from the past

I was talking to my brother this morning and he asked if I remember my Grandma and Grandpa Nolff's (Edna's parents) cottage on Manistee Lake in Kalkaska.

I barely remember.

I remember eating cereal at a little table. I remember the wood paneling on all of the walls. I remember the carpeting. And I remember the stepping stones - from, I think the house to the water - they were little feet, including toes! I also remember one trip out in the lake on Grandpa's pontoon and all I remember about that was my cousin sleeping on the deck of the boat. My brother and sisters remember more, I'm sure. According to my memory, I'd only been there the one time though I do have photographic evidence to prove otherwise, I was just a baby/toddler then. We didn't go there as much after my dad was sick. We didn't do much of anything they used to do after my dad got sick...

The cottage was sold after Grandpa died (1992) and has since been remodeled. I'm hoping to rent it one summer and see what comes back to me.

I wanted to share this little piece of my past with you.

Retirement

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday and it felt really good to get all of that out. I've been carrying those feelings for a long time. Though it is true - I do spend A LOT of time alone. I do get tired of never having my husband home with me - and I really mean never! I want to be a regular family that does regular things - together. Yet, those wants or feelings are never going to change, Jeremy's job isn't going to change, and I have to work full-time so, I have to figure out how to fit what I need to do for myself into this life that I already have. Maybe I just need to be thankful that Jeremy does have Easter weekend off, despite him having to work on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and all those other days when I want him home.

My sister put it into a unique perspective for me - Think of that woman who's husband is a REAL asshole, and she has to go home to him EVERY single night. Be glad you're not her!

Now I told all of you what I really want to do with my time and what I don't. I've found a solution - I simply need to retire.

It's true, I'd love nothing more than to be retired. Think about it - retirement would solve all of my problems. I could read. I could write more. I could visit my sister. I could blog. I could quilt. I could sew those awesome hooded towels that everyone loves. I could crochet afghans for new babies and dish clothes for us oldies that love them. I could make my chocolates for every holiday. I could run on my own clock, spend time with Jeremy when he IS home. I could set my own hours and a job wouldn't get in my way. Yet, I'd still have a solid income. I guess that's why we all have dreams...sadly, retirement is 20+ years away.

Can you imagine what my stack of books that I want to read is going to look like in 20+ years!?!

In all honesty, I do get very tired of what this life is for me right now. I get frustrated when my husband doesn't see my misery let alone attempt to understand it. My post yesterday did help. Sometimes, I do resent Jeremy for the choices he's made, yet not for the responsibility of my choices. After all, it is about choices, isn't it? I choose this life for me. I could choose to ditch my husband and child to pursue my wants. I choose not to. I could hire teenage girls to baby-sit Jacob while I take a class here or there. I choose to be responsible about his care. I could leave my child with his grandparents every chance I had to run off and do my thing but, we chose Jacob and I choose to be his mom. I choose to be with my son every chance I get. I choose to take care of my home, my husband and my child. I choose to not follow my dreams - for now. I'm choosing to wait for retirement.

Alone time.

I used to enjoy my alone time. Time before Jacob was born. Time that I had to do what I wanted, go when I wanted, sleep when I wanted, and be alone when I wanted. I used a lot of my time while Jeremy was working to work on our house, to crochet, to read, to sew and yes, sometimes to just watch TV and nothing more.

Then came Jacob. The alone time still wasn't bad. I was always tired. Always doing laundry, doing dishes, and changing diapers! I'd put Jacob down for the night and most nights, I'd put myself down too.

As Jacob is getting older, so is this alone time. I've done enough laundry, enough dishes, and the diapers are gone. I put Jacob down for the night and I stare mindlessly at the television alone.

I do most everything alone - this month is no exception. Guess how many days off Jeremy and I have together this month? Guess!?! Zero, zip, nil, none, nada. That's right - not even one. Not only that, half of Jeremy's weekend days, are long days, leaving me home alone with Jacob all day. It's not that I can't handle him all day but, it makes for a long day as Jacob's A-#1, most fun thing to do is to bug me (and I don't mean pester, I mean do really naughty things that get him in the corner, run from me in stores, run out of stores, throw fits in stores - that kind of bug!). It means that I have to do fun things with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to run errands with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to punish him - alone. I can go visit - but I still come home to an empty house and sometimes, that's worse than just staying there in the first place. It's like ALONE is there again flashing in purple neon from my window - blink-blink-blinketty-blink, waiting for my return.

I lose interest in reading - there isn't anyone to share the story with, and you can't find anything to put you into your own self better than a book! I don't have anyone to crochet for. And hauling out my sewing machine to put everything away again later that night so Jacob doesn't run off with my sewing scissors doesn't appeal to me either. There are always house projects to do too - alone. I have no ambition left for these things anymore. To figure it out by myself, buy all the stuff by myself, do all the prep work by myself and then finish the job by myself, and then show it to who? Oh yeah, Me. I should have a sense of accomplishment, huh? Not anymore. I think that left with the 20th project I finished - alone. What is the use if the one person I want to appreciate my talents the most is never here to see them?

One would think all of this time alone would lend to other things I want to do since I'm alone. And I do. It does. I have fantastic dreams for myself. I want to take a writing class, a photography class, and in reality I've cancelled going back to school because I can't. I can't get around Jeremy's schedule. And with only 2 nights a week that I see him - do I want to give those up too? On top of everything else? It's bad enough that Jeremy's schedule can't even coincide with Jacob's therapy this month, how can I expect it to work around my class schedule too? Then again, I have Jacob at home every night (alone) - when is there time to read, or write, or take pictures, or do anything at all that's just for me?

And that leads me back around again to staring mindlessly at my television dreaming of the things I want to do rather than be alone. Yet there I will be, still alone.

A Silver Star

Last night, we took a trip to the Allegan Police Department. Officer Mel Brummel offered Jacob a trip to the station when he completed his potty training.

We tried to get Jacob to wear his POLICE hat, he insisted on Georgetown Fire with the big pumper on it (from Uncle David - my brother).

Sergeant Boysen gave Jacob an official police silver star for his accomplishment (it's the real deal folks - cold metal not plastic). Jacob is wearing it proudly on his coat - on the other side of his Jr. Wisconsin State Trooper badge which he proudly showed our Allegan officers! Our city police didn't have badges to add to Jacob's little collection (Wisconsin State as mentioned, 3 different Allegan County Sheriff, and Novi Police). Sergeant Boysen explained that police offices get those stars for doing good things so Jacob had to keep on being a big boy and doing that big boy thing. I think the silver star made a big impression!

Playing fetch with Ty - the police dog in the hallway at the station. Officer Brummel is the K-9 handler for Allegan PD.

Sergeant Boysen, Jacob, Ty and Officer Brummel.

I was so proud of my little boy. Before we left, he turned, shook the officer's hands and said "Thank you for having me!"

Thank you Sergeant Boysen and Officer Brummel!

It's official - No More Diapers!

I've been holding off on this post - waiting to be proven wrong but, I think I can comfortably say:

WE ARE DONE WITH DIAPERS!!!

It started with Jacob's 4 year check-up. He had to #2 at Dr. Greene's. Jeremy went to the car to get a diaper. Jacob had been #1 trained since last spring/summer and I've been dreading #2 training. It seemed no matter what I tried, I couldn't get him to sit on the pottie. We tried the big pottie, 3 different training potties, a frog pottie, a folding pottie seat, even a training seat - Nothing worked. I was terrified Jacob would withhold so I didn't push it. Dr. Greene reassured me that if Jacob did try to withhold - he'd make sure he couldn't!

Jacob knew full well when he had to go and how to go. He was asking for "a diaper to poop in". We began telling him that if he wanted to poop in a diaper that he had to get the diaper and put it on. So he did.

We tried the rational approach first - bribery!

We began taking away "fun stuff". No more trips to the sheriff, the police department, the airport or the fire station. Our whole city knew that Jacob wouldn't #2 on the pottie. Our local police even bribed him with a day at the station if he'd go. My little mule, he still refused.

Every morning, Jacob would ask for a diaper. I finally broke down and told Jeremy - we're just going to have to take the diapers away. I'll deal with the mess. Really, it was me. I didn't want to deal with poop.

Friday, February 12 - Jeremy pulled all of the diapers out of the house. And Jacob tried to hold in his #2 and it didn't work. That night, he had an 'accident' in his pants and we all had a big talk about going on the pottie. Jacob again asked for diapers. He also wet his bed that night.

Saturday, February 13 - Jacob and Jeremy went to the pool while 11 women showered my friend Ember and her baby with gifts. Jacob did a #2 on the pottie at the pool and came home to do it again with cheers and high fives from 12 women! He was so proud of himself! (And thank you ladies for your help!) We put a diaper on Jacob that night - hoping to avoid a wet bed again. Shame on us, for Sunday AM, he'd filled that diaper.

We had one more wet bed on Tuesday night but, we now don't give drinks after 6:30/7PM and we make Jacob 'practice' right before he goes to bed. We have had a dry bed since!

Jacob has been using "I have to poop!" to his advantage...much like the boy who cried wolf. If he thinks Jeremy or I should be doing what he wants, he'll cry out "I have to poop!" and we come running. Jacob starts to giggle and says - "I don't have to." We're talking through our way out of it and he's getting better.

We did have an accident on Friday of last week. I'm not really sure what happened. If he was testing or what.

Now, at a little over a week and many high-fives, poopy dances, 'come look at my poop', and "I pooped on the pottie, are you SO proud of me?" etc. I think, we're finally there!

:)

He likes older women

Jacob is in LOVE. 

Her name is Amber.  She works with Jeremy as a server - and has for quite awhile.  She's about 21.  She's a cute little blond.  She's baby-sat for Jacob once before.  She's really sweet.  And very patient with her little admirer...though her boyfriend was a little jealous.  Thankfully, he was cured after learning that his competition was only 4 years old.

The obsession started about a month ago at Jeremy's Christmas party for work.  Jacob saw her and he asked us, "Can I have that?" and pointed to Amber.  He spent the rest of the night all googly eyed and shying away from her everytime she waved to him.

A couple of weeks ago, we went and had lunch with Jeremy and Amber was our server.  Oh my!  Everytime she'd come to the table, Jacob would bury his face and play shy.  Amber would leave, and he'd stand on the seat and yell for her or ask anyone walking by, "Where's Amber?" 

We went to have lunch with Jeremy this past Saturday and again, Amber was our server.  Of course, Jacob started asking that morning if Amber would be there.  As soon as we were in the door, he made a beeline for her!  Jacob warmed up a little bit this time - he showed her his Jr. Wisconsin State Trooper pin on his coat (thanks Kate!) - yet I did hear Daddy whispering to him, "Buddy, if you like her, you need to talk to her!"  Advice?!  Sheesh!  Already?

As we were getting ready to leave the restaurant, Jacob leans in to me all mooney eyed and says, "Mommy?  I think Amber is a princess!"

Before bed, we called Jeremy to tell him good-night, and my little Casanova says, "Daddy, I hugged Amber two times!"

This crush has been the cutest thing I've ever seen.  I hope she lets him down easy!

Blogs We Like

I added another blog that I like to my list this morning and I was remembering back to when I first started out here and I had like one blog listed that I read.  As time passed, I added more and more.  I started with Ember, and after a little bit of blog-stalking, I added Kate, Aubrey, and Amanda.  I still blog-stalk a few folks out there and I have a few blogs that I read which are published to the masses authored by people made famous by their blogging.  In reality, I enjoy us regular people telling the stories of day to day life.

I always wonder about blog-stalkers (people who read without revealing themselves).  I know they exist.  I have had a few people confess to it - I do it myself.  I always wonder what keeps them from coming forward.  For me, I always feel as if I don't know this person well enough to reveal myself.  Or what if they don't want me here?  I have a similar aversion to requesting friends on social networking sites - I guess it's called 'fear of rejection'.

I struggle with inviting people to read about me.  Really, we all want someone to read about us, don't we?  Everyone wants that hint of popularity.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I do.  I like when I say something and I get a big ole bunch of comments.  You can't tell me you don't!  I'm always too embarassed to say 'Here I am!  Read me!"

I have linked a few of my posts to said popular social networking site but, I typically take them down out of fear or nervousness.  You know - the "what-if" game.  What if I offend someone?  What if they think I'm talking about them?  What if they think I just did this for attention?  What if they think I'm the suckiest sucky writer ever?

It's always a huge deal at my house to find out when I have another reader or someone requests me as a friend.  I typically will call Jeremy right away, "Guess what?  Guess what?  I have a new reader/friend request!"  and we have a big discussion on who they are, how I know them (not that he's upset, he's simply curious).  Most often, it's taken as an opportunity to know a piece of my past.

It's an interesting list of people I enjoy reading about (including those I blog-stalk that don't know that I read them) and I am curious to see what happens to this list over time - who gets added or deleted?  How big the list gets.  And how many blog-stalkers I really have???