Excuse me? What just happened?

Warning:  I'm going to get a little non-conventional here.  I'm going to talk about something you may not believe in, may not understand or might find totally weird and way beyond your level of acceptance.  You are free to read on or to pass.  No hard feelings.

Before I met my husband, I had dated another man for about 6 years on and off (more off than on).  There was a considerable age difference (21 years) and before you get all 'father figure' on me, that totally wasn't the case.  He was a good man.  He took care of me - again not in the fatherly sense but, and I wish I could explain this better, there is a certain air, a certain something about dating someone older.  There is a certainty in a man that is older, a confidence like no other.

This man saw me through a lot of things in that time.  My family didn't understand but, also in this time, I had been taken advantage by another man - against my will (we'll talk about that another time).  This relationship should have ended much sooner but, I needed him there to help me through that awful time.  I didn't tell anyone.  I needed to know that I was still something special to someone.   I couldn't get myself together and I saw that this man didn't want a future with me in the same way that I wanted a future with him.  He wanted to stay together, live together and just enjoy life together.  I knew that I wanted to get married and eventually have a family.  He already had 2 divorces and 1 kid.  I worked hard to get myself together and get on with my life.  I started a new job, I moved away.  I became more confident and I grew up.

In the last year of the relationship everything was sour.  To put the two of us into a room together was like putting us into a boxing ring.  Each of us taking our shots below the belt.  I always told him that one day, I was going to be strong enough and I was going to leave.  I was getting very close.

I left him on May 6, 2001.  I just left and I didn't go back.  I met Jeremy on May 10 and when I got home from meeting Jeremy, I had a letter in the mail from the other guy that it was over - I already knew that it was.   I scoffed and threw the letter in the trash, thinking "Finally, he gets it!  I'm free!".  The end of that relationship wasn't Jeremy.  I knew that I needed to close this guy's door before Jeremy's could be opened.  The old relationship had really been over for more than a year at that point only neither of us wanted to admit it.  My first official date with Jeremy was May 12.

I was never happy with the way that I left my ex.  I always felt that I needed some type of closure, that I needed to apologize for my actions over the years, that I need to put this mess to rest.  It really bothered me.  I thought about it often, I talked with Jeremy about it.  I knew that I was happy with my life now, I knew I was meant to be with Jeremy yet, this nagged at me constantly and consistantly.  I knew that I had more to say but, I also know that I was incapable of having a spoken conversation with my ex about this.

I was up home for an overnight this past November, and I ran into my ex.  I hadn't seen him since I walked away in May of 2001 - almost 10 years.  He looked good - he looked exactly the same!  I knew the whole time Jeremy and I were planning that trip that I was going to run into this guy somewhere/somehow that weekend.  And I knew it was unavoidable.  The whole interaction was creepy - he kept staring at me. 

I knew this guy had been watching my every move that night.  I saw a guy from work at the bar before I left.  He was behind my friend and I.  Standing at the wall.  I'd gotten up to talk to him a minute.  I saw my ex just glaring from the bar - I knew what he was thinking.  I knew every single one of his accusations without having to hear them.  And I knew he was thinking that nothing had changed with me.  What I had said to the guy from work was "Hey!  I was wondering if you'd be here.  I know you like to bring your mom when you're in town. (Yeah, She and my Aunt are losing their social security). This band is good  (yeah, I should have come in earlier).  Too bad this bar is so small (it's always like this - they didn't plan it very well).  We're getting ready to leave if you'd like our table (Great!  Thanks!  But, I have to use the can - can you wait a few minutes?).  Sure, we'll wait until you use the restroom so you don't lose it"  Now, doesn't that conversation just scream "Let's go get a room!?!"

Finally, as I was leaving (and I had to walk past him and his wife to get out of the bar), I stopped in front of him and I said, "If you're going to stare at me all night, the least you can do is say 'hello'." He was there with his wife (#3). Really, that didn't phase me. I wasn't upset that he chose her. I knew that I had Jeremy and Jacob waiting for me back at my hotel and it didn't matter. I didn't even have to convince myself.  We exchanged um, pleasantries - at least on my part (him?  not so pleasant).  And I walked away again.

I went back to the hotel and spilled my guts to my husband.  You see, I can't hide ANYTHING from Jeremy - I'm not capable. This run in/encounter with my ex made me even more uncomfortable.  And I could NOT shake it.

I'd been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and I can't remember if it was during this trip but, I know it was after.  We were back at home, Jeremy was in the shower, and I was in bed reading and I was at the part where Liz gets locked up on the roof by Richard and she's forced to forgive or forget her ex-husband.  As I'm reading, I keep getting this cologne scent - it's not Jeremy's - and it keeps getting stronger, and stronger, and finally, I realize that it's HIS - it's my ex's cologne!  I did like Liz - I closed my eyes and I said "Look guy, I know that I did some terrible things to you, I know that I hurt you beyond hurt.  I know now that I was wrong and I'm terribly sorry - for everything.  I have forgiven myself and I forgive you for your part in all of this destruction.  I hope you can move past this as well and I truly wish you the best in life."   And he left just as quickly as he'd come.  I meant everything that I said. 

Jeremy got out of the shower and I'm all "YOU are never gonna believe this!"  But, he did - at least I think he did, he acted like he did.

Since that night - I've barely had a thought about that guy.  Any time that I have thought of him, it passes right through.  Like my mind says to me, "we're over this, remember?" and I move on to the next.

I don't know what I experienced.  I don't know what it's called.  Mediumship comes to mind but, that's contact with spirits of the dead.  He's still very much alive.  Well - according to Wikipedia - it's telepathy. It's weird but, call it what you want, think I'm psychic/psychotic.  I just know that even if I don't know what it's called I've finally forgiven myself and he knows that I'm over it.  It truly is a good place to be.

Do you believe...

in magic...in a young girl's heart?  Oops, sorry...that's not what I wanted.

Coincidence?  Do you believe in coincidence?

Do you believe that we just walk through life and random things happen to us or don't happen to us totally by accident?

Or do you believe that everything happens to us for a reason, for a learning experience, to bring us the support we need at the time we need it, to show us just who really is in control of our lives?

I'm not getting into a discussion here over God, Buddha, Allah, Spirit, Kismet, or anything in between - I believe in a combination of God and Spirit or God in the Spiritual sense.  I was raised in a German Lutheran home - of course, I believe in God.  Anyway, not my point.

I believe that my life was totally changed by one broken pop bottle.

In this past well, wow - it's been almost a year already, since my we'll call it a "coincidence" changed my life path.  I look back at the sad, lost, miserable, hurt person that I was then.  When I go back, in my mind to the day of my "coincidence", I can actually see the black cloud looming over my head.

My sister was here for a day or so, on a pass through, heading home.  We took some time to go check out downtown, parked and walked over to check out a little specialty foods store.  I didn't pay any attention to where we had parked.  I was excited to find that this store carried gourmet cherry cola - well, 1 - Cherry is my A#1, most favorite ever, and B - the girl said it's really close to a cherry cola that I tried up north a few years ago.  With that, I was sold.  I bought a bottle and a couple different flavors of hummus.

We were walking back to my truck, talking, not paying much attention, I switched hands with my purchase, dropped it and my coveted bottle of cherry cola broke!  Thankfully, it was all contained within the bag but, oh man!  My sister took my other purchases while I cleaned up the mess and I was to meet her at the truck but, when I got back, she wasn't there.

I looked up and I knew right where she went.  I looked up and I see the store I had parked in front of Reflexions Plus.  I knew.  I knew that's where she went.  I opened the door and I saw my sister but, I also saw this woman with short, crazy blond hair.  I saw her and I had this overwhelming sense of I need to spend time with this woman, I need to know her, to work with her, I need her in my life - I don't know why - I just do! 

I told myself that I was going to attend the Community Reiki night they offer and I did.  And I haven't looked back.  I've taken a few classes in the shop.  It's now one of the places I'm selling my soaps.  It's a place I love to visit and all of the people I have met there are simply fantastic!

My life, my thoughts, my dreams, my goals all took on a totally new direction since that day.  I mean - I certainly never thought I'd be making soap as a side job!  I never thought I'd drop a day from my full-time job.  Do I believe this change in my life was simply a coincidence?  I certainly don't.  Do I believe that our lives are predestined, that our paths have already been created?  Yes, I do.  Do I believe that the path can change based on the choices that we make or don't make, yes I do.

I, I believe that my life was totally changed by one broken pop bottle.  It wasn't a coincidence.  I was supposed to drop that bag.  I was supposed to meet that crazy haired lady.  I was supposed to find new energy and new passions for my self.  It was already in my path.

To do list

Before Jacob and I were struck with The Plague last weekend, the three of us sat down and actually made a list of things we want to do or see this summer.  Mostly little day trips here and there but, all things we have an interest in checking out!

Chicago - this is already planned for Jacob's spring break.  Down and back on Amtrack.  We're staying close to Union Station - Chicago.  We have planned a walking trip to a Chicago Firehouse as well.
**UPDATE - I have been selected for Jury duty April 1-15.  I sent in my paperwork to hopefully have it changed to the next time slot.  Done.  See here, here, here, and here.

Camping (hopefully on Lake Michigan) but at least in our backyard.  Done!  Saturday night July 8, 2011

Gilmore Car Museum  done see here

Grand Rapids Children's Museum

Jacob's Gotcha Day  Done!  We celebrated with dinner at Daddy's work and cupcakes.

West Michigan Fly-in - Typically the last full weekend in June.  He did this with Grandma & Grandpa S while we were at my reunion.
**UPDATE - This would be the weekend of my 20 year class reunion!  Yes, I said 20!

Wolf Lake Fish Hatchery done - see here

Swimming in Lake Michigan - the day we'd planned it was 104...since then, it's toooo cooold!

Binder Park Zoo  See here

Gail's 20 year class reunion. 

Either my dad's or my mom's family reunion (only 1 of my mother's 4 sisters have met Jacob!) - We attended my dad's on August 13.  I forgot my camera!

Gerald R. Ford Museum

A trip to the movies to see Cars 2 (releases June 24, 2011)  Done!  Saturday July 8, 2011

Allegan Antique Market

West Michigan Whitecaps Game - Hopefully we can make a Quad City River Bandits (St. Louis Cardinals Minor League team) - May 31, June 1, or June 2

Jeremy's 40th Birthday - Party set for August 27, 2011

Moo-Ville Quality Creamery

Allegan's July 3 Jubilee  see here

Of course, this makes for some interesting blog fodder for the spring/summer and of course some great pictures of my cute kid and his smiling face!  We're really looking forward to tackling this list and if you're interested in joining us on our excursions, please send me a note and we'll try to work it out.

Sparkles and Twinkles

There's nothing special about today.  No milestones.  Nothing important.  Just a regular old day except I miss my dad!

I look at my brother and my sisters sometimes and I wonder how things are distributed.  I don't mean monetary things or tangible things, I mean - take for instance - I'm the emotional one.  I'm the one who cries easily, not just because I'm sad, also because I'm happy.  I cry in church because of the strong memories of my dad, I cry when Pastor gives Jacob a blessing, I had said before that I can't sing the "Happy Birthday" song to Jacob without crying - it turns out I can't sing it at all, to anyone!  I typically feel things very deeply and I wonder who I inherited that from?

I was talking to my brother this morning about my dad. I may have said this before, my dad had this amazing twinkle in his eye.  Every time he smiled, it was there.  You could see it - it came out just like the cheesy "ting" in a movie.  My brother reminded me this morning about my dad's quick wit, his dry sense of humor, and how that sparkle would show up just before the zinger he was about to deliver.  It's like his eyes knew that the smile was coming and they couldn't wait for it any longer.  Sadly, none of us inherited his twinkle.

I think of my dad often when I'm with Jacob.  Sometimes, I wonder if Jacob inherited my dad's spirit - I don't know if I believe in reincarnation but, I certainly believe that my dear old dad had a hand in bringing Jacob to us.  Jacob is so much like my dad used to be.  My dad would sit on our front porch for hours and watch the cars go by.  He'd wave to folks that he knew.  He loved to go to the airport and watch the planes take off or land.  My Jacob's first word was car.  He said it while sitting on my lap watching the cars pass by.  This summer, we'll spend many evenings at the airport watching the new pilots practice take-offs and landings - as well as our skydivers go up and jump.  I can't tell you how many people have approached us saying Jacob has waved to them or said 'hello' to them on the street.  In fact, we had told my sister when she was here not to worry about getting lost, everyone in town knows where Jacob belongs.  Many people in Manistee knew my dad and would stop to talk with him when he was on the porch.

I'm sure no matter how old I get, I'll always miss my dad.  I'll always have those little moments, little memories, when I think to myself, "I wish my dad was here."  In my heart, I know that he is always here.  I know he sees all of the things I wish for.  And then I'll see his smiling face...that twinkle in his eye, and the tears will fall again.