The Spirits of Christmas

Some of you may know this and some of you may be in shock after you read this but, spirits come to visit me and I generally know they are here by smell.  For instance my dad, he's around most often and he smells like gun oil.  One of my fondest memories of him is sitting at the dining room table while he cleaned his hunting rifle with gun oil.  If you have ever smelled it, you know how unique that is and there is no way to mistake it for something else and nothing else that smells like it. He generally comes to me when I'm stressed or upset, generally in my not so fine moments and he gently reminds me to be patient, to be kind, to breathe.  I do occasionally hear his voice but, most often it's his hand on my shoulder and the disappointment he would have shown me when he was here.  And it feels just as if he's right next to me!

Christmas Day, and the days leading up to it, I was constantly smelling cigarette smoke.  At times it was faint, at times it would burn my nose, it was so strong.  I kept asking Jeremy and Jacob if the could smell it and the answer was always "No."  Finally, I said out loud "Who are you?", and I heard a whisper "Grandpa" and I knew it was my Grandpa Nolff, Edna's father.  I took this photo of Jacob on Christmas.  Can you see the huge orb on your left?  Say "Hi" to my grandfather.  He spent Christmas with us. 

My sister, Valerie, and I wish I could explain this to you better but, she is always with me.  She doesn't give me a scent but, simply a knowing.  I know she is always with me.  I feel her.  Once in awhile, I'll hear her laugh.

Until Christmas, it's only been my dad and my sister with me.  Grandpa was a new visitor and I wondered why now?  He's been gone for a little over 20 years!  They say after 20 they don't come back...but, who is to say "they" know everything! 

I went to bed the night of Christmas day, and I said to Jeremy, "I smell orange/vanilla cake and lavender".  I could see a glimpse - like someone showed me a photo of an old woman, gray hair, the old cat's eye glasses.  It resembled a church directory photo.  I remember saying to him, "I don't know who she is but, she needs help".  I went to sleep that night dreaming of orange/vanilla cake.  I don't like orange vanilla cake.

Think about this today for tomorrow, I'll tell you about the woman with the cake! 

From the archives: Random thoughts, and just...Us: Going Home

We have been touched by so much death lately.  It always makes me think of my own, and what I want to happen with the physical me when I pass away.  It's time to share this again.

Random thoughts, and just...Us: Going Home: Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there: I do not sleep I am a thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glints off snow I am the s...

Happy 7th Birthday Jacob!

My mom's brother Dan was killed in Vietnam in 1966.  My grandparents gave my brother Uncle Dan's Lionel train.  A few years ago, we had Christmas with my brother and he had his train out around his Christmas tree and my Jacob fell in LOVE!  Finally, this year, my 7 year old boy got his train, "Just like Uncle Dude's!"

Small celebration this year.  He asked for cake and bowling.  That's what we gave him and wouldn't you know, my little boy, he beat us all at bowling with a 114!

Happiest of Birthdays to you my 7 year old boy!

Mourning

“If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels. And if you have not, then you cannot possibly imagine it.” ~ Lemony Snicket 

 

Mourning, grieving, crying, hurt, and loss.  They all go together.  I have mourned, grieved, cried, hurt and lost so many, my father, grandparents, my sister, good friends and two unborn children.  The older I am, the more loss there seems to be.  It doesn't get any easier, this mourning.  It seems to always be there and just when we've finished with one, another sneaks in behind it. 

 

Death is often with me.  Spirits come and go.  Some speak with me, some don't.  I often think of these people, who they were in life.  Why they come to me.  Seriously, in my own experiences with death, I have experienced more loss before I was 30 than most of you will experience ever but, I always think of the people who are left behind.  I already know the person who passed has already gone home.

 

I think of my mom, burying her daughter.  How does a mother bury her child?

 

I think of my sister, she was with my dad when he passed. How does a daughter watch life escape with her daddy's last breath?

 

I think of Jacob's grandpa, he married his high school sweetheart.  How does a husband say goodbye to his wife?

 

I think of my dear friend, she met a co-worker.  They married, started a business together, raised their children, had a life together.  What do you do when you wake up and find he's passed on in the night?

 

I think of my babies, the precious unborn souls. How do you accept?  How do you begin to heal?

 

I don't know the answers and they are my own questions. There are no rules to mourn.  There is no time limit on grief.  Everyone sees it differently, everyone handles it differently.  There is no right, there is no wrong.

 

It seems to be easier for me when people are older, have health issues or chronic illness.  It's easier for me to think that their journey here on Earth is done.  To think they are healed in Heaven, and free from pain.  I believe that our loved ones are always with us.  If that is because I have spirits come to me, it may be, so I know they are always here. That is my belief however, whatever you need to get through, then it's the right thing for you.

 

I take great comfort in knowing my father is in Heaven with his father, his brothers, with his Heavenly Father.  I know my dad is free from his crippling disease, fishing and hunting near the Clam River that he loved so much. 

 

I know my sister is in her Heavenly home, watching over my sisters, my brother, and our children.  Keeping us safe and blessing our dreams.

 

I'm happy for Jacob's grandma to finally meet Jesus.

 

And my babies, they weren't meant to be here.  It simply wasn't their time.  I have come to accept it, somehow.  I'm still healing.

 

Mourning?  Healing?  I don't think one comes without the other.  One step, one day at a time.

Rest in Peace Grandma S.

Memories

© Louise Bailey

I feel a warmth around me
like your presence is so near,
And I close my eyes to visualize
your face when you were here,
I treasure the times we spent together
and they are locked inside my heart,
For as long as I have those memories
we will never be apart,
Even though we cannot speak any more
your voice is always there,
Because every night before I sleep
I have you in my prayer.

I'll never forget the first time I spoke to her.  I answered the phone one afternoon, shortly before Christmas and she said to me "Hello, this is Nancy S. and I'm Jacob's grandma."  We became fast friends.  I trusted her immediately with my child and I came to love her like a mother.  She introduced me as her daughter and I was honored.

There were a few late nights she'd catch me on Facebook and she'd just know I was sad.  Soon after, my phone would ring and she'd have me laughing in a matter of minutes.  I always knew when my phone rang after 10 PM that it was her!

We had so much in common, she was from Shelby and I from Manistee.  We both loved being "up north", close to the lake.  We liked to sew and craft and we talked about everything under the sun.  She'd take my arm and say "Me too!  Me too!".  We were never short on conversation - or on laughs!

She helped me to get back to church.  It was one Sunday morning, in church with them, I actually saw the ray and felt the warmth of light from a Heavenly beam shining on me.  I felt all of my angst, and all of my anger with God disappear and my faith in Him came back to me. I remember looking at her when I saw the ray to see if she was seeing it too.  I looked to see if anyone else was seeing it!  I asked her if she saw or felt the ray, she said no but, she was so happy for me to have found my faith again.  She said she was a little jealous that I got the ray and she didn't!

Jacob spent the night with her a few times and, it was there we discovered his love for toy vacuums.  He met his sisters and brother while with her.  And he often asked to go see her and we didn't go.  I feel bad, after her strokes, we lost contact.  I was afraid to visit her, not knowing what condition she was in.  I was afraid Jacob wouldn't understand.  She was in and out of different hospitals and care homes so often, that I couldn't keep track of where she was.  She'd be doing better and then worse!  We did finally visit her at home a few weeks ago - just before Jacob's 7th birthday.  She was in good spirits that day and it was a glimpse of the woman I had known.  We talked for quite some time.  I'm so happy we went to see her that day.  I'm glad to have that last memory of her.

Jacob and his Grandma, Halloween 2011.

We celebrated her life today. It eases our pain to know she is finally free from hers.  Rest in peace, Nancy.  We loved you more than you'll ever know!

The Holidays

It's true.  I totally fell into a shithouse and came out smelling like a rose.  Yeah, this is an off color start to this post but, it is nothing but truth.  I have a GREAT job.  I was fired from the job I had...16 years ago.  It was one of the WORST times of my life!  And the BEST time of my life.  You see, I was forced to move away and I got a chance to reinvent myself.  I kept some of my past under wraps, I didn't tell anyone I was fired from my old job.  And when I moved into this job, they knew I had a background in Electronics but, I never told them or any of the suppliers, or supplier representatives where I got said background.

I remember my first year working here, I started November 17, 1996.  Just before Thanksgiving.  I had to have 90 days in to be paid for the holiday, so I worked.  Christmas shutdown rolled in the next month, again, I had to have 90 days in to be paid for the holiday, so I worked.  I didn't mind.  I had some debts to clear up.  Which I did.  I worked the holidays the next few years as well.  Simply for the extra money.

I didn't define holiday very well now did I?  This is the part where I smell like the rose.  I work in Automotive.  And "The Big Three" as well as the littler three, all shut down for the holiday season.  Nothing builds, nothing ships in or out.  So nothing ships in or out of my office.  For me, the Christmas holiday, well this year it began at noon on Friday, December 21 and I came back to my office on Wednesday, January 2.  Yes, I am paid for those 7 business days as holiday pay.  It's like an extra week of vacation!  I typically work a bit here and there, check email and approve some invoices so I'm not as far behind on the return to my desk.  This year, I spent a lot of time with Jacob.  So much so that he cried when I had to go back to work.  :(

I didn't take or share many pictures over the holiday but, here are just a few.

It was a helicoptor kind of Christmas (and he LOVES them!)

Jeremy and I both laughed at this visit to Santa.  This was the night of Jacob's 7th Birthday (I'll share some photos of that later) and Santa asked Jacob what he wanted for Christmas.  It was A Christmas Story flashback for Jeremy and I when Jacob says "A basketball."  We have like 3 basketballs in the basement, and this kid has talked nothing but trains for months and months!

Has Santa ever left you a thank you note?

Kelsey and I did A LOT of this!  Though it was more of her sleeping ON me.



Birthday pictures to come soon!  As soon as I find that other memory card!

Happy New Year!

2013?  Already?  Wow!  I turn 40 this year!  Yes, that was my first thought.

And after that thought, came what am I going to write about now?  I'm not one for resolutions but, I have come across a few things this year that I do want to apply to myself, or make a more conscious effort to do or to practice.

Such as:

I believe we all have parts of us we would like to be better or to improve.  I think we all wish for better health, more money, to magically drop some weight.  In all honestly, I believe we can create much better luck if you will, for ourselves if we simply put our best foot forward and work hardest on being the best person we can be.

I wish you all a safe and happy 2013!