Self Evaluation

Jeremy does this thing for work called Self Evaluation. Every time I hear him say he has to do another one, I think how awful it must be to have to put yourself on paper for someone else to see or to grade. I know I think of these in a manner different to their intent. I tend to look at them on a personal level. What would you put on your paper if you knew someone else was going to look at it? If you knew you were to be graded as a person? Would there be things you would leave off for reason of humility? Or would you leave the not so good stuff there to try to improve on in the future, knowing someone else knows your faults and they're watching you?

I've been working on a Self Evaluation of sorts myself. I've been evaluating some friendships, some relationships, and I'm finding I haven't been the type of person I want to be. I've been holding on to so many burdens from my past that I'm pushing things away which could bring great joy into my future. I've been so stubborn and set in MY way, I wasn't seeing that there is another way, different from mine and though it's different, it's not wrong. I've pushed away potential for some great relationships out of my stubbornness. I've held on to so much ugliness. I've misinterpreted so many good intentions from others. I've clung on to hatred and meanness. I haven't given my best to my husband, my marriage, my in-laws, or my child. I know I am better than that.

I had taken the wrong approach in some things and could have lost one of the two most important things in my life. I had spent so much time looking for what I thought I wanted, I almost missed what I already had. I had taken the wrong approach in so many relationships, including my marriage. I expected more than I was willing to give and I expected what I wanted not what someone else was willing to give. In some ways, you do expect people to change to meet your expectations. Especially those you're closest to. It's easier if they change. It's harder to change your self. It's time I start pulling clinkers out of my own eyes (as Edna says) and get to changing.

I'm opening some doors I had closed, letting some fresh air in and seeing it all in a new light. I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to laugh more, live more, and do more. I'm going to make better relationships with the people in my life. I'm going to let other things just roll of my back and not take them to heart. I will do my next evaluation and be proud of myself because I'm a good person. I want the people in my life to know how much I love them, cherish them, maybe even admit I might need them. I want to wear out some kids on a spring afternoon to give their mom a well deserved break. I want to take Jacob to have dinner with his grandmas and host holiday dinners that are silly and fun. I want to make good memories. I hope I can get it all back, and find me again. I hope to take this as far as I can and I hope it's not too late to mend fences.