Gray

I'm taking a little break from the dare thing - it's beginning to get a little more challenging - writing the result without spelling out the exact dare.  I don't feel like a challenge today.

You may have noticed that it's a little gray around here.  It matches me.  I've been working on a lot of things about myself.  I'm so afraid to write from my heart.  I'm afraid to open up again.  I'm afraid to laugh, terrified to be me again. 

I learned to be alone, to take care of myself, to find my own answers, and not to lean on anyone be it for help, support or a shoulder to cry on because I'm not supposed to cry or be hurt. Yet, I don't talk, don't ask, and mostly don't tell.

I'm a very guarded person.  I learned that I had to be.  I have a hard time with people.  I don't trust people.   Too many people take innocence and turn it into terrible, mean, and spiteful things that should never be said or done to anyone.  It's the only means I have had to protect myself.

I'm not good with words when meeting new people. I try to be witty and it comes out mean or sarcastic, so I'm quiet and then I'm a snob. But I'm not!  I'm really just scared. I'm not good in awkward situations. I don't say anything because I don't want to offend anyone but, then I don't say enough and you think I don't care. Most times, I'm not included because I'm awkward and an embarrassment. I don't mean to be but, I can't win.

I don't know how to make friends, not because I don't like someone but because I'm afraid of them.  I'm afraid that they'll hurt me.  I'm afraid to trust, to tell my secrets.  I'm scared that one day, you'll come back and slap me in the face with them.  I don't call because I want you to prove that you want to be my friend instead of me having to prove my worth to you. 

This person isn't who I wanted to grow up to be.  I didn't want to carry a heavy heart.  I didn't want to be this social misfit who's afraid to have any friends.  I don't want to be, to be...this...whatever it is...and I don't know how or if I can be anybody else.

Yep, it's a little gray around here with a good chance of rain.

Dares 2, 3, and 4

Jeremy does a lot of things for me out of kindness.  He gets my coffee in the mornings and provides the many reheats of it during the day as well.  He typically takes care of the dishes and brings the full baskets of laundry upstairs too.  At times, I wonder what I do for him on a daily basis...

We agreed to combine dares 2 & 3 because we're a little short on cash this week (the first paycheck of the month is always tighter for us). 

I typically don't purchase books for Jeremy as he reads a totally different genre than I do - sci-fi, folklore, legends, hobbitts, trolls, etc. and I don't know anything about it, so I stay away. Thursday afternoon, I had to run to the bookstore and I happened on a book that I thought Jeremy might like and brought it home for him.

Friday, I was all set for Cactus Chili on the soup bar along with a leftover club sub from a luncheon the day before when I got a call at my desk.  Jeremy and Jacob were coming to take me out to lunch!  After, they came back to my office for a little bit.  Jacob got his 'yellow chips' from the machine and a donut from the coffee shop too.

Of course we're still working to restrain from negative comments to each other - it's not that we did or do a lot of that anyway.  I mean we have our little jokes between ourselves.  For me, and I can't speak for Jeremy but, I'm quicker to think about what I say before I say it (which needed some work anyway) and to be sure that what I'm saying to him is kind.

This morning, we read our next dare and said to each other, "We already do that!" and when Jeremy goes to work tonight, I'm sure he'll call home at his typical not busy times to check in on us and see if we need anything.  If not, I'll call him before I go to bed, if nothing more than to tell him I love him.

I'm not reading ahead but so far, these dares are kinda sinchy...

(We were also supposed to visit a new church this morning and I know this my sound funny or silly to you but, I got my haircut yesterday morning, and well, let's just say I've been more aware of the feminine items in my closet since the haircut and making an effort to wear those as well as a lot of my rings, earrings, make-up. Anyway, with my hair this SHORT, I'm not really comfortable with going to the grocery store, let alone meeting people in a new church!  Not to mention the boys NEED haircuts and my son doesn't have any dress pants that fit!)

Dare 1

I think this might be the easiest of all the days in this dare.  I know some of them will be easy, some will be easy for me, difficult for Jeremy, yet some could possibly be among the most difficult things we have done both alone or together.  No, I didn't read the dares ahead.  I know a few from the movie but, I didn't cheat.

I didn't say anything negative to Jeremy yesterday.  I had a couple of times where I re-thought what I was going to say and a couple where I said nothing at all.  It's not that what I had to say was negative, it was more that it didn't contribute anything to the conversation.

Jacob and I had a good night.  No yelling in the grocery store, he stayed with me and actually helped me.  I had one spot where I thought I was going to all out fail this part of my challenge but, I asked him if he could come over and we'd talk about what he wanted which worked.  Jacob was overtired when it came to bedtime but we've been watching this new show Life (on the Discovery Channel) and that helped to put him out.  His new fave is Kimodo Dragons. 

I did struggle with not saying anything negative at work - I think it ended about 9:30 AM when I said to my boss, "that all sounds like a bunch of geek speak to me".  I did say it with a positive flair, does that count?

Making a Difference

A vacationing businessman was walking along a beach when he saw a young boy. Along the shore were many starfish that had been washed up by the tide and were sure to die before the tide returned. The boy was walking slowly along the shore and occasionally he reached down and tossed a beached starfish back into the ocean. The businessman, hoping to teach the boy a little lesson in common sense, walked up to the boy and said, "I have been watching what you are doing, son. You have a good heart, and I know you mean well, but do you realize how many beaches there are around here and how many starfish are dying on every beach every day? Surely, such an industrious and kindhearted boy such as yourself could find something better to do with your time. Do you really think that what you are doing is going to make a difference?" The boy looked up at that man, and then he looked down at a starfish by his feet. He picked up the starfish, and as he gently tossed it back into the ocean, he said, "It makes a difference to that one."

~Author unknown

Speaking of making a difference, Jeremy and I watched Fireproof last night.  He experienced many of the same feelings I had.  We will have been married (wow!) for 8 years later this month, and though we love each other immensely and our marriage is good and strong, we both agreed our relationship could use a little work.

Jeremy and I also agreed to go through The Love Dare from the movie, together.  Over the next 40 days, we're going to fireproof our marriage and we've decided to blog it on our way through.  It's going to be a challenge.  I don't know if I'll just write, or if he'll write too.  I don't know what each day's dare will bring but if it makes a difference in our relationship(s) - as we've decided to practice it in all of our other relationships as well - that's what matters, right?

I'll be back tomorrow with the results from day/dare 1.

Have you seen it?

We have a monthly subscription (is that what it's called?) to Netflix again.  This time, it's only mine.  I kicked Jeremy out because he keeps adding his sci-fi, space invader, guy movies into my queue and then they come in the mail they sit at our house for weeks until I end up with three of his movies waiting for him to watch them but he's never home and NONE of mine so I have to wait!  When I joined again, I added the movie Fireproof to my list. 

I'm typically not into faith based movies - though I do like a good, cheesy Hallmark Hall of Fame every now and then.  Fireproof arrived at the house a few weeks ago and I didn't have the time to sit down and watch it.  I kept putting it off and putting it off until finally, last Sunday (not Easter) I put in the DVD.  I saw the fire engines, and called Jacob in to watch it.  He watched for a few minutes then we were distracted by snacks, juice, toys and 10 other things, so I walked away.

I came back about a half an hour into the movie and started it over.  Jacob played quietly in the other room and I watched.  The more I watched, the more I became absorbed in it.  The acting left much to be desired but, I was able to look past the actors to the story and I found I couldn't stop watching.  As if he knew something important was happening, Jacob continued to play quietly through the whole movie.  He didn't disturb me.

It's been a long time since, or maybe I never have been grabbed by a movie like that.  I'd kept it around a few days for Jeremy to watch it but, I have since sent it back and purchased a copy of my own.  I won't say it's the best movie I have ever watched.  I can't say "I love this movie!" and I can't tell you the story.  But I can tell you that something has awakened within me.  I have found something that was missing.  I'm curious if any of you have seen or heard of this movie and what you thought.

Congratulations!

I didn't forget, I just haven't had had the chance to share with you.

Congratulations to my friends, Ember and Drew over at Thinking Out Loud on the birth of their daughter, Lucy Beatrice!  If you have a minute, skip on over there and check out their beautiful baby girl.

I haven't been able to see them yet - to meet Lucy.  We're passing colds back and forth here and I don't want to pass it to a new mom just a week past having a c-section and especially not with Lucy. 

As you look at the pictures of their beautiful little Lucy, thank God for the strength, the determination, the perseverance, and His miracle that made this family. 

Congratulations!

Once you're a parent

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard the words "Having kids changes everything!" or "you won't understand until you have kids of your own", you and I would never have to worry about money again, my friend.

First of all - the immeasurable, overwhelming love you have for this tiny person that you just met. It's amazing to me that I can meet an adult or another kid and I instantly know whether I like them or not but, I have this kid and I knew the moment I saw his dark haired, little round head that I would love him forever and love him unconditionally.

2 - The instinct to protect this little person. It's almost animal. You can't bear to think of him being physically or emotionally hurt and you'll growl or bite at anything or anyone you suspect might harm him in any way.

3 - Nothing matters but him. Really, when I look at the grand scheme - he's it! He's the star! It's about a roof over his head, a bed for him to sleep, food for him to eat and to know that he is loved. It's all about making sure it's there for him.

4 - Time. I try to make every moment of my spare time his. To do something with him, to share with him, to show him, to teach him or for him to teach me.

5 - Letting go.

It's become more difficult as he's getting older and I have to work on letting go. It's the hardest thing to let him go and be with someone else. It is really hard to trust someone else with your most precious - I don't know the word...  Are they going to watch him as I do? Are they going to help him like I do? Are they going to know that he needs help? Are they going to make him hold hands in the parking lot or to cross the street?  Do they care that he likes his nuggets cut in four and will they understand him when he tries to tell them?

It'll get worse as he expands to going with friends and their parents - Do they have guns in their house? Do they have trigger locks or a gun safe?  Are they safe drivers?  Do the adults actually watch the kids or are they allowed to run wild - alone and juggle knives?

I add an extra element to all of this when I include Jacob's Sensory Processing Disorder and I realize that even within our own families, most people don't understand what it does to him or how to deal with it.  Jeremy and I have been working with it long enough to understand the triggers, the process, and the aftermath of an episode.  It's difficult to wonder how someone else will react or if they'll even notice.

The most difficult is people who can't comprehend that my child is not your child, not your daughter's child or your son's child - he's my child.  I want you to give him the best part of everything all of the time, just like I do (or I try really hard to do).  I want you to love him like his mommy does, watch him like I do, or protect him like I do and love him like I do.  It's the hardest not to expect anything less.

Once you're a parent, you'll understand.