Walk A Mile

I've been seeing a psychologist.  Whew!  That's out there.

I've been seeing her for a few months now.  I like her.  She's very different than any therapist I have met thus far and it helps. 

I've told you my secret. But, it's not that easy.  

My Aunt said something in response to a social media post and well, she got me thinking.  My Uncle Butch, he was a good man, had a big heart, like most of the Nolff clan but, I was thinking of the hardships he had, the things he went through and the price his soul paid.  Like me, Butch was the youngest of a big family - 11 actually and he was in the military as most men were at that time.  The first thing I remember about him was that when his mother died, she had run down to the neighbors as Butch had called home, either from Vietnam or from basic training.  She had a heart attack and died while she was gone to answer the phone.  Could you imagine calling your mother and she died on her way to you?

As if that wasn't enough for a man to carry, as if the horrors of fighting in the Vietnam war weren't enough, my Uncle Dan, Butch's nephew (they were only 4 years apart) was shot and killed at his post.  Butch was military escort and brought his friend, his nephew home to his family and mourned the loss along the way.  He stood guard for Dan that whole time, took the responsibility to watch over his nephew one last time. 

We as a society tend to only look at what we see on the surface of a man (woman), we don't look at him and think "oh, I wonder what happened to them to make them this way.  I wonder what he's been through..."

We never think about why we are the way we are, what labels we put on ourselves or allow others to put on us, nor do we think about the effort it takes to live up to or defend ourselves from these "standards". 

When I stood at my mother's/father's/sister's graves back in October and I said I had cried but not for the loss of my mother, it's true, I didn't cry for her, I cried for the loss of myself, the parts of me buried with each one of them.  In some ways I also cried knowing I now had another label, more reaction judgement from others and yet one more thing to endure. Some think that now my parents are both gone, that I need substitute parents and they are the perfect people to fill this role.  Thank you for your concern but, mine taught me well, I don't need replacements, I think I've endured enough.

The weight of these labels is immense, immeasurable and I knew I was cracking under them all.  Outspoken, bitchy, selfish, spoiled, competitive, bossy, blah, blah, blah!  I knew it was too much pressure to be what everyone one said I was (or wasn't) to be the things I knew I was or was not. I got help.

I am learning to take people for who they are, to not pass judgment on them or to apply labels to them, to simply trust my instincts to lead me to decide who I need or don't need.  I'm learning who I am, how to be me, and how to shake off all the junk they're sticking on me. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok. It's not about being a cup of tea, it's about finding those who aren't afraid to ask for the coffee.  I'm with them!

The One Where The Wife Resigns

If you asked me about my job 10 months ago, I would have told you I love what I do, I'm excited for the change and really ready to see what this new company had to offer.  I would have meant what I said with all of my heart.  It was true.  Then. 

15 of my 18 years with my company, I had done that job and I loved it.  The carving out of my department for sale wasn't ideal but, I had two choices, go somewhere else or go with the sale, I chose the sale.

New company was ok. A little slow starting but, no real complaints.  As more time passed, my gut, my instincts kept telling me it wasn't going to last.  They wouldn't remain in this location.  They'd pull out after their lease was up.  I always planned to stay.  I joked I'd be the last one out, the one shutting off the lights.  I never in a million years thought I would apply for another job, go to an interview - my first in almost 19 years!  I never thought I'd get a call offering me the position.  Offering me the first job I had applied for in almost TWO decades but, I did!

I resigned from New Company the next morning. 41 years old and I had never resigned from a job. 

A whirlwind of paperwork, emails flying back and forth, a drug test (laugh it up those of you who know how truly vanilla I am!), saying goodbye and leaving all of my responsibility behind was absolutely foreign to me and I was nervous!

I did it. I started over.   

As it turns out, my gut was right, the second day of my new job back with Old Company, New Company announced they were closing this location and after December they'd be gone.  I guess I won't be the one to shut the lights off after all.  I'm sad for the friends I left behind though I'm curious who will be the one turn out the lights and thankful it won't be me!

Here's to the next chapter!

Routines

As people, as most responsible people, we have our routines.  Things we do in order to be sure other things get done or done in the most common sense approach.  At times, we have a wrench thrown into our routine and sometimes it's a minor hiccup, sometimes it's a big bump.  I find most often how I react to it, determines the impact.

I am a people watcher and with an fairly long commute and I often find myself watching cars wondering if these people are going about their normal routines, having a hiccup or fixing the bumps.   There are a few vehicles I have seen many times over the years and I'm certain they are routine commuters like me.  I think of this woman I saw once, driving erratically - tailgating, speeding, etc.  - she just FLEW by me.  I passed her later, she had pulled over and was on the passenger side of her car, helping a man who was violently ill.  Obviously not routine.

How many times in our lives do we pass people on the road or on the street?  How many times do we think of them or their routine?  If they're going through  the bumps or the hiccups or if everything is ok.  I wonder if we can help.  I try not to be so absorbed in my own routine not to notice.

Imagine what we could do if we all tried a little harder to be kind, to just smile.  Try it, you just might like it. 

The One Where the Husband Resigned

Can you tell we have been binge watching the TV show Friends?

As most of you know, our Big Daddy resigned from his restaurant manager job a few weeks before Thanksgiving.  This was not in our plans - long or short term. It was not on our schedule, nor was it even a remote thought.  In fact, Jeremy was shocked I had even spoken the words "maybe it's time to just resign".

I can't share with you the discussions we had or the details behind them but, I can tell you there were many days he went to work at 4:00PM and didn't get home until after 5:30AM.  Oftentimes he'd drive someone home who didn't have a vehicle or they were just so busy it took longer to clean up.  As I was saying, he'd come home at 5AM, sleep for 2 hours, get up with Jacob and I to get us to work and school, then try to sleep.  On top of all this he had conference calls to attend, not to mention the texts, emails and phone calls all the day long only to go back into the store for the 4PM shift.  On these days, he would only see Jacob and I for the hour in the morning.  I haven't even touched on working the weekends, the late night cleaning parties, the lack of competent people, the call-ins, the no-shows, or the general public complaining about every single teeny tiny thing.  Oh, there is so much, I could go on and on!

When I said "maybe it's just time to resign", I had all of these things (and more) on my mind. I was the married single parent, always waiting at home for the last nine years. I was the one going and doing it all, everything - alone.  We missed so many family functions, holidays and so much family time.  I knew in my heart it was time for him to go.

We wrote his resignation letter and sent it in on Friday morning.  That was it.  It was all over.  15 years and his restaurant career was done.  Sadly with little to show for it besides a terribly sore hip, bruised pride, and pure exhaustion.  The next few days/weeks, I watched this new man emerge from my husband's body.  This man was a little more patient, with a touch of extra kindness and he had some pep in his step.  I hadn't seen this side of him in a long time.  I had missed him.  I had forgotten.

Jeremy was home for the holidays for the first time ever.  In fact, all total he was at home for almost 2 months.  Those 2 months made enormous little changes in our home, our family and our marriage.  He's finally caught up on his 9 years of never getting enough sleep!  He's home in the evenings and on the weekends with us and we can function as one family, together. Not as 2 single parents fighting for time together and apart.

Big Daddy has started a new job. It's different, it's not retail, it's less hours and less pay of course but, his days of working 18 hour days are done.  We're planning camp outs in the backyard, fires in our fire pit and hopefully some late night swimming in our pool.  I'm hoping for a little new porch sitting and just watching the world go by...WITH my husband (for a change).

It's not where we planned to be at this stage of life but obviously, planned or not, where we needed to be.

Goodbye 2014, hello 2015!

To say I'm thrilled to be done with 2014 would be an understatement.  Ecstatic?  Elated?  Yeah, oh yeah!

After my mom died, I shut down.  I shut down my psychic abilities, I stopped meditation, I stopped my prayers,  I closed the path to visits from spirit. I tried really hard to just stop feeling.  I was so afraid my mother would sneak in somewhere and make me feel something that I thought it better if I turned everything off.

I was hurt. I was angry.  I was angry with her.  She left me.  She left me without an apology.  She left me without any acknowledgement of any of my hurts - hurts she caused or created, hurt to my kid!  She left so many things unresolved and I didn't want to resolve them in her afterlife.  I wanted her Earthly self to know, to see, to feel, to comprehend.  I was angry.  It wasn't about me.  It's about her. It's always been about her.  It will always be about her.

I knew one of my highlights of 2015 was coming up very soon.  I knew I couldn't avoid my mother's spirit forever.  I knew had to open up before my Reiki Master class and I knew I had to open up to accept the attunement and I knew it better to deal with her on my terms than her terms!  She blew in late one night and just like I knew she would, full of gifts and empty promises coupled with her backhanded apologies which I reluctantly accepted but, I told my guides and angels that if she came again they could relay her information to me because I didn't want to speak to her again.  So far, so good!

Please, hold that thought.  I did love my mother.   You may know her but, you were never her child and you can never understand.

In other 2014 blunders, my husband resigned from his job in November...with about 2 days notice to us.  Honestly?  This blunder is the best, yes I said THE BEST thing to happen to us!  The restaurant life is NOT easy, not on the parent nor the child.  Jeremy started his new job this week and for the first time in 9 years, I am not a single parent.  I have never been a co-parent. I don't know how to be a co-parent much the same as Jeremy doesn't know how to be home!  We're learning it all together.  Most importantly, we're ok.  We're figuring it out, we're together and we're really ok!

2015.  Oh what lies ahead!  My Jacob turns double digits this year, daddy's new job with less vacation time yet adding evening and weekend time, and taking a trip to see our Cardinals play the Tigers.  We're hoping for more pool time, more fires out back, and more camp outs in the yard.  We're doing some more work on our house and I'm deciding what to do with my Reiki Master certificate!

I know I can handle what comes to us.  It's good to be open again, to be back to myself.  I'm looking forward to new visions (visits) and the path forward.  It may not be as we planned in 2014 but, it will be what it will be and I'm looking truly forward.

Here's to a healthy, happy 2015 and all the opportunities ahead! 

So...!?!

It's time to turn a corner for me.

When my brother called to tell me that my mom had passed on, my world kind of stopped.  My body/heart/brain decided this was all just too much, too much to handle all at once and it kind of went into survival mode. It was a waiting thing, waiting for her obituary, waiting for a plan, for a memorial, waiting to feel.  Waiting for it to be over.

I remember saying to my sister, "once we get through our memorial, it'll be done.  It'll be over and I'll be ok".  I am.  I'm ok.  

So!?!

Now what?

We move on.  There is so much out there for me right now!  Halloween, my beautiful boy turns NINE soon, Thanksgiving and Christmas and my holiday time off.  This really is my favorite time of the year and I'm going to sit back, smile and enjoy it...while planning a kitchen remodel.  Seriously,  I hope to get back into my Reiki, take some more classes and get back into my meditations again. I wasn't kidding about the kitchen remodel either.  The days of having only 3 feet of workable counter space are coming to and end - as well as washing dishes by hand!

And there is work.  For real, I love my job and I am really looking forward to what is coming up, to see where it takes meand to see where the path leads with this company.  I realize I could easily become a statistic and well...there are no guarantees anywhere anymore and should that happen to me?   You know...that is God's plan.  He'll lead me where I should be.

How about this family thing?  I've got it pretty good here, these people seem nice enough.  I bet if I put in a little bit more time and effort,this could be even better.  We have a few trips planned for next year and I'm looking forward to that time.  More smiles, a lot of laughs. Hopefully some great memories too.  I think I'll keep them!  See how it goes.

So!?!

Onward and upward.  Away we go!  Bigger and better than ever before!  With a smile and some laughs.

I am not a victim

I stood in the cemetary with my sisters, and my brother again, looking over the now three graves...my dad, my sister and  my mom.   I thought to myself, "Here I am again."  

The first time I was here was November 1st, 1983.  The night of my sister's funeral.  I was 10.  We didn't have a graveside service for her but, as I found out much later, we all went to the cemetary that night, at different times to say another good bye.

We all came back here together in September 1999 when I was 26 to bury my dad.

As I stood there with everyone this time, I kept thinking, "I'm 41.  And I'm here, again.  41.  The third time and now burying my mom.  It's not fair.   I'm too young to bury my parents, to lose my sister.  It's just not fair!  I don't want to be an orphan!"

Notice I didn't say victim?

Because I'm not.  

I'm okay. I don't feel sorry for myself and no, I still haven't shed many tears losing my mom.  There are some who think I should break down in a flood but, it's not time.  I don't know when I will but, I do know it will come when I least expect it.  Or not.  It might not come at all.  Me not shedding a slew of tears doesn't mean I didn't love my mother or that I wanted anything from her death, it simply means I haven't processed it all yet.

In my heart of hearts I believe God gives us challenges.  Some for us to learn, some for us to teach, some for us to help another.  I don't believe He intended for us to walk around this Earth pointing out our own hurts to others to make them feel for us.  I think He wants us to learn and use what we have learned to move forward, and share our experience to help someone else.

I have experienced much in this short time, yes.  It's not what I have experienced that makes me who I am but, what I have learned from it, what I have drawn, how I have moved on or grown.

I am not a victim.  I have experienced hurt and loss but, that isn't all that I am.  I have experienced joy and happiness too.  I like to think I am a combination of all those things.  Victim is not in there.  

As I hugged my sisters, my brother, and listened to the pastor with his guitar, I am thankful to have them, my family, as different as we are.  They hold my past, my memories, my home and my history.  They are each a key to my parents and a part of them like me.

There is one plot left at that cemetary and I truly hope it's not filled in my lifetime.  I'll visit my family the next time I'm up home, and I'll cry a little for my family that I miss so much, I'll wish my sister were here to laugh and to tease my brother with me, I'll wish to see my dad's eyes sparkle  with pride for me just one more time, and the next time, I'll add a wish for my mom and I'll miss her too...I'm sure...a few tears will fall just for her.

I'm not a victim. I don't need you to feel sorry for me.  I don't need pity.  There is so much more to enjoy when you move or look forward.  When I miss my sister or my parents, I miss the good things about them.  I don't dwell on the loss. I want Jacob to look back at me and remember the fun we had, not me being sad and bitter for my losses. I don't want him to remember a victim.