Milestones

This past year 2008/2009 has sure presented it's challenges. And, I'm sorry I've been such a roller coaster. I have a couple more dips to get through...though I can't promise it'll all be sunshine and roses on the other side as I'm sure I'll fall in the shit more times than we can count but, I wouldn't be the same old stubborn me if I didn't. I'm just looking to getting out from under this cloud of grief that keeps chasing me.

I have some great milestones that I keep - Jacob's first laugh, his first steps, his first word, all those things from his first year, they're all written down in his baby book. Jeremy and I are always talking about how much progress Jacob has made in his speech and development. Even the SPD (sensory processing disorder) has seemed to calm down. So many great milestones for him and they're all wonderful memories. His 4th birthday is creeping up and we'll make even more.

Jeremy and I had our 7 year anniversary this past year. 8 years since we met. I'm looking forward to 10 years coming up too.

I have these other milestones though. Milestones that I don't have to write down for they keep haunting me and kicking me in the ass. I don't like them. I don't like the thought that soon - 10 years will have passed since the last time I saw my father's smile. I don't like knowing that will soon be 10 years ago when I sat in my friend Joe's parent's kitchen listening to the details of his suicide. It's incredibly sad that 25 years have passed since the morning I last spoke to my sister. I look at my life and I think of everything these people are missing. Then I wonder if they're truly missing it or are they here beside me, pushing me through the rough spots. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just afraid I'll forget them. (You know - I was typing about Joe and I got this strange warm feeling on the side of my leg, like when someone is sitting right up next to you. I'm sitting at my desk, in my cubicle, alone, and it's almost cold in here. I often get that feeling when I think of him - and ALWAYS if I have a dream about him and only in my right leg!)

I have experienced so much loss and I've always tried to be strong, to not make grief a visible part of me. I tell Jeremy all the time, that unless you have experienced loss and grief you cannot comprehend it. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I have ever done - ever experienced. It's hard enough to manage through it when it happens and when these milestones come around it's as if you're grieving the loss all over again.

I mostly wanted to thank you guys (I can't say 'and ladies' it sounds too corny) for being here. I want you to know that I consider myself blessed to have connected with each of you. I'm always thankful you're here to share a laugh or a tear - sometimes a tear brought by a laugh. Thanks for helping me through all of these milestones. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know!

Happy Father's Day/Happy Birthday!

I didn't want to celebrate birthday #36. Jeremy, Jacob, and I are having a nice dinner later tonight (T-bone steaks and king crab legs) with a cake that Jeremy and Jacob baked for me. I've cried a lot on the way here. I knew coming in that today was going to be tough. I knew I didn't want to share this day outside of my home. As I get older, I want to share it less and less. I'm content to stay home, have my birthday with my family and let Jeremy have his day as Jacob's dad, while I remember, and I can cry the tears I have and miss my father.

My dad and I always enjoyed having my birthday and Father's Day so close together but we both thought it extra special when it worked out on the same day (like this year) so we could share the day. I'd go to visit him for Father's Day and I'd peek around the door frame and call out "Happy Father's Day!" and his eyes would sparkle and he'd give me his biggest, deepest dimple smile with his laugh, and he'd call back "And Happy Birthday!" I remember his smile and I can still hear his voice. Some years, my sister Karen and her kids would meet Dad and I with a cake. Some years, he'd just fill me in on who had called or come to visit. I loved sharing that time with my dad.

My dad had the BEST smile. You could always see it start. First a tiny spark - really, you could see the flash - that turned to a little twinkle in his deep brown eyes. Then his dimples would get deeper. Those dimples - he had the deepest dimples I have ever seen. They were always there though - even if he wasn't smiling. Finally, one side would pull up, then the other and there it was. He always tried to hold back a laugh when he smiled. I find that I do the same thing.

My dad was always SO proud of his kids. When I'd visit, and the nurse would come to check him or someone would pop in to say hello, my dad's eyes would get that sparkle, the corners of his mouth would turn again as he began to smile and he'd say "This is the baby, here's #6, or this is Gail Ann." It was always one of the three, hmm, sometimes all three.

It was hard for me to have a relationship with my dad. I never knew him when he wasn't sick. He left home when I was 8. It was a very complicated situation and I was always disappointed that he never explained or talked to me about it though I do understand why it was the way it was. I spent many years torn between my dad and Edna - not knowing what to believe. Every child wants to trust and believe in their mother...and their father.

It's hard to lose a parent. I was only 26 when I lost my dad. I was still learning who I was, how I was and where I was, and I still had so much growing up to do. He was gone before I knew how sentimental I am and how much my family means to me. I have a lot of guilt for not spending more time with my dad. I wish a lot of things would have been different. Now he's gone and it's too late. I can't change it, I can't undo it, nor can I get the time back.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. We sure miss you today.

100 Random Things about Me

After all, the name of this place is Random Thoughts and I LOVE these goofy things...how appropriate. Some you may know - some you may not and they are in no special order.

1. I have a freakishly long 2nd toe. I mean freakishly long. Like people stare at it.


2. I HATE to go barefoot. Not only because of the toe - I hate the little rocks and stuff.


3. I don't like food on my plate to touch. I'll still eat it, but I prefer it not to touch.


4. I don't like nuts in things. I prefer them by themselves.


5. I had an imaginary friend that lived in a tree. His name was Brian A*. (I can't tell you his last name as that person does truly exist and I do know him now but, I didn't when he was my 'friend'.)


6. My Grandfather (Edna's Dad) was once a personal body guard for Henry Ford. My dad's dad was a mailman.
   
7. I believe in ghosts. I have never seen a ghost.


8. I'm afraid of the dark.


9. I have been engaged thrice, married once.


10. Once when Edna and I spent the night at her parents, the bed broke and we crashed to the floor.


11. I get sick if I eat Chinese buffet. I can eat Chinese just not from the buffet.


12. I never met my father's parents.
    
13. I HATE summer! Yes, I like the snow.


14. I lived in the same house from birth until I was 21. Edna still lives there.


15. I had an imaginary black cat, named Maude that I used to 'kick' out our slider door.


16. My favorite color is butter yellow.


17. I only like movies that could really happen.


18. I don't like slapstick funny movies or shows.


19. I have never watched an entire episode of SNL. Nope, not even one.


20. I still have the birth certificate from my Cabbage Patch Kid and I still have the doll. Bessie Clarice.


21. Pizza is my favorite. I like most everything on pizza. I don't like fish on pizza or specialty pizza - i.e. taco pizza.


22. I do like BBQ Chicken Pizza.


23. I'm learning to like fish.


24. I do not like Mexican Food. It's too bland. (tacos or enchiladas are an exception)


25. My first ever 'boyfriend' was named Jeremy.


26. I have eaten goat.


27. I have eaten turtle.


28. I have eaten snails.


29. I don't care to bake it's too precise.


30. I'm afraid of thunderstorms.


31. I would kill for anything made with rhubarb! Really, I would.


32. Cherries are another fave.


33. I used to eat celery stuffed with white bread with BBQ sauce on it. I don't anymore.


34. Jacob is named after the guy who introduced Jeremy and I.


35. Jeremy and I met on a blind date.


36. I can wiggle my ears.


37. I always watch the washing machine fill up for my first load of laundry - I don't know why.


38. I was 9lbs. 15 1/2 oz. and 22 inches when I was born.


39. I drink pickle juice.


40. My sister-in-law (and sometimes my sisters) save the black olives off of relish trays for me at family dinners. They put them in little baggies for me to take home.


41. My sister-in-law (brother's wife) has been my sister-in-law longer than she hasn't. And both of my brother-in-laws have been brother-in-laws longer than they haven't. Actually, I remember Cindy before she met Ron but, I don't remember Karen without Mike.


42. I cannot dance. At all. I don't try.


43. I don't like the smell after it rains. It smells like dead worms.


44. I don't wear nail polish.


45. I have only painted my toenails 1 time!


46. I don't eat pizza crust or pie crust - bread butts either!


47. Edna wanted to name me Beth.


48. I once fell off a horse - slid right off - down his butt and landed in the middle of my Grandma's road. My sister Valerie soon followed a little further down the same road.


49. I was a cheerleader in either 5th or 6th grade.


50. My earliest memory is eating the sugar Snoopy off of my first birthday cake.


51. I collect nostalgic tins - like old candy tins.


52. I have worked for the same company for 13 years.


53. White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha is my favorite Starbucks.


54. I rarely wear sandals. Partly the long toe thing, mostly I just don't like them.


55. I didn't want to change my last name when I got married. I liked my old name.


56. I can crochet - even the lacy doilies, but I cannot knit.


57. I can do counted cross-stitch too.


58. I kept every card and letter from my friend Emily.
    
59. I have 5 email addresses.


60. I only wear Nike sneakers.


61. My left ear is pierced 5 times. The right only 2.


62. I have no interest in hockey.


63. I'm a yellow gold jewelry wearer. I can't wear fake though. I break out.


64. My favorite sandwich is a turkey Reuben.


65. I don't typically order something new at a restaurant for fear I won't like it.


66. I am not a pack-rat.


67. Jeremy and I were married at 10:00 on a Tuesday morning.


68. After getting married, we went snorkeling.


69. I'm terrified of heights but, I enjoy flying in an airplane.


70. I have been out on the Pacific Ocean in a U.S. Coast Guard RHI and out on Lake Michigan in a U.S. Coast Guard 24 footer - just for fun.


71. I have been inside the lighthouse in Manistee and all the way to the top.


72. I refuse to take a cruise. I'm haunted by the RMS Titanic.


73. I'm very interested in the Titanic and the S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald.


74. I have crossed Lake Michigan on the S.S. Badger and I threw up while boarding. It's kinda high and those steps are on the outside.


75. I have never had a surgery.


76. I have never broken a bone.


77. I have a perma bruise on the bridge of my nose that shows up when I'm tired. I got hit really hard by an accidental elbow - but it wasn't broken.


78. My ears turn bright red when I'm angry.


79. I stammer when I have something I really exciting I want to say.


80. I cannot say bench or goose correctly. I say binch and geewse.


81. I don't like chocolate birthday cake.


82. My cousin once tried to drown me in Perch Lake - down the road from my Grandma's.


83. I say 'soda' but write 'pop'.


84. I prefer Pepsi to Coke, Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi and I like either/or if Cherry.


85. I disliked my friend Jeannie over throwing some ice. That was 15 years ago!


86. I have a bad habit of licking my lips so they're constantly chapped. I've always had this habit.


87. I have 2 tattoos.


88. I spend almost $1,000,000.00 every month. Sometimes more, sometimes less.


89. Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street, I called them Ert & Bernie when I was little.


90. I wear a size 10 shoe. That's the only size I'm telling you.


91. I have had glasses since 4th grade. Contact lenses since 9th grade. And I can't see anything without either of them.


92. When driving, I always plan my route so I don't backtrack and to minimize left turns.


93. I had 3 turtles that lived in a tub under our deck. Their names were Henry, Herman, and Todd.


94. I watched a mommy cow deliver a calf. I got to name the calf. I called him Mikey.


95. Asparagus is my favorite vegetable.


96. I like cranberry sauce as opposed to gravy on my turkey or chicken.


97. Salt & Vinegar are my favorite chips.


98. I have a little German blood...I love me some sauerkraut.


99. I don't like roller coasters.


100. I believe that Ketchup is it's own food group.

Whew! Have a great weekend!

Mystery Solved!

On my front porch, I have some flowerpots with a spike, some pansies, and another little flower. The other night, I was talking to Jeremy and he asked me who squashed my flowers on the left of the porch. He said the spike was bent and all the flowers were flat. I went out and looked and sure enough, everything was flattened and broken off. It looked like someone had sat on the pot (haha).

Now, last winter, our new neighbor admitted to the other neighbor that he'd had a little trouble finding his way home in a drunken stupor and spent part of the early morning hours sitting on our front porch. I thought, for certain he'd had a repeat performance.

I watered my poor squished plants and they were just starting to perk up again.

Jeremy called me at work and said he'd found out what happened to my plants.

He walked out the front door and there was my sweet Jacob with a broom, beating my flowerpot like an old rug.

Those perky plants - are now flat again...

Hi, my name is Gail and I am an addict.

This spring Pepsi threw out some new promotional products. I normally hate these things. I normally don't try them for fear I will fall in L O V E with something I can't have anymore. I obviously went against my own rules and tried the Mountain Dew throwback and now, I can't stop. They released this on April 20 for only 8 weeks. By my calculations, and I'm not good with math - they were done releasing...yesterday! It's true.

Our little store up the hill no longer sells this.

Our little grocery store no longer sells them.

Our little gas station is out.

The little gas station in Burnips only had Pepsi throwback.

Wal*Mart is out.

On Saturday, when I went to pick up Jacob, I stopped at a little Mom & Pop corner shop to check. They had 'em! I bought 6 - 20 oz. bottles. Cost me $9.04 out the door!!

Today, I brought one of my stash to work and put it in the boss' little fridge. I went to our coffee shop to replace my coffee that Jeremy lovingly prepared for me this AM but was sooo strong, I dumped it on the front lawn on my way into work. Anyway - I noticed they had Mountain Dew throwbacks in their cooler!! I bought a new one and left mine in the fridge. Ahh another day for a throwback!

I did try the Pepsi throwback and I didn't care much for it. It didn't seem to have much flavor. The Dew Throwback, on the other hand, lost the syrupy thickness from the high fructose corn syrup and regained the citrus flavor I remember as a kid. I think regular Mountain Dew now is rather bland. Though Pepsi went back to the 70's/80's taste for the throwbacks and I'm sure most of you weren't old enough to remember Mountain Dew then. Buncha kids drinking my throwbacks and they don't even know what it's all about! ;)

I'm about ready to go to the ATM and withdraw enough cash to buy the entire stock from the coffee ladies. I'm telling you at $1.25 per bottle - I could buy eight bottles for $10 - that's a much better deal than Mom & Pop's shop gave me! If this stuff can make me do math - I have a problem. Help!

Anyone have the 12 step program handy? Anyone? Bueller?

"I pull a airpwane!"

Sunday night, Jacob and I went on our "tour". We saw the City Police, the Sheriffs, we went out to see the ambulances then headed to "Donald's" for supper and to the airport for a picnic.

Have I told you that I LOVE our little city!?!

We got to the airport and there were 5 planes tied down. We watched one take off right away. I spread out our blanket by the parking lot as there was a plane in our usual spot. We ate and watched 2 more planes go out, including the plane in our spot. Of course, we moved over.

Jacob and I sat on our blanket and watched 3 more planes take off and we heard parachutes open! "Mommy! Wook! I see them!" as 3 skydivers came down. We watched them take off again and jump...again. It was a beautiful clear day and you could hear the conversation between the jumpers.

The skydiver plane came in for fuel (our spot is fairly close to the fuel pumps) so we watched him fill up and another plane came in behind him and was waiting his turn. The guy in the 2nd plane came over to talk to us. I believe he is the airport manager. He'd seen us there a few times and was curious. He told us about the skydivers and when they jump, he also told us about the Fly-in next weekend, we were planning to go anyway, and he answered a lot of questions I had. The Fly-in is like an airshow on the ground - and they'll be giving plane rides for a small fee. They have a pancake breakfast, concessions, etc.

He also let us know that it was okay for us to come there and picnic and stuff - I was a little concerned about trespassing/being in the way. This guy also gave us permission to go down where the skydivers land, if we want to.

The guy invited Jacob over to check out his plane. Jacob stood on the wing and looked inside. Then, then, THEN, the guy had to move his plane up to the fuel pump and rather than start it up and taxi the few feet, they have a little bar - looks like a wagon handle that hooks to the front wheel to pull the plane. The guy took the right side and Jacob took the left and he helped pull the airplane! Oh, he was so excited!

Of course, I was without a camera...

You know, we really are blessed to live where we live. The people in our community constantly amaze me with extra efforts they take to put a smile on a little boy's face. I LOVE this place!

Just an addition to how awesome they are.... Jacob and I were taking a walk through town and one of our City Ploice officers drove by and waved at Jacob. We continued on our walk and decided to go to the park next to the police station. While walking there the same police officer pulled into the driveway and called out to us. "Hey", I turned around to see him. We walked toward him, "I have something you might like" with that, he pulls out a sticker that is in the shape of a police badge. Now, mind you, that gesture in itself although nice, doesn't come across as extroardinary. What impressed me was that we didn't know he was back there, he could have just parked and gone in and we would not have known. He went out of his way to put a smile on Jacob's face. - Jeremy

Princess?

"Mommy? What these?"

"Panties"

"I wear them?"

"Sure"

"I take my pants off first." And Jacob removes the bottoms of his blue baseball jammies and proceeds to put both of his legs through one leg hole and pulls up the panties.

"I show Daddy."

Picks up a towel and drapes it over his head. "I a princess!"

I tried to get the camera - I really tried!