Demons

I ran head first into my infertility demon yesterday. The dirty bastard jumped right out from behind the couch and he caught me! Through our journey with infertility, I always felt worse for Jeremy. I think of how wonderful he really is, how much I do love him, how much he truly does love me, and I always feel so awful that he'll never see a child growing inside his wife or feel that child's kick. He'll never see a child we conceived come into and greet the world. He has to miss all of it and it's just not fair! I have come to terms with most of our infertility but, what Jeremy doesn't get to experience will always hurt my heart.

The jealousy demon has been after me too. I have one person in particular that I am insanely jealous of (yes, I'm admitting it!). To the point of when I see this person, the green-ness consumes me. I'm not jealous of this person for money, for looks, for personality - and believe it or not, it's not even for her children. It's how when she appears, she becomes the center of the universe - to everyone. It's like the world has stopped turning because she's here. In her wake, my husband, my son, get brushed aside to do, to take care of, to get, to give, everything, and then some for her. Blech!

I get tired of being treated as second best, as a failure. I'm tired of our infertility being swept under someone else's rug because THEY (not me) are afraid to talk about it. I'm tired of being side-stepped. I'm tired of certain people trying to make Jacob's adoption into something to be ashamed of, never to be talked about. I'm tired of his first-mommy being referred to - in Jacob's presence, as a "druggie", or, "worthless" or, "trash" or, "unfit". I'm tired of the looks on people's faces when they hear Jacob 'still sees her'. I'm tired of being tip-toed around because I'm strong, outspoken, determined, independent, and self-sufficient. I'm tired of the people who think I should feel sorry for them and for the results of the shitty choices they have made in their lives but I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because my infertility issues are out of my control. I'm tired of being the "spoiled brat" or "not knowing what it's like to be poor". I'm tired of being treated like I'm less, like I deserve less because I can't carry a child. We're talking about demons...there's some demons!

We're getting ready to go up for the Fourth. Though I love to go home, and I love to see my family, there's a whole new set of demons to contend with. I'll re-live all of them. In my mind. The day my sister was killed, my parents' divorce, the day I moved away, the phone call I missed to come and sit with my dad before he passed away, the day my best friend, shot and killed himself. Sure, there's a lot of good memories there too, learning to ride a bike, walking on the beach picking up 'glass rocks' as we called them, and there are still enough good memories left up there to be made for Jacob , with Jacob. For him, it'll always be the best I can possibly ever give.

You see, I'm a wife and I'm a mom. I'm always both of them before I'm me. My husband and my son always come first. I see their hurts and it's my job to fix them, no matter who or what caused them, before I fix my own. I'm learning that I can't simply cover my hurts or my demons with fresh paint, new carpet, new furniture, and swimming pools. I have a lot of hurt to resolve. Funny, thing about hurts - they never get resolved if you don't deal with them and you can't deal with them until you talk about them but it hurts too much to talk about them so you never deal with them and when you choose not to deal with them, you can't resolve them. Hmm?

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

My sister, Cindy (#1) sent this to me. I wanted to share it with you.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking'.

Splishin' and Splashin'!

We did it! We bought the pool. It's 13' X 45". It's an easy-set, metal frame pool. We've been talking about it for quite a while.

We weighed the pros - it'll be right in our backyard, no more driving to Yuck Lake where the water is warmer than pee - from all the pee, not having to wear a life jacket on the boat while we get to a good spot to swim, and the biggest pro of all...I don't have to go public in a swimsuit! We looked at the cons - the expense of filters and chlorine, the maintenance, locking up the ladder, fixing our fence, and the nasty neighbor kids wanting to take their weekly bath in our pool. Of course, there's always plenty of justification when you really want something, isn't there?

I'm sure after I go to swim lessons with the boys today, I'll have all of the reassurance I'll need that we made the right decision.

I'll post some pics when we're up and swimming!

Happy 40th Birthday Aunt Liz!

We knew it was your birthday, we just remembered the 40 part a little bit late.

Hope you enjoy your day!

Boring, but how?

Not much going on these days.

Swim lessons are a bigger hit than I thought they'd be (he cried when we passed the school and didn't turn in). Big enough that we're thinking of getting a pool for the backyard. Jeremy and I both love the water and now Jacob has become a little fish too. We're thinking 12' by 42". Just enough to swim and float. Enough to keep cool on hot summer days. We don't have any nice lakes that are close and Lake Michigan is quite a haul to a decent beach. I called the city to find out about codes and we're good as long as we get a metal frame pool with a lockable or removable ladder. We'll see what happens. It's fun to shop though.

Jacob is completely moved into his big boy room. He fell asleep in his big boy bed last night but woke at 5AM and he was in his little boy bed. He wouldn't nap in there yesterday but did today. I've also been shopping for tin, advertising signs for his walls.

I'm working from home a few days this week to help Jeremy out. He closes every night this week which makes for a tired Daddy. I'm trying to let him sleep in and then he has meetings on two of the days so, with me home, Jacob can get a nap. I'm going to swim lessons on Wednesday to take video of Jacob. Should be fun.

Jeremy's on vacation next week and we're putting together another trip to Manistee for July 4. I'm looking forward to taking Jacob to the parade, as excited as he gets over cars and trucks. My nephew, the policeman, will be home and I'm curious if Jacob will understand that Chris drives the "piece car". We have a fetish with the "piece car". We're also staying in a hotel with a pool and I'm sure that will make the trip for Jacob. I am looking forward to seeing my sister, Karen (#2) and my mom.

In the big storms a few weeks ago, my mom had a tree fall on her house. They came and cut down the tree but there's still a big hole in the roof and some siding torn off. She says the front door won't shut and the windows won't open. She's still waiting for the insurance adjuster to come out from Minnesota. She was without power overnight but otherwise okay. Definitely shaken but not stirred.

We'll continue plugging away at normalcy. It's a little cool here now and I like it. I hate hot summers. I think, Jacob and I are going to take a drive up the hill to see a new pool that the city told me about today. We might stop and share a slushie down by the dam and find ourselves some chicken nuggets for dinner. Have a good night!

More Swimming Lessons

After one week of lessons, it's apparent that this is really a bad time. No melt down his last two days, but boy oh boy does he not want to listen. About the only thing he has down is how to ham it up for the two instructor girls running the class. Which, I guess, is good practice for later. But it sure doesn't help us to learn to swim. I am looking forward to today, we will be back on schedule and Jacob can sleep as long as he needs to. So far this week I have had to wake him up after only an hour nap (rough for a little kid who is used to having almost a 2 hour nap). He hasn't been too fond of daddy for that one.

Well, we don't go back til Monday, I'm sure I'll be giving more updates then.

Jacob's big boy room

It's mostly done. As you can see the border looks great! We still have a few little things to do. Jeremy has to cut the doors down about 1/4" - this carpet is a little higher than the other. I bought jute shades for the windows and they don't make it quite as dark as I'd like - it's the SW corner of the house - so I'm sewing some liners for the shades. Jeremy still has to fix the closet light. I cut out some trucks from the leftover border to paste onto the closet door. We have to move JJ's dresser in and find some things for the walls (vintage advertising signs) yet but, I'm very happy with what I created.

Jacob is a little scared of the big boy bed as it's under the bunk. We've been playing in there trying to get used to that. The first few nights after this room was done, when putting JJ to bed, I'd tell him to go get in his bed, he'd head for this room. He obviously likes it.

Swimming Lessons

Well, two days of lessons are in the books. What have we learned? We've learned that when it's past nap time, a half hour can seem like forever.

Let's start with that then we will move on to the actual lessons. I hope there isn't anyone who will take offense to this next statement. Having swimming lessons for 2-3 year olds at 12:30 in the afternoon is absolutely retarded. Yesterday all of the kids did pretty well, today ten minutes in and every one of them had at least one melt down. Our precious Jacob included.

Now, on to the lessons. The first day we worked on getting out of the pool (elbow, elbow, knee, knee). We did that 4 times. He still needs help with it, but he has fun. Even when he plants his face against the floor for stability. Then we worked on trying to blow bubbles. All I can get out of him is motorcycle sounds, and he won't do it into the water. So, no dice with bubbles. Next we worked on kicking. Jacob doesn't really want to kick, he just keeps squatting his little butt down and he looks like he is riding a bicycle under the water. Cute, but not what we are trying for. Then we grabbed onto a noodle and worked on kicking around the pool (yeah right). Daddy did most the work. That's right about the time that the evidence of a lack of a nap started to show the first day. Then the fun started. The girls running the show turned on the fountains and the water to the slide and all the kids got to go down the slide. They all had fun with that. Then it was time to go.

Day two started out very similar. As soon as we got there they said to go ahead and start practicing getting out of the pool. Then we worked on swimming to daddy (little bicycle). Then the not listening because I'm tired and want a nap started in. Yep, five minutes in and all the kids are starting to get grumpy or just not listen. At this time all Jacob wanted to do was splash. That wasn't on the agenda today. Then we tried to swim around holding the noodle again, that went over worse than day one. Then the girls grabbed a box of pool toys and matchbox cars and threw them into the pool. The idea was to get the kids to start picking up the items in the shallowest part of the pool (the pool has an area where you just walk right in, no ledge or anything). Then you proceed to throw the items a little deeper. The idea is to get them to get to the point that they are sticking their heads under water to get them. J did well, but he would not put is head under water. So the match box car just stayed there. As tired as he was, he did not want to leave today. I told him that we would be back tomorrow and I got a shaky "Okay".

He gets to take an uninterrupted nap today, so hopefully he will be better tonight and tomorrow. All in all, I am having a great time with Jacob in his swim lessons.

I guess we'll just see what tomorrow brings.

Goodbye

I'm sorry I can't be there to say my "goodbye" to you, in person. We both know, seeing me at your funeral would put your sister over the edge - ooh, she still hates me! Don't worry about her though, I have it on good authority - the Gutz's will take very good care of her. She won't be alone.

I have a lot of good memories of our friendship that I will always hold close to my heart. I'll always remember your warm smile, your goofy laugh and the many afternoons hanging out with you at the station. You always said everything would be right for you again if that station re-opened. I hope you see the answers to your life from where you are. I hope you understand why I couldn't let myself be more to you. I hope you see what God had planned for us and why it couldn't be what you wanted. Most of all, I hope you know, I'm sorry I hurt you.

Rest in peace, Rick. Goodbye.

Lucky dog

Murray is enjoying his new home. He gets to sleep on the bed every night, he's allowed on the furniture whenever he wants, he's eating expensive dog food, he is loving life!

Jeremy talked to Murray's new mom yesterday. She thinks Murray's just the cats pajamas! He's getting along with all the other dogs and he avoids the cat. Old Murray is getting plenty of lovins too. Best of all he's running around and playing - like a real dog. I'm so happy for him - they're exactly what he needed.

I hope they still like him that much when he shits on their carpet ten different places in one day!

Dreaming of New Carpet!?! On Video?!?

Ever have one of those dreams where you really like the dream, you wake up to go pottie and when you go back to sleep you try to pick up where the dream left off but, it takes this crazy absurd turn from where you were before you woke up? UGH! I HATE that! I was having this great dream about the guy I would marry if I wasn't already married, and then I woke up. I tried to pick up where we left off and it wasn't such a great dream anymore. Actually, I was a little scared by the turn it took. Thankfully, I woke up again.

I have new carpet upstairs!!!! They came yesterday, did the hall and both bedrooms. They forgot the landing but, they'll be back the end of this week. It looks great! I can't believe it's the same house. All three of us played upstairs for about an hour last night. We put Jacob's big boy bed in his new room (looks great!), I vacuumed and Jacob ran from room to room checking it all out. The cats enjoyed it too - after we went downstairs we heard them wrestling - I found tufts of cat hair all over! I'm so happy with the look of it though. Oh, and the smell! It smells so good up there! No more wet cat/dog/hay smell! It's so nice to be able to have all of the doors open up there! I ordered Jacob's wall border this morning. Thanks for all of your input; I did choose hot rod trucks and I'll get some pics out here when his room is all done. I have to do a little more painting - when I painted the trim up there, I didn't prime it and of course all of the paint peeled off. I didn't know the original was oil based. Lesson learned: when in doubt - prime it.

We also have new toy. It's our Mother's/Father's Day/Gail's/Jeremy's birthday gift. We bought a video camera. To this point the 90 second clips on our digital camera have been enough to get us by but, with Jacob growing and doing so much more, we figured it was about time to capture the bigger memories. Not to mention, he's too dang cute! Of course, we bought the camera and the store was out of tapes so we can't use it yet but, that's always how my luck runs!

Pyogenic granulomas

Don't even ask how to say it! It's what was on Jacob's cheek.

Dr. said it's nothing to worry about. If it comes back, bring Jacob in, he'll look at it and probably refer us to a dermatologist. He did say pyogenic granulomas will "bleed like the dickens". From the link, the close up picture (without facial features) that looks like a red blister, looks the most like his did.

Exhausted

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Financially. Decidedly. Wifely. Motherly. Medically. Family. Exhausted.

I spent most of yesterday getting ready for our new carpet that is coming on Tuesday. Cleaning, painting, and planning. Jeremy hauled the last of the old carpet out too. YUCK!! I ordered the window treatments for Jacob's new room. I still have to order the border and pictures/signs for the walls.

We need to replace part of our fence, three doors, and a window. We don't know how to do it, let alone where to even begin. I'm NOT hiring another contractor. Not this summer! My little mind can't take it.

We're trying to decide what to do for July 4 and my dad's family reunion this summer. Do we want to stay home for the 4th? In my almost 35 years, I've never been to a parade on July 4, anywhere but Manistee. Do we want to do something around here? If so, what? I'd like to stay in Lake City for the reunion but, where do we stay? I want something on the water but, how do I find it? I don't have the mental energy to think about going anywhere, nor do I have what it takes to get everything together to actually go!

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I was so sleepy but, I was even more nervous. I had a feeling that something else was going to happen. Like something else was going to be dumped on my shoulders. Another responsibility. Another thing I'd have to take care of or handle. I feel like I have nothing left, like I have already put in sooo much, I have nothing more to put in. Where does it end?

I don't want to work on my house any more. I don't want to think about outrageous gas prices. I don't want to think about travels or trips. I don't want to think about too many miles on my leased truck. I don't want to look at my lawn with tiny sprouts in place of grass that my neighbor flooded this weekend. I don't want to move any more furniture, or think about the placement of it. I don't want to think about transitioning Jacob to his new room. I don't want to decide on a desk for our home office. I don't want to buy fence. I don't want to replace windows or doors. I'm so damn tired of thinking, of planning, of maintaining, of figuring, of DOing!

Could someone let me know when they invent the switch to turn off the mind? Thanks, I'm afraid I might miss it if left up to me.