It’s been a big year - job changes, buying a house, selling a house, moving, navigating unemployment, and of course COVID-19. Thankfully, thus far we are getting through it.
We have been so busy, I haven’t taken as good care of my mental/spiritual self as I should. I haven’t done readings, Reiki, or even meditated in some time. I’m not good at being vulnerable - or showing that side of myself. Though it’s been over 6 years now since my mom passed, I’m still terrified of facing her in the psychic/spiritual realm. And sometimes, I’m afraid of my sibling’s reactions to my memories with our mother. In some ways, I was lucky - I think by the time I came along, my mom was tired of being a mom and she was different. Sometimes, I think she treated me more as a pal than a daughter. Don’t get me wrong, she still got all over my ass but, as I got older and got my shit together, in some ways, she was easier on me - someways not and I never counted on her for anything.
Anyway, I did some mini readings last week and opened myself back up. And as I knew it would happen...in came my mother.
Friday night, we went to dinner as a family. We’re having dinner, and this song - Ronnie Milsap “Wouldn’t have missed it for the World” was on the Muzak. And oh, the tears fell!
Cause you've brought me so much sunshine
And love was the best it's ever been
Wouldn't have missed loving you girl
You've made my whole life worth while, with your smile
I wouldn't trade one memory
Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world
Loves comes and goes just like the wind
You've got your dreams to follow
But if I had the chance tomorrow
You know I'd do it all again
Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world
Wouldn't have missed loving you girl
You've made my whole life worth while, with your smile
I wouldn't trade one memory
Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world“
This song - 2 things about this song. One of the last times I saw my mom dance, it was to this song. 2 of my favorite things about my mom, hearing her sing and watching her dance.
The night I saw her dance to this song - she smiled and pointed to me on the line “you brought me so much sunshine”. My parents both sang to me “You are my Sunshine” when I was a little girl.
I also remember riding in the car with her - mostly the big old Chevy but, a few times in the Buick - at night, I’d lay my head in her lap when she was driving. She’d sing along to the radio. This song was popular then, and at that line, she’d sing this to me and tuck my hair behind my ear. Every time.
I miss her.
Today, I was peeling/slicing apples for apple crisp. I was watching my hands, which are exactly her hands, remembering how nervous I was watching her do the same. She sliced using her thumb as the stop and I was always so afraid she’d cut herself. She laughed at me wincing while she cut/peeled.
She’s showing me her gentleness, her softness, reminding me of her heart which is my heart and the good parts of us. I’ve tuned her out more often than not since she’s passed. She’s reminding me that I was her sunshine, that she wouldn’t have missed her time with me for all the world. And she’s telling me, in the way that I’ll listen. She knows me
Thanks mom. I hear you. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world either!
