, walleye, northern pike, channel catfish and northern muskellunge). They jump and flop all over each other for the food. Jacob thoroughly enjoyed himself. We took a walk around the ponds and just enjoyed the day. They also had some ugly fish (the lake sturgeon) in a tank inside, along with a bunch of 'stuffed' fish, birds, turtles, and snakes. We'll post some pics later tonight.

Jacob has picked up a few new words. Don't worry - they're clean. He has added kew-key (cookie), pup-py (JJ told Big Da he wants one), mom-mie, dad-dy (though Jeremy prefers 'Big Da'), choo-choo, and I need. He will tell you what the firetruck/ambulance/police car says - which is 'wooo-wooo'. He also will repeat the letters of the alphabet when you say them (there are some he'll skip one time and attempt another - except W...he won't even try it!). The occupational therapist (Miss Carrie) comes in once a week now that school has started again. She works with Jacob on his gross motor delays. The new speech therapist hasn't come yet, nor has he called. They need to re-test Jacob, both on his motor and his speech, before December to find out where we'll go next as once Jacob turns 3, Early On can't work with him. We've been told, based on Jacob's degree of delay, he could either do a 'drop-in' for therapy at the ISD (Intermediate School District) or if his delay remains severe (6 months or more), they schedule regular sessions - 3 times a week at the ISD. They had told us some time back that Jacob would make his greatest improvements once he starts school. We keep reading to him, talking to him, and explaining to him. It's all we can do.

Unwanted Pregnancies

Abortion was legal in 1973. I'm 35, I've known for all of my life, that my mother seriously considered an abortion in 1973. You do the math.

I always knew that I was an unwanted pregnancy. Edna was 39 when she found out she was pregnant with her sixth child. My oldest sister, Cindy, was in her senior year of high school. My dad, was sick. There were serious risks to the child Edna was carrying, one of the first conceived to a parent with Multiple Sclerosis. Edna didn't want to start over with another baby. She didn't want another baby. A baby the Doctors thought to have Down's Syndrome - or worse.

When I was about 13, one of my sisters asked me what I thought about abortion. I remember my answer being - not these exact words but if she couldn't afford a child, didn't want the child, or was raped that it was okay. I carried that thought for a long time. Until recently, as a matter of fact.

Until an abortion affected my life. I posted a few weeks ago about a potential to adopt again. We weren't ready for it. I spoke to a friend about that potential. I had hoped to pass the opportunity to them - knowing how badly this couple wants children. It backfired in my face when I found out that the mother aborted her child. Yes, she went to Planned Parenthood, took a little pill, and killed her unborn child. I never thought she'd do it...again. She told me she could never do that again. I shouldn't have believed her.

My mother never hid the fact that she didn't want another child from me. Have you noticed, I don't say 'my mother never wanted me'? You see, my mother didn't want another child - she didn't know yet it was me. My mother finally decided that she wouldn't be able to live with herself for ending her pregnancy. Though she won't admit it now, she's told me many times that she's glad she had me. She always said 'I want you, I didn't know if I wanted a baby."

My opinion has obviously changed from when I was 13. I don't think abortion is okay. It's far from okay. It's wrong. It's murder. I'm not even sure in cases of rape or incest - in those instances, I believe it is up to the woman - it'd take one special woman to carry that child and in that instance, I can't judge - I can't say what I'd do if it were me. I know how many couples are looking to adopt a child. I'm sad to say - I have noticed infertility had become the norm rather than the exception.

Edna once said something to me - something about a leader once asked God why he had no men to fight his war. God said - They were there...your women aborted them.

I don't know how to feel about this abortion. I know I'm angry. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to handle the friend whose dreams I unintentionally crushed. I don't know where to go with Jacob's relationship with his birth mother now and in the future. I feel as if to continue a relationship with his birth mother against my beliefs is wrong but - do I have that right to impose my beliefs on my child? How do I explain to him when the time comes? There's already so much to explain to him, what do I overlook? I've already put so many of my feelings/values/morals aside in maintaining a relationship with her...is that right? Why do I feel the need to give up so much of what I am to keep her around. Is she worth it?

I've always known about the decision my mom had to make. She never hid it from me and I was never angry with her for it. I never felt that she didn't want me. But, after all, she didn't do it and I'm one who's here, aren't I?

Update: I left a message with our social worker from Jacob's adoption to see if she can put us in touch with an adoption support group or counselor in our area to help out with the feeling/issues/questions I have regarding a relationship with Jacob and his birth mother.