Recouperating

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes!

I'm doing...okay. I did have another bout on Friday afternoon (cashews are the common denominator between Thursday and Friday - though I haven't found what caused Tuesday or Wednesday). I left work early and went home to the safety of my couch. Jeremy's mom came later to help with Jay until Jeremy got home.

I have learned a few things that trigger these 'episodes'. I will not eat cashews EVER again nor will I consume any more pineapple. Funny though, chili cheese fries, have no effect! I'm eating very carefully to pinpoint what causes trouble and what doesn't.

I didn't have any more issues through the weekend. Though my stomach does feel, I guess sour is a good word...kinda queasy but, I don't have any nausea. This has remained unchanged. I'm very tired. I can't seem to get enough rest and I don't have any energy. I also have a lot of burps (more like belches - they're kinda loud but thankfully, these 'smart farts' are taking the elevator!) from what ever I do eat. Right now - it's chocolate chip cookie, again, and again, and again.

I see my Dr. on Tuesday and after talking with one of my sisters who had a very similar experience (pain to beat all hell, a clear U/S, and clear blood work - ended up with a nuclear scan of her gallbladder to find it was functioning at only 7%! Now I don't understand how functioning at 7% is BAD - compared to having no gall bladder at all!?!) I'm certain there are more tests in my future. I'm taking a lot of notes for tomorrow's appointment. I'll keep you posted.

Liver & Onions

I'd gladly eat Liver & Onions with a side of Lima beans and a dirty lettuce salad topped with Blue Cheese dressing - as long as I don't EVER have to consume a cup of Maalox mixed with Lidocaine EVER again! I'll get back to this cocktail in a minute.

If you didn't know this, I have always had trouble with my stomach. I am known to carry antacids (in pill and in tablet form). I get really sick when I get nervous, or upset. I have troubles with milk based foods. I also have trouble with fast food.

My stomach troubles picked up again this week. I've had a horrible clenching feeling at the top of my stomach after eating lunch every day this week. I eat lunch, spend an hour doubled over and it goes away.

I'd eaten lunch yesterday, (half a roast beef and cheese sandwich, a handful of chips and a few cashew nuts) and about a half hour after eating, as expected, here came the pain! An hour passed but, it didn't leave. Into the second hour, I called Jeremy, he convinced me to call my Dr., I talked to his nurse and waited for her to call back. Dr. wanted an ultrasound of my gallbladder but traditional means require a 6 hour fast and he didn't want to waste that time so I was sent to the hospital emergency room.

The clock read 3:25 PM when I checked in at the hospital. I sat patiently in the waiting room holding my stomach for about 10 minutes before I was called back. The poor woman in reception had to ask me each question twice as all I could concentrate on was the huge trash can behind her and how I could plow her over to get to it to throw up!

The nurse led me back to room 9 and rounding the corner back to my room, I caught a whiff of disinfectant and I thought I'd see my lunch again as the gal dove for a trash can for me - luckily I didn't need it. She got me settled in my room with a lovely gown and a "Sickness Bag" to wait for the other nurse.

I had a heck of a time getting comfortable on that gurney. Sit up, lie down, on my side, on my back, left, right - nothing eased the pain or the nausea. Oh the nausea! The nurse came back with a Paramedic Student named Shawn. Surprisingly, Shawn put me at ease (he reminded me a lot of our friend Shaun from the fire department). He asked, I answered and I went back to waiting.

Then came the Dr. and I about fell out of that bed! He looked just like an ex-boyfriend of mine! I had to look at him twice! I mean I knew it couldn't be - Randy is a fire chief up by Manistee. There's no freaking way he's a Dr.! Anyway, he poked and prodded, prodded and poked. He asked a bunch of questions and left.

Soon after, the gal came in and took 3 vials of my blood. She did a great job! I'm a needle chicken and I barely noticed the poke. She had 2 of the 3 done before I even knew it! I don't even have a bruise!

And then another guy came and we went for a ride on the gurney to the ultrasound room for them to take some pictures of my gallbladder! I really would have rather walked than be pushed on that gurney! The U/S Tech poked and prodded and clicked on her computer. When her task was complete, she wheeled me back to number nine. As we were rounding the last corner, I looked up and there was Jeremy coming down the hall. He'd sent Jacob off with G & G S. and came to be with me. Though he missed the worst of it all, I have never been happier to see him!

Back in room 9 and alone with Jeremy, I finally could let it go. I had a few tears from my hurt and for being scared. The clenching in my stomach was starting to ease. I finally had to pee - and give them the long awaited sample for my last test.

Around 5:00 PM the Dr. came back in said all of my tests were normal. My ultrasound showed that my gallbladder was clinched and the didn't see any gallstones though sometimes the clinching can hide them. There wasn't anything to cause alarm. He said he'd have the nurse bring back my cocktail (Maalox and Lidocaine, remember?) and I could go. Maalox for the acid in my stomach, Lidocaine to numb it. I was really surprised to see the Dr. come back with a little cup, "Here you go!" he said. Think peppermint flavored Bactine. I have never tasted ANYTHING THAT AWFUL! I was numb from the teeth back. Dr. came back once more, asked if I drank it or threw it in the trash, he admitted that he'd smelled it, that it smelled really bad, and he turned me loose.

I was diagnosed with gastritis, given a prescription for Prevacid with instructions to follow up with my regular doctor.

I was out and heading home at 6:04 PM - not bad. Not bad. I met Jeremy back at home, we went and picked up Jacob, came back home where I crashed on the couch. Jacob was most interested in my "ban-bains" (Band-Aids) which were actually the ID bands from the hospital. He was satisfied once they were off - though he kept them.

Jacob was still worried about me this morning "Mommy? Are you okay?" I am feeling much better. Still a little queasy but, no pain. I'm taking my diet back to bland and start slowly introducing foods/drinks to see if I can establish a pattern or what sets this off. I'm thankful to not have anything serious, thankful Jeremy could be there with me but, a little scared for the bill. Let's hope it doesn't send me back there!

Registered

I registered my baby for preschool yesterday.

I can't believe he's going to be 5 already this year. It seems like he only turned 3 this morning!

The choice of preschools is pretty limited in our area. One preschool is run from some one's home - I'm not comfortable with that. One is income based and we don't qualify. One is run by the Catholic church - we're Lutheran. One is run by The River church - did I mention we're Lutheran? Lastly, and my choice is run by the people that provided us services through Early On before Jacob was 3. I have heard many excellent things about their preschool program and Jacob should be able to continue his Occupational Therapy there too.

I'm told it's 4 half days but, I don't know what days yet and what constitutes a 'half day'.

The next step is a post card from the school, then a call from the actual teacher.

Stay tuned - Jacob will start college next week!

How he's grown!

I didn't think Jacob had grown much taller in the past year! As you'll see, the proof is in the police car!

Now that Jacob has mastered #2 on the pottie, our stalking of the Sheriff, the fire district, and city police has resumed. I took this on Friday night (3/05/2010). I apologize for the blur - it's a cell phone shot.



And this is from last year, (3/18/09).

This car is our friend "Self". He's named "Self" as he's always behind the Sheriff Department, all by himself. You can also see our friend, "Dirty" (the white car) in the background. He's always dirty.

I'm not sure how I managed to get the same door on the same car, almost a full year apart...is it luck? Or the result of the stalking? :)

from the past

I was talking to my brother this morning and he asked if I remember my Grandma and Grandpa Nolff's (Edna's parents) cottage on Manistee Lake in Kalkaska.

I barely remember.

I remember eating cereal at a little table. I remember the wood paneling on all of the walls. I remember the carpeting. And I remember the stepping stones - from, I think the house to the water - they were little feet, including toes! I also remember one trip out in the lake on Grandpa's pontoon and all I remember about that was my cousin sleeping on the deck of the boat. My brother and sisters remember more, I'm sure. According to my memory, I'd only been there the one time though I do have photographic evidence to prove otherwise, I was just a baby/toddler then. We didn't go there as much after my dad was sick. We didn't do much of anything they used to do after my dad got sick...

The cottage was sold after Grandpa died (1992) and has since been remodeled. I'm hoping to rent it one summer and see what comes back to me.

I wanted to share this little piece of my past with you.

Retirement

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday and it felt really good to get all of that out. I've been carrying those feelings for a long time. Though it is true - I do spend A LOT of time alone. I do get tired of never having my husband home with me - and I really mean never! I want to be a regular family that does regular things - together. Yet, those wants or feelings are never going to change, Jeremy's job isn't going to change, and I have to work full-time so, I have to figure out how to fit what I need to do for myself into this life that I already have. Maybe I just need to be thankful that Jeremy does have Easter weekend off, despite him having to work on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and all those other days when I want him home.

My sister put it into a unique perspective for me - Think of that woman who's husband is a REAL asshole, and she has to go home to him EVERY single night. Be glad you're not her!

Now I told all of you what I really want to do with my time and what I don't. I've found a solution - I simply need to retire.

It's true, I'd love nothing more than to be retired. Think about it - retirement would solve all of my problems. I could read. I could write more. I could visit my sister. I could blog. I could quilt. I could sew those awesome hooded towels that everyone loves. I could crochet afghans for new babies and dish clothes for us oldies that love them. I could make my chocolates for every holiday. I could run on my own clock, spend time with Jeremy when he IS home. I could set my own hours and a job wouldn't get in my way. Yet, I'd still have a solid income. I guess that's why we all have dreams...sadly, retirement is 20+ years away.

Can you imagine what my stack of books that I want to read is going to look like in 20+ years!?!

In all honesty, I do get very tired of what this life is for me right now. I get frustrated when my husband doesn't see my misery let alone attempt to understand it. My post yesterday did help. Sometimes, I do resent Jeremy for the choices he's made, yet not for the responsibility of my choices. After all, it is about choices, isn't it? I choose this life for me. I could choose to ditch my husband and child to pursue my wants. I choose not to. I could hire teenage girls to baby-sit Jacob while I take a class here or there. I choose to be responsible about his care. I could leave my child with his grandparents every chance I had to run off and do my thing but, we chose Jacob and I choose to be his mom. I choose to be with my son every chance I get. I choose to take care of my home, my husband and my child. I choose to not follow my dreams - for now. I'm choosing to wait for retirement.

Alone time.

I used to enjoy my alone time. Time before Jacob was born. Time that I had to do what I wanted, go when I wanted, sleep when I wanted, and be alone when I wanted. I used a lot of my time while Jeremy was working to work on our house, to crochet, to read, to sew and yes, sometimes to just watch TV and nothing more.

Then came Jacob. The alone time still wasn't bad. I was always tired. Always doing laundry, doing dishes, and changing diapers! I'd put Jacob down for the night and most nights, I'd put myself down too.

As Jacob is getting older, so is this alone time. I've done enough laundry, enough dishes, and the diapers are gone. I put Jacob down for the night and I stare mindlessly at the television alone.

I do most everything alone - this month is no exception. Guess how many days off Jeremy and I have together this month? Guess!?! Zero, zip, nil, none, nada. That's right - not even one. Not only that, half of Jeremy's weekend days, are long days, leaving me home alone with Jacob all day. It's not that I can't handle him all day but, it makes for a long day as Jacob's A-#1, most fun thing to do is to bug me (and I don't mean pester, I mean do really naughty things that get him in the corner, run from me in stores, run out of stores, throw fits in stores - that kind of bug!). It means that I have to do fun things with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to run errands with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to punish him - alone. I can go visit - but I still come home to an empty house and sometimes, that's worse than just staying there in the first place. It's like ALONE is there again flashing in purple neon from my window - blink-blink-blinketty-blink, waiting for my return.

I lose interest in reading - there isn't anyone to share the story with, and you can't find anything to put you into your own self better than a book! I don't have anyone to crochet for. And hauling out my sewing machine to put everything away again later that night so Jacob doesn't run off with my sewing scissors doesn't appeal to me either. There are always house projects to do too - alone. I have no ambition left for these things anymore. To figure it out by myself, buy all the stuff by myself, do all the prep work by myself and then finish the job by myself, and then show it to who? Oh yeah, Me. I should have a sense of accomplishment, huh? Not anymore. I think that left with the 20th project I finished - alone. What is the use if the one person I want to appreciate my talents the most is never here to see them?

One would think all of this time alone would lend to other things I want to do since I'm alone. And I do. It does. I have fantastic dreams for myself. I want to take a writing class, a photography class, and in reality I've cancelled going back to school because I can't. I can't get around Jeremy's schedule. And with only 2 nights a week that I see him - do I want to give those up too? On top of everything else? It's bad enough that Jeremy's schedule can't even coincide with Jacob's therapy this month, how can I expect it to work around my class schedule too? Then again, I have Jacob at home every night (alone) - when is there time to read, or write, or take pictures, or do anything at all that's just for me?

And that leads me back around again to staring mindlessly at my television dreaming of the things I want to do rather than be alone. Yet there I will be, still alone.