Congratulations!

I didn't forget, I just haven't had had the chance to share with you.

Congratulations to my friends, Ember and Drew over at Thinking Out Loud on the birth of their daughter, Lucy Beatrice!  If you have a minute, skip on over there and check out their beautiful baby girl.

I haven't been able to see them yet - to meet Lucy.  We're passing colds back and forth here and I don't want to pass it to a new mom just a week past having a c-section and especially not with Lucy. 

As you look at the pictures of their beautiful little Lucy, thank God for the strength, the determination, the perseverance, and His miracle that made this family. 

Congratulations!

Once you're a parent

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard the words "Having kids changes everything!" or "you won't understand until you have kids of your own", you and I would never have to worry about money again, my friend.

First of all - the immeasurable, overwhelming love you have for this tiny person that you just met. It's amazing to me that I can meet an adult or another kid and I instantly know whether I like them or not but, I have this kid and I knew the moment I saw his dark haired, little round head that I would love him forever and love him unconditionally.

2 - The instinct to protect this little person. It's almost animal. You can't bear to think of him being physically or emotionally hurt and you'll growl or bite at anything or anyone you suspect might harm him in any way.

3 - Nothing matters but him. Really, when I look at the grand scheme - he's it! He's the star! It's about a roof over his head, a bed for him to sleep, food for him to eat and to know that he is loved. It's all about making sure it's there for him.

4 - Time. I try to make every moment of my spare time his. To do something with him, to share with him, to show him, to teach him or for him to teach me.

5 - Letting go.

It's become more difficult as he's getting older and I have to work on letting go. It's the hardest thing to let him go and be with someone else. It is really hard to trust someone else with your most precious - I don't know the word...  Are they going to watch him as I do? Are they going to help him like I do? Are they going to know that he needs help? Are they going to make him hold hands in the parking lot or to cross the street?  Do they care that he likes his nuggets cut in four and will they understand him when he tries to tell them?

It'll get worse as he expands to going with friends and their parents - Do they have guns in their house? Do they have trigger locks or a gun safe?  Are they safe drivers?  Do the adults actually watch the kids or are they allowed to run wild - alone and juggle knives?

I add an extra element to all of this when I include Jacob's Sensory Processing Disorder and I realize that even within our own families, most people don't understand what it does to him or how to deal with it.  Jeremy and I have been working with it long enough to understand the triggers, the process, and the aftermath of an episode.  It's difficult to wonder how someone else will react or if they'll even notice.

The most difficult is people who can't comprehend that my child is not your child, not your daughter's child or your son's child - he's my child.  I want you to give him the best part of everything all of the time, just like I do (or I try really hard to do).  I want you to love him like his mommy does, watch him like I do, or protect him like I do and love him like I do.  It's the hardest not to expect anything less.

Once you're a parent, you'll understand.

Pictures with my sister

My sister, Gloria (#3 of 6) was here this past Friday.  I took the day off and we headed out with our cameras to see what we could find.  We're both a couple of beach bums from way back.  From as far as I can remember, she would come home from where ever her travels had taken her and we'd go to the beach.  It never mattered, winter, summer, spring or fall we'd trek off to the beach.  Sometimes to walk in the sand, or on the pier, sometimes to scale the ice or the rocks, rarely to swim.  Maybe that's where I learned about letting the breaking waves draw my fears from within and bring me peace.

We walked along on this day barely talking to each other.  The only sounds were the waves breaking over the beach and our cameras clicking with our treasures.  It felt great to have the wind in my hair and my soul cleansed.  I need to remember to go there more often.  (next time, I'll remember to turn the date stamp off on my camera too!  Duh!)

A little perk me up!

I've been in such a funk lately. My body isn't cooperating (I see the surgeon tomorrow, 3/25), my child never cooperates, my husband is working ALL the time, work for me is...well...work and I think I really just need something for ME! Something I do for myself that isn't for my husband, my child, my job, my home - just for me.

Y'all know that I bought a new camera last year. You've seen some of the pictures I've taken. I bought the tripod, the camera bag, the extra lens, UV filters, the big bag, the lens cleaning kit, and even a remote! All this shit that I have no clue how to use, what it does or how it works but, I sure do look like I know what I'm doing!

I did some community education searching yesterday. I wanted to find a class where the cost of the course benefits a cause - like an arts council or a community service. I did contact Allegan Area Arts Council and was put it touch with a photographer. She invited me (not like 'oh, you have to come. We'd be honoured to have you!' - invited me. It was an 'it's open to the public we don't lock the doors' - invited me) to the next Allegan Area Photography Club's meeting. I can't wait to go!

I called Jeremy to work out schedules so I could go and he said to me, "I saw your email from Norman Camera." I didn't think about then but, I didn't contact them yesterday...

I checked email at home last night, and sure enough, there was an email from Norman - their newsletter of class offerings for the month of May....talk about meant to be!

I have enrolled in a beginner's DSLR class. It's a 2 session, 2 hour class to teach me about my camera and some basic photography stuff. I also plan to take another intermediate class in the fall. It's a small step but, I can't believe how much better I feel!

"I saw an airplane - it was on FIRE!"

Jacob and I were out and about on Saturday and we happened upon what looked like part of an airplane, a semi truck, a firetruck, and an ambulance with about 50 firefighters in full turn-out gear with air packs all set up in a parking lot behind an abandoned factory. They had the hoses charged and lying on the ground. I saw flames in the top of the airplane and thought I had better pull over and watch this - not to mention Jacob was having a FREAK in the backseat. I found a gated drive to the parking lot and my Jacob watched intently while snacking on a box of popcorn.

We watched them for quite some time. They'd light the aircraft on fire and the firefighters would 'put the fire out'. They practiced hauling bodies from the craft. (And talk about realistic! They had sound effects of the fire and the people screaming who were stuck in the "wreckage".) They'd light it again and start all over with each group of 5 or 6 firefighters. The fire came out of the engines and the top of the craft then in a ring all around and depending on the firefighter's response the flames would either die out (if they did it right) or flare (if they did it wrong).

Check this out. (It's not the same outfit they contracted to provide the training but, it's similar to what we saw - I, of course, didn't have my camera - at least not the good one!)

On my mind

I kept telling myself "...if I can just get through St. Patrick's Day". I don't know what significance it holds - none really. There isn't anything special about that date. And now I find myself saying "if I can just get through Easter..." again, I'm not sure what Easter has to do with anything. I guess my little brain is just full.

* I'm scared to death of the mountain of hospital/Dr. bills that I'm building.

* I'm scared of tuition for Jacob's preschool.

* I'm thinking about the fence in the backyard that needs to be replaced and we don't have the money.

* I'm thinking about everything that needs to be put away at my house and the lack of storage.

* I'm thinking about the shit I have listed on eBay that isn't selling and the woman who bought an item but it's been three days and she didn't pay and the pile of very nice stuff that I have yet to list. I'm not reaching my goal of $20/week this week.

* I'm worried about having some of my guts removed. I have all of my original parts! I have never broken a bone in my body! I've never had a surgery. The regular dentist pulled my wisdom teeth!

* I really want to quit my job and do artsy stuff - but I can't because we can't afford it and I don't want to give up any of the nice things that I already have or the payment that goes with them. But I have a very nice camera that I don't know 3/4 of what it does and I want to learn but I already don't see my kid for 9 hours everyday.

* Jacob is going to need braces. Maybe not now but some day.

* Are we going to traumatize him as the worst parents EVER?

* The fruit in my fridge is going to rot and I spent $60 on all that fruit and I can't eat any more fruit because fruit makes me poop - A lot!

* I can't seem to get to sleep before midnight and all I'm doing is watching TV.

* I never post on Facebook anymore because I don't want to look like that lady who only updates when her family takes an expensive trip but, mostly because I don't have anything interesting to say in comparison to everyone else.

* I really just feel like being a snarky-snark-snarker and saying everything mean that I want to say in hopes that if I get all of my snarkyness out so I'll feel better. (I love that word - snarky. I heard it on The Real Housewives of New York City and I've been looking for somewhere to use it in a sentance.)

* I worry that Jacob won't be a popular kid in school. Then I worry that I won't be able to afford for him to be the popular kid in school because I'll still be paying hospital bills.

* I worry that Jacob will get beat up at school/in school/on the way home from school.

* I worry that kids won't like him.

* I worry that the moms won't like me!

* I'm addicted to buying cheap books. I just can't stop!

...and you think you've got problems!?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!