The Wind Against Your Face

“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.” ― C. JoyBell C.

I have a hundred quotes or sayings about pain, about hurt, about healing.  I have experienced so much hurt and disappointment in my life and I'm drawn to the inspiration to pull myself back up and give it another go.  Life is kind of like that - a series of knocking downs and getting ups - over and over and over.  Some of us have a tougher go.  Some, a clear paved path.  It's our lot.  It's what we chose to learn here before we came.  It's God's path for us to learn these lessons.

When I talked with Madame Lemmetakeyourmoney, and I have to take her as a learning experience - I did learn from her, it was supposed to happen - but, I learned about my pain.  When she had me list out those 7 negatives in my life, those were also 7 huge life changers for me.  Had she not brought my attention to them, I'd still see them as these painful things that happened to me.  Sure, they are painful but, I got through them, past them.  I've learned from them and I'm trying to improve myself as a result of them.  I need to overcome them.

My 7 negatives were all events in my life.  Not people.  Not what anyone has "done" to me, not how anyone has treated me.  Simply events.  I thought that interesting, people.  People walk in and out of our lives ALL the time.  Think about the people you pass on a daily basis.  You don't know them, they don't know you. You can't control what people see, or what they think.  You often can't change their perception.  Some people make up their minds about another person and hell nor high water will change it. I can't make you think well of me.  I can only think the best about you.  It's my choice to do so and to continue to move forward.  I choose to build the great people relationships that I do have and to let go of the ones that are not meant to be.  And that's OK.

I can't change these 7 events in my life to improve my future.  I can't undo my parents divorce, I can't bring my dad or my sister back from death, I can't fix broken engagements or unbreak some one's heart.  I can't bring life to my babies that I lost. But, I can learn.  I can have empathy.  I can understand.  I can be kind.  I can realize the pain others do have only from drawing on my own.

Madame Lemmetakeyourmoney and her $375.00 to heal my energy...sure...okay....whatever (and no, I didn't pay here that much).  I think of it this way, had I not met her, I wouldn't have understood this pain I have, that I was hanging onto and what it was doing to me.  I wouldn't have understood about people - people who make assumptions/judgements about other people rather than simply seeing the good in them.  I wouldn't have been able to shut the door to the negative things I don't have room for anymore to open the door to a happier, positive, better life for me and my family.

I give you this.  Think about the 7 negatives in your life.  Not only as a bad or a negative experience but, think of them as what they taught you, where they led you, or what they brought to you.  Are they still negative?  I'd love to hear your answer.

Psychic? Medium? Healer? Huh?

I came clean.  I told you what I've been up to these past few years.  I guess you wonder what that means.  Where I'm heading?  What's next?  Well...I don't know.  I'm trying to take as many classes as I can - I said that.  I am, taking an advanced mediumship class here in a few weeks.  It's not to teach me how to be a medium, it's to help me practice and to understand the messages that come to me.

My goal, eventually, some day, is to be a psychic/medium.  I don't know how long it will take before I hang my rainbow palm in the front window and take on paying customers - if I ever will.  Right now, I'm content to practice, to work on bettering my spiritual self and just to live happy.

Psychic?  Medium?  Healer?  Huh?  WTF are you talking about?

Let me backtrack a minute and define some of this for you.

A Psychic is a person who claims to have an ability to perceive information hidden from the normal senses through extrasensory perception (ESP), or who is said by others to have such abilities.

A Medium(ship) is defined as the practice of certain people—known as mediums—to mediate
communication between spirits of the dead and other human beings.

A Psychic and Medium typically go together.  If you're psychic you're typically a medium as well.

And there is a spiritual healer - holds the belief that a healer can channel healing energy into the person seeking help by different methods: hands-on, hands-off, and distant(or absent) where the patient and healer are in different locations.  The Reiki I have used is spiritual healing. 

I do see a psychic/medium from time to time.  She is, uh...affordable, accurate, I know her well and I trust her.  She is the first true psychic/medium I have worked with and sadly, as I continue on this path, I will eventually outgrow her. I'm not looking forward to that day but, it is what is supposed to happen.  No matter how much I grow, I will always remember when I met her, she looked at me and said "you can do this, you already do this.You make the hair on my arms stand on end!" 

Scammers?  They're out there.  I have been scammed.  Quite recently actually.  I saw a new reader just last week.  She was a little pricey but, ah...it's just one reading.  This reading lasted about an hour and she was good.  REALLY good!  Now, I know my way around the block - I'm not an easy sell.  All this woman knew about me when I walked in her door was my first name and my cell phone number.  There is no way she could research me.  She was able to see things and confirm things that I had not spoken of.  I answered her questions but, I did not volunteer her any information.  At one point, I even began to cry about some of the painful things she knew/confirmed.  She looked at me and said "You have had 2 miscarriages before your son."  Yes, I suspected there were more but, 2 that I know for certain.  She spoke of friendships which are no more and why.  She was pretty good so, when she told me that I carry too much burden for someone my age, and she could help me.  She was deeply touched by my pain and I can't even remember what else she said. I agreed to work with her to help heal my "bleeding" spirit and set up my appointment for the next day.

I told my friend who was with me about it, and I said that my homework was to list seven negative events in my life.  I remember the look on her face-she was a little stunned and she said "Seven?  That's a lot!"

I looked at her and said "But, I already have 6."

I debated continuing on with this.  I talked it out with Jeremy, with a friend and thought on it over night.  And went back to the woman the next day.

I walked into her "office".  It was empty (they were out back smoking when I pulled in) but, I could smell the french fries from the fast food bag on the table.  The other table, someone had been working a jigsaw puzzle, so I waited.  Finally, she came in and invited me to the other room.  She looked at me and said "And you are?"  I told her my name.  "What are you hear for?"

And I knew.

I thought she was so moved by my pain.  I thought she never gave out her personal phone number.  I thought she was going to do a special meditation for me that night before?  You'd think with all the fluff she could at least remember my name!  She repeated a bit of what she had told me the day before about pain and my wounded spirit. She also kept repeating how important it was not to tell anyone of this "work" between her and I.  I drove an hour and 15 minutes to get there.  I was there for 26 minutes got 3 sticks of incense   And she didn't even know my name?

I asked God to protect me from whatever negative energy she would send me. I cancelled the appointment I had scheduled.  I am not going back.  I'm not angry.  I simply learned a valuable lesson.  I sat at that table, and I tried hard not to cross my arms (crossing your arms closes you off and essentially tells a psychic/medium that you are closed and not allowing them to read).  I didn't want to be obvious that I had locked her out. 

As always, if something sounds too good to be true, it most certainly is.  Listen to your inner voice, it will never steer you wrong!

Sending you love and light!

Meet Samantha!

It's time I come clean.

I'm tired of keeping it quiet.  I'm tired of it being a secret. I'm tired of holding it in.  I'm tired of feeling weird, odd, different, shunned, and about 900 other things.

A few years ago, I started getting terrible headaches.  I have a really high pain threshold and these were BAD.  I have had to pull over while driving in fear of blacking out.  Jacob and I were stranded at the airport one afternoon because I couldn't see to drive us home.  I was about to call our local police for help.  It was THAT bad.  I'm not one for Doctors.  I don't believe they know everything.  Sadly, it is hard to find a good one to care for you and not your bank account.  I don't care what oath they take!

I began searching some alternate healing methods for my headaches.  I seem to recall telling you about Reiki before so, I am not going into detail again but, I did give you a link if you need a refresher.  In some of my sessions, I began to feel some relief from the pressure in my head.  At one point, the practitioner had asked me if I ever thought I could be psychic.  I said, "You know what? It's possible."

I have always had an inner voice, a LARGE conscience, a different drive than others.  I have always been able to sort people out, see to their core.  But, I never paid much (any) attention to it.  Over the last 2 or 3 years, I have been taking any class I can on psychic ability, reading most every book recommended to me about it and praying more than you can ever imagine about what to do with this gift.  What it is.  How it got here.  Echo Bodine, James VanPraagh, are amazing!  I have personally worked with Echo and met (only met - not like sat and had a chat over coffee) James just this fall.  Echo helped me so much.  To see that I wasn't a freak. To know that this is Godly and not Satanic!  I highly recommend her books!  She is a great teacher!

First of all before you even think it, my faith in God is HUGE.  He is bigger and more encompassing than ever. I have grown spiritually in ways that I could never explain to you. I pray harder.  I pray longer.  I pray more often than I ever have in all of my life.  Sometimes, I speak to God as if he were my own dad sitting next to me.  I am back in church,a Lutheran church.  I'm not happy with this church.  This service is actually too contemporary.  I prefer a more traditional service. I believe there is more to church, to faith, than what it teaches but, I do like the people.  I'm happier than I've been in a very long time.I have a deeper understanding of Heaven and Earth. I have a deeper understanding of my place in it. It is amazing.

I can't say this enough.  My faith is STRONG.  I am still just as Lutheran - more so than ever!

The only difference is, I meditate more often.  I pray more often.  And well, my dead brother-in-law stops in for a  visit every now and again as does my dear old dad - he always stinks up my house with the smell of gun oil.  If you have ever smelled gun oil, you know there is no other smell like it.  There is no substitute for it or anything to explain it away!  My right arm will begin to shake when a spirit stops by.  It doesn't happen every day but, it does happen.  I get very strong feelings about people, about places, about things or objects.  I do not see spirits though sometimes, they do speak to me.  God is on my side.  He always protects me.

That said, let's see, I'm about 10 for 12 on choosing the sex of unborn babies.  I may tell you of a health issue but, that doesn't mean it's going to happen and you should run to your doctor.  I'll tell you if you do need to.  This often happens to me when writing emails or chatting of the computer.  I have one person that I often tell to drink more water (she doesn't listen and her kidneys are going to kick her ass!).  I don't know when you're going to die, when I'm going to die, or when her kidneys are going to kick her ass.  I may tell you I will be somewhere and as I'm getting ready, I'll get a clear message telling me to stay home.  I may cancel a trip because it's not the right time.  Not in fear of something happening but, it's just not the time or the place for me to be.  And it gets frustrating.  And it makes me nuts.  Once, I had to - needed to go shoe shopping for Jacob and they kept telling me no, no, no, no.  I finally gave in and I didn't go.  But, sheesh!  Talk about annoying!

I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe that is God sending us our lessons, our affirmations, our directions.  I believe we're here to learn, to teach not to simply just be.  And I'm not going to "convert" you to anything, or sell you anything or read you.  That's not how it works.  I can't read your mind...though there are some I might want to...hmmm?

I've come to a point in life where this girft is so amazing to me.  To be happening to me. It's different and it's a part of me.  I can't turn it off.  I can't make it go away.  I tried.  I've tried many times. I can say I haven't had headaches like those first ones since I've opened up spiritually.  I hope they don't come back!  Oh, they were awful!

I'm not any different than you.  You have the same ability as I.  You can believe in God.  You can pray.  You have an inner voice that leads you as well.  You can listen to it.  Or not.  You can continue to be my friend, or not.  The choice is yours.

Sending you Light and Love!

Life is an Echo

I have so much to say lately.  I feel like a social media lunatic.  Tweet, status update, blog post, tweet, status update, blog post and I can't seem to stop.

I talked a little yesterday about where I want to move and go, I talked about eliminating the negatives in my life.   And well, the above photo/quote popped up on my Facebook news feed yesterday afternoon.  I don't believe in coincidence.  I believe those things are God's way of saying "Here I am, pay attention to me!" and when he speaks, I listen.

I have worked really hard this last year to put a lot behind me.  The things we all have, family issues, money issues, parenting issues, marriage issues, friend issues - whatever - just that junk we all have.  I also noticed earlier this fall that I've started having panic/anxiety attacks when dealing with some people/situations.  I've also realized that someone I thought needed and appreciated my help, was completely and totally taking advantage of me and my generosity.  I have since closed my wallet and my mouth.  I am learning to recognize these things faster/better/sooner and I'm not punishing anyone.  I'm simply moving on.  I have to for my health and my sanity.

I've spent a lot of time the past 10 years, being angry.  There is nothing beautiful in being angry.  There is no kindness in anger.  There is no peace in anger.  There is no joy in anger.  There is no laughter in anger.  I don't want to be angry.  I am thankful for my husband and my child, my home, my job, my family and friends and well, I'd rather count my blessings - the things that truly matter to me, than to be angry with what is leftover.

My friend Bonnie warned me that my circle was going to get even smaller this year and it has - yet it has grown.  I look at it as going back to basics.  I'm trying to get to the core.  To the people who have always been honest and true to me.  To the people who help me build and grow myself.  To the people who strengthen, nurture, and truly love me.  To the people who need this in return, and will accept it from me. To the people who want to be with me for those things and not the material things they can take, trick, or connive from me.  I've connected with some new people, and I'm learning to build and grow again.

I'm sending out love, light, positive thoughts and energies.  I'm sending goodness and grace.  Because I want those things to come back to me.  I ask God to help these people who have taken advantage of me, to heal their hearts as well, because I want that for them and I want that for me.

Happy New Year!

Most people wait until The New Year to look back, to reflect on the past year.  This year, I've been so looking forward to October 1 for my calming down, my new beginning.  Now that it's finally here, I can't help but look back on this past year to see how far I've come.

I have a new boss this year.  I was with the old one for almost 10 years.  Though I like him, my job responsibilities had grown so far away from him that I almost felt like his lack of understanding of my systems etc. were holding me back.  No fault of his nor mine.  He manages component qualifications not financials.  I am happy where I am.  My new boss is certainly a different personality and I am interested to see what our 2nd year brings.

Jeremy and I both have had some changes at work this year.  I've worked more overtime than ever, spent more money than ever and well, Jeremy's had some new experiences at work as well.  I'm not going to go into details here because I don't know if I can...but, let's just say we're on the other side now, waiting for new insurance to kick in, and a change in paydays, 401K, etc.  It's been a trying few months but, we're all ok!

This also marks 1 year since I broke off the relationship with my mother.  Some say 'how could you do that?, She's your mother." and on and on.  I've heard them all.  I do love my mother.  I really do.  I miss the person she once was.  I am proud of the values she gave me, the lessons she taught me. I'm proud of the person she shaped me into.  I am not angry with my mother.  I am sad for her.  I am sad that she would rather wallow in self pity than enjoy her family, her grandchildren.  I'm sad she'd rather count her pennies, than give anything enjoyable to herself.  I'm sad that she would rather count what she's given away than count the gifts she's been been blessed with.  I'm sad that she prefers to count her friends than be a friend.  I'm sad that she can only see the pain in her past, rather than the joy in her future.

I'm looking back at myself this last year.  I've learned so much about myself about where I want to go what I want to do.  I have met some exceptional people.  I had the opportunity to meet and study with psychic/medium/healer Echo Bodine who helped to restore my faith in God.  Who taught me to listen to that "Still Small Voice" within me and my God will lead me everywhere that I need to go.  I also had (and narrowly missed) the opportunity to meet and attend "An Evening of Spirit" with James VanPraagh.  Through these people, and of course some cleaning and clearing of some not so positive people from my life, I've learned more and more who I want to be.  And I want to be happier, healthier, more fun.  I want to laugh more and enjoy my life.  I want to have great friends that I love - that love me for me and all the dumb shit I do.  I want to laugh.

Most of all, when I turn 80, can't walk and barely talk, I want to be able to look back at myself and I want to smile.  I want to remember laughter and happiness. I want to remember loving and being loved.  I want to remember the blessings I've been given.  And I hope to be a counted blessing.

I wish for all of you to take some time and (sorry Kate - I'm saying it again) just breathe.  Think about the things that really matter to you.  Think about what is truly important.  Think about the things you say or do and the memories they make.  Do you have room to improve?

It hasn't been an easy year, it's been a learning year.  It's been a purging year.  It's been a cleansing year.  I'm ready to move forward to a new year.  I'm ready to give this new year the best that I've got, and I hope that is what it gives back to me. 

Wishing you all love and light.  Happy New Year!

Different

I think a lot.  I think often.  I think about a variety of things.  I think about the same things.  I think about life.  I think about death.  I think about living.  I think about dying.  I think about everything in between.  I'm just a thinker.

I think about what my parents taught me, maybe I'm not the result they intended, maybe what I learned wasn't what was meant to be taught but, it certainly is the result.

My parents taught me to think.  To think for myself.  To form my own opinions.  To stand up for myself, even if it means standing alone.

My parents taught me to make an educated decision - to weigh one side against the other, to look at the outcome and to choose what I feel is best.  My parents taught me to find the definition and do the research, to educate myself.

My parents taught me to take care of myself, my things, to be responsible for my things, things belonging to others, my words, my actions, my reactions.

My parents took me to church to learn about God and Jesus, and my faith.  My parents understood when I lost my faith and they were glad when I found it but, they never once pushed it. 

My parents taught me consequences, respect, to listen to my inner voice, and to follow my conscience.

My parents taught me to speak up when I'm wrong, when I've made a mistake.  Yet, they were there to help me fix it.

My parents were tough.

My parents weren't mushy, weren't huggy, weren't cuddly, hell - my mother is barely even friendly but, I can't blame my parents for what may be wrong with me or my life.  My parents didn't teach me to blame someone else. I knew it was all on me.

My parents taught me to get my ass up off from the ground, dust myself off and go again - only this time, think about where it is I'm going first.

My parents made me work.  I helped with laundry, cooking, cleaning, yard work, taking out the trash.  As a teenage girl I whined about it all but, I never got a free pass.

I'm different.  I'm a thinker.  I want my kid to be a thinker.  I want him to learn how to dust himself off and go at it again.  I want him to be responsible, respectful, accountable, honorable, knowledgeable.  I want him to be strong, determined, and relentless.  I want his self esteem and his integrity to be high.  I want him to know he is loved more than anything.

I want him to be different. I want him to think!

Thoughtfulness

I was driving to work this morning thinking about a Facebook post a friend had written earlier(at one time, I was very, very close to this family) and her family who lost two uncles, had a mother diagnosed with cancer and lost that mother all within about the span of 8 weeks.   In this post, she was thanking everyone for their kindness, friendship, etc. Which got me thinking about thoughtfulness.  All these people surrounded this family.  All these people stepped in.  It amazed me.

I remember when my sister was killed, our counter tops were jam packed with food.  Casseroles, cakes, lasagnas, salads, cookies - so much food.  People just kept coming and coming.  We even had to freeze some of it - there was so much!  I'll always remember that. I always wanted to help. I am now signed up with our church to help with funeral dinners.  I know at least one of my sisters is too.  I don't remember my mom ever doing that.  I don't remember her ever taking a dish to someone.

I was to bring cookies for a school meeting once.  My class was responsible for the refreshments.  I ran home and told my mom, I was so excited.  I asked and asked to bake cookies to take.  I wanted to take something special, something homemade.  She sent me to school that night with two packages of generic, white, duplex creme cookies.  I was heartbroken and she never said a word.  Never acknowledged my feelings, explained - nothing!

I need to go shopping this week for a friend who just had a baby.  My cousin's daughter is having a baby, I was invited to the shower but, I can't go - I'll send her a gift in the mail.  My mom's response would be, "What did she invite me for?  Oh, for the gift!"  I do not know her.  It doesn't matter.

I had wanted to bake cookies for a boyfriend once, he was in the hospital after a car accident, and she said to me "You never bake ME cookies!  I'm good enough to buy all the ingredients - you use my sugar, my flour...".  I didn't take him cookies.

As you can see, I wasn't taught to be thoughtful.  To think of others before myself.  To do for someone else just out of the goodness of my heart.  I didn't have a good example to follow.  I, of course want better for Jacob.  I think it comes natural for kids to want that too - I also think as mothers it is up to us to encourage or to nurture them.

In this almost a year without my mother in my life.  I have learned more about the kind of person I want to be.  I want to be more generous with my time, my talents.  I want to share with my church and be of some help to a grieving family.  I want to welcome new babies to the family and my friends - they're only that little once.  I want to take up collections for families/children in need.  I want to teach my son to give rather than to get.  I want him to be thoughtful.  I want him to grow in this, maybe I have an extra blessing in doing this together with him, in learning it at the same time.  All I can do is the best I can do.

**It was never my intent to bash or berate my mother.  I don't feel that I have, you may feel otherwise and well, that's okay.  There are many reasons I have chosen not to maintain a relationship with her.  You can think that I am cruel or she is a saint.  I do not care.  I will say this - she is who she is and I am who I am, had she been someone else, I wouldn't be me!  I am always thankful to her for choosing to give me life and that will never change.  As for the rest is and always will be between me and Thee.