in·dif·fer·ent
adjective
- 1.having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.
- 2.neither good nor bad; mediocre.
It used to matter. I used to be someone who had to have everything just right, Every I was dotted, every T was crossed. Maybe I thought if I did it all correctly, maybe I'd be worthy of a compliment, an acknowledgement, a pat on the back. I get those things now, here and there (and they make me rather uncomfortable) but, somehow they don't seem to mean as much as they should. Maybe I've become indifferent.
I like to post the definition of a word. I like to look at the word and let its meaning sink in. Indifferent. How does one get here? How does one become indifferent?
Too many years of being the strong one?
Too much loss?
Too much forgiveness?
Too much hurt?
Too many years lifting up the victims?
Being insignificant?
Being too young?
Too much pain?
Not enough recognition?
Not enough concern?
All of the above and then some?
I don't think there is any one, single answer but, I'm sure there are many combinations.
I believe we all have our challenges in life, we all have our disappointments, things that haven't turned out as we'd wanted or even as we'd hoped. I believe we all have lessons to learn here on this Earth as well as lessons to teach the people we meet. I was asked a week or so ago if I was stuffing down my emotions, burying them as opposed to dealing with them. I said no, of course not! And then I had to think about it...was I pushing them down? Was I avoiding the pain?
After that conversation, I now know I'm not a stuffer. My emotion surfaces whether I want it to or not. Laughter, tears, it doesn't matter. I can't hold it back - or at least not very well. If I'm mad, I know I'm mad, if I'm hurt, my tears will roll. In this case, I just had nothing. There is nothing left. I knew it was coming. Indifferent.
For me, everything has always been tough. Family, friends, relationships, people - all of it. I've simply experienced too much in my short 40 years. Enough lying, enough loss, enough deceit, enough anger, enough backstabbing, enough disappointment, enough, enough, enough. You see folks, I've reached the end of my rope. I've tied a knot and I'm able to swing. I have become indifferent. I have cried my tears. I have hurt most of my hurt. I don't care about the outcome anymore. I don't care who does what to whom anymore. My faith is stronger than ever and my God will lead me right to where I need to be, with or without you. I really, simply have no interest any more. I have no tolerance for your drama, your whining and your refusal to accept responsibility for yourself and the decisions you have made.
Indifferent. Having no particular interest or concern. Here we are and from here we'll go.
